Chapter 64. The crocodile and the cicada

The cicada said:

– Hello crocodile, what are you doing alone in this pond? Were you abandoned? You should not be hanging around all alone, you look kind of old to me. I would stay and keep you company but I have a great life to enjoy. My life is great just like me. I am young, you are not, I am fun, you look miserable by the way. I feel sorry for you crocodile, you might never find somebody like me. Bye.

– Wait, I have something to show you. I am not old. Want to see it?

– No thanks, my time is too precious for old lonely crocodiles.

– Nonesense! You don´t know who I am! I once had an Empire. I was rich, I was rich and powerful. You can´t say those things to me. Besides, I am not old, I am not old! I am never getting old. Yes, you are younger but I can be just like you. And my life is greater than great. Want to see it cicada?

– Not really.

– Please! Let me show you. You will be impressed!

– Okay…if you insist. But I am doing you a favor. Being with you, an old crocodile, abandoned in a pond is a waste of my time. I am too good for you. You are lucky that I even talk to you crocodile. I don´t care who you are. You don´t look all that great. And… you are ugly.

Crocodile left and sold his pond, he sold his soul, he sold everything that he had to prove to the cicada that he was a powerful man, worthy of her love and attention.

– You are so nice! Thank you for staying. I promise you that you will not be deceived. I will show you the world, will bring you the stars and the moon. With you I will regain my power, my youth, my crocodile bite.

And they went on and off for a long time. Crocodile brought the cicada to his new magnificent pond, but she did not like it, it was not good enough for her she said, so crocodile followed her to wherever she wanted to go, he made an effort to look good and young for her, care free like her, bought her great presents, put up with the cicada´s fits (she was young so she could afford having a bad temper) her desires were now crocodiles´ duties. Nothing else mattered more than her not leaving him.

Because after all, he was old and lonely.

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Chapter 63. Crocodile´s New Girlfriend Bites

Everything was going relatively well until this Saturday.

I was at home with the kids when my cell ran. Unknown number, I picked up.

-Please put your daughter on the phone we are so concerned about her. You are keeping her hostage and we are very worried.

-Who are you?

-I am Crocodiles´girlfriend.

She sounded really different from what I had imagined, like when an image does not go at all with a voice. Like that. She spoke really slowly but there was something utterly disturbing in her enunciation and the way she started the conversation. Not the right voice and certainly not the right person. I had imagined a sweet woman taking my place. Somebody much younger easier to control and to impress, a woman more laid back than me. I was wrong. Very wrong. Miss Reggueton is faisty, she is rude, bad spoken and overly trashy.

Blocking her on my contact agenda was not enough. She managed to send me messages via whatapp the next day warning me about her while I was at the park with my children. Threats, insults and the most disrespectful language one could think of followed on Monday morning, to the point where it became amusing to see that somebody can be so angry at your mere existence. Certain women who hate women just because and have nothing to communicate except their own fears.

Dating a man who was married to somebody else is a new arena. Its a tough place to be when insecurities arise and ex wives are in the horizon dating other men, looking good or simply having more fun.

Chapter 62. His kids are not my kids.

Kids are part of the equation when you are dating after 35. Maybe you managed to stay child free and you are planning weekends to adults only resorts every chance that you get but if you date a man with children from a previous marriage, you will have to deal with things that you have never imagined before (tantrums, ear infections, cancelled trips,  ex wives, school schedules and a lot of deviated attention).

Crocodile´s girlfriend does not want to date a man with children so she has managed to make crocodile forget about his little girl.  It is hard to believe that men are so at ease leaving their offspring behind once the woman of their life is no longer the mother of their children. There are exceptions of course, you can always find that one man that will live fight for their kids custody but, in most cases, men are just fine moving on to the next stage of life alone.

My father remarried a young woman that could be my sister. He forgot about us and made her his priority. To this date he will do whatever she says even if that means not seeing us or canceling plans with us for months. Now crocodile does the same thing.

All of us women reading this would say: a woman would never do that to their kids! a woman would never put her kids to the side for anybody. True, but many single (younger) woman demand that from a man as a pre requisite to be together. At least smart woman do. That way they won’t have to fight for attention or see their man´s past at the dinner table every other weekend, they won’t have to share, consider, care, they won’t have to mind, compromise, deprive. None of those verbs will apply when his kids are out of the picture altogether. Because some women simply don’t want kids, don’t like kids, can’t have kids and don´t any any desire to deal with other people´s kids at all. Because many men, like in this case, are now dating younger women who are not ready or are unsure about giving anything up.

Having children / co parenting children means giving up on a lot of the fun.

Unless both parties have children from previous relationships.

That makes a different post.

Chapter 61. Sociopathic Love

A sociopath man is incapable of loving. Watch out for a sudden lack of empathy, remorse, shame or guilt and manipulative games that can dragged any woman into a state of dispair. All of a sudden, a sociopath might seem bored around you,  ready to humiliate, ignore you with his actions and hurt you with his words.

It was Valentine´s Day a year ago. I did not know it but I was married to a nacissistic sociopath. A person with an ongoing disregard for the rights or needs of others.

Let´s provide a list of what constitutes sociopath behavior in a man engaged in a romantic relationship:

  • they are extremely charming at first
  • they promise the moon, they know how to make a woman feel special
  • they are extremely generous at first and will make you a part of everything
  • because they cater to themselves first, they are usually successful and wealthy
  • they are very impulsive
  • they have high IQ
  • they might have had a difficult childhood or parental relationship
  • they might have been arrested
  • they rationalize the pain they inflict in others
  • they are unable to feel remorse or guilt
  • they can be promiscuous and act normal the next day
  • they have a grandiose sense of self
  • they think that they can rule the world
  • they do not have many friends, they might have a “bitch” easy-to control best friend
  • they have the ability to remain calm under pressure
  • they have micro expressions of anger
  • they are easily ofended
  • they are prone to drama
  • they can turn their emotions on and off
  • they use intense contact with their victim to manipulate
  • they stay away from other sociopaths
  • they know what they are
  • their ultimate goal is to make you their victim

So, if you find yourself exhausted, analizing a situation over and over where you think you did nothing wrong but somehow you are the one to blame, if you are always catering and “doing favors” to your boyfriend, if he gets mad all the time and defensive when he is at fault, if you are trying and trying to show love and get nothing back, if your knee hurts and he doesn´t care but when he is sick you are always there and takes it for granted, if he went from making you the center of his attention to hardly spending time with you, if you think he lies, if you think he cheats, if you somehow find out about those things and he tries to justify saying that “you leave him no choice but to be that way” you are dating a sociopath.

It is very difficult to get out, it is very painful to let go. You want the charming person back, you want the man that loved you back.

He does not exist.

I am turning off my phone tomorrow in case a sociopath calls me and tells me that I am after all, the woman of his life and that he will always be there for me.

 

Chapter 60. When you ditch a guy

You have been nice to your friend for a long time. He likes you, it is obvious that he does, but you are simply not into him. You wish that you were, but you aren´t. Period.

Well, this is a very common situation and women have a harder time dealing with it than men. Why? Because we are more sensitive and more empathetic than men.

When a man doesn’t like a girl he simply does not pay any attention to her, he will spend time with his friends, ask her to loose some weight, he will tell her wrong in everything that she does and he will simply not feel bad about not answering whatsapps, calls or emails. Guys are good at that.

Women aren’t.

Because we are raised to care about others, we care about other people´s feelings also. Thus, we find it a lot harder to tell someone off, to ditch someone to say to a friend that we are NOT interested in a romantic relationship. So we make up excuses and kick the tin far along the road to see if the guys simply gets tired, meets somebody else or gives up. The catchy thing is that women like the attention let´s be honest, who doesn’t like having somebody interested in them? Somebody who thinks so highly of you and who thinks that you are the awesomest woman on hearth?

But this scenario is not fair to the guy so let´s give a few tips to ditch a guy for once and for all when nothing else works. Most of these tips are things that men do all the time and listen, if it works for them it is worth a try!

  1. talk about other guys, a lot, and post pictures
  2. be a horrible texter (misspelled words, extra spaces, show you don’t care)
  3. be vulgar in your vocabulary and manners
  4. give him the cold shoulder
  5. talk over him
  6. ignore his requests
  7. be less attractive
  8. be a sloppy drunk
  9. forget his birthday
  10. block him

That should do it!

What happens next? He will be offended, disappointed, he will be mean to you, he will exhibit all the negative aspects of his personality and you will be able to see what could have taken you years to discover.

The difference is that, soon after you implement these tips, you will see the guy´s true colors because when a man feels rejected, specially if you are ditching him for another man, the cute talk is replaced by the rude talk.

Your gain.

If despite your efforts, he shows concern, wants to understand why you have changed your behavior and still has feelings for you, he might be marriage material.

Chapter 59. Last Valentine´s Day

This is a day for lovers they say, for people in love who crave each other or who stick together nevertheless. The rose, the date the chocolate mousse and the usual gift or marriage proposal. Note to all boyfriends: let Valentine´s Day alone, just do the dinner part and leave the marriage proposal for another day, will you?

Proposing on Valentine´s Day is tacky. Let´s name other tacky things that people do when in love: go to Venice, go to Paris, go to Rome, get matching tattoos, eating strawberries and champagne at a hotel room, make love on top of rose petals spread on the bed, get a couple´s massage, feed each other food in front of other people (gross) kiss with tongue at a restaurant after a toast, proposing at a restaurant, pick up your date in a limousine.

There are so many things….I have done them all. Well, except for the tattoos, crocodile and Mrs. Reggaeton did that…what can I do? They are tackier than me.

The thing is. A year ago I was sitting at the kitchen counter with a cigarette and a cup of coffee. I opened my laptop and started to write “He was so damn perfect that I left him for a crocodile” 350 visits later and messages from women all over the world and I had a blog. Who is this crocodile and why have we all had one in our lives?

Crocodile is any men, who has taken a woman for granted.

He is the guy that do not buy you flowers, does not remember your birthday, doesn’t ask  you how your day was, does not show any interest to meet or spend time with your friends, or you, for that matter. He is the guy capable of standing you up at an island. He always picks up the movie, tells you that you are fat after delivering his baby.

A year ago I was alone on Valentine´s Day.

I did not go out to dinner a year ago, I got a lousy T-shirt and one yellow rose one day later. Crocodile style.

This year I will buy myself flowers, lots of them.

Ha!

Chapter 58. The picture of Dorian Grey

Crocodile left his daughter crying by the door and left. She was sick, with a fever, he had not seen her in almost a month.

“I need to go see this woman Rachel, I cannot live like this. She left me. I already have a job offer and I am supposed to start working there on Monday but right now I do not know if moving to the South makes any sense. Please keep her and I will forever be greatful. By the way, you look gorgeous, your house is a home, I am a piece of shit”.

At that moment I lost any kind of respect or left over love for this man. Who in his right mind would leave his sick child behind, drive 700 miles at night to beg for somebody´s love? Right, a looser.

There was my closure, right in front of me, in my living room, typing Whatapps like a maniac and waiting for my permission to leave, looking totally distressed. Like a child, but it was not, it was the same perturbed 43 year old man that had perturbed me and everyone around him. A pure narcissistic asshole.

Six months prior to this Woody Allen scene I had moved out of the family house with nothing but a few suitcases.

Crocodile needed to break free I sensed so last Christmas, I wrote a good bye letter to my in laws and I announced the divorce to my friends and family. 

Soon thereafter, crocodile was “in love” with someone else he would post pictures on Facebook with a young girl that looked like a cheap version of me. They would go on vacation, take pictures on our bed, appear dressed up dining at fancy places toasting with champagne, proposing with a ring that looked exactly like mine, tattooed each other´s names. Crocodile came to my doorway to show me his tattoo while trying to convince me that he could easily remove it or change it to read something else.

I feel sorry for the new girl, she is just another prey, feeding the crocodile’s ego. And she is in it thinking that the man she sees now is the man she gets. He is offering her flowers, attention, jewels and trips to Bali. But none of it is for her. He wants to impress and have someone around telling him how wonderful he is.  “I do not care about her happiness Rachel, I care about mine”.

 

Chapter 57. Crocodile is in love

Very in love, he says, he sold the house, the company, the racing car and wants to move to Puerto Rico with his 28 year old girlfriend that makes him feel X and makes him look Y. That is the key. He also wants me to tell his mother about his plans. This love he feels for this woman, this rush, makes it impossible for them to be apart which only proves how scared he is to be alone.

Crocodile and Miss Reggeaton (which is the term that I use to decribe a young girl that listens to that kind of music and postes pictures of her butt on Facebook) have been together for six months. During that time, they got matching tattoos and posted pictures on Facebook. They want to share with the world how happy they are. They travel each weekend, stay at 5 star hotels, go to Michelin Star restaurants,  announce their relationship, their engagement to be married. The beauty of social networks, the perfect life. Yet, every once in a while, I get a message from crocodile in distress:

“Miss Reggeaton is leaving me, all because of you. She says that I gave you everything, too much…and that she cannot deal with that…” A couple of days later they are off to a new destination.

“Miss Reggeton is coming to town on Sunday, it might be the last time I see her. She does not undestand that I have a daughter and that my daughter will always come first so I will make it very clear to her” A couple of days later he is gone and does not call or see his daughter for two weeks.

Manipulate and you might find yourseld manipulated by someone smarter than you.

So I called my best friend the other day “Hey what is going on, why do I feel so unhappy sometimes and what do you think people could hate the most about me?”

“No way, I cant´t hate you, you are perfect, and your life is perfect, I see it on Facebook. Everything that you do is amazing, and you look great all the time. So happy, so perfect. I coud not say….Rachel, please focus on your moments and truly enjoy them, they are nobody elses´business…my wife is obsessed with that shit, she spends three hours in bed looking at what other people post and she suffers if her friends´s kids appear on this blogger´s blog and ours don´t. I think you women are crazy”.

I have deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts.

Chapter 56. Your face when your cleaning lady brings you clothes that don’t belong to you

Some women do odd things when they go through a divorce. Some hire the best lawyer in town to get the most out of their broken marriage, some seclude themselves at home with the kids feeling sorry for themselves, spending countless hours on the phone telling their friends about their ex´s latest moves and looking at old photo albums.

I wrote.

Since thousands of women have gone through this moment what better thing than to document the sleepless nights, the anxiety and the sad, really sad feelings that go through our veins when a love story ends? Because a failed love story began one day when the hopes were high and the butterflies ran free inside our stomachs, when the person that you meet in front of a judge today was the one taking you to cloud nine.

Crocodile and I had those moments. He literally turn my world upside down, made me forget about my former life. He was so kind, so loving and so attentive that nothing else matter.

One day, without prior notice, he changed. He began to act like I was no longer the center of his universe and that put a crack in my heart, a crack that ended up at a family court house. A crack that became bigger and bigger and caused me to suffer from insomnia, to loose a lot of weight, to feel increasingly sad, to forget or not care about important events, friends. The crack took over my peace, controlled my temper and pushed me into a depressive episode.

Women endure many things for love. Many lies, many disappointments and even many insults that would have seemed impossible when you first met.

Crocodile wanted to fly solo. He had filed for bankruptcy and needed to sell the house. He acted like a bitter man most of the time.

I left and filed for divorce. Who wants to force someone to love them back?

Because we are women and because we are mothers, we find the strengh to remove the bullets, clean the wounds, put lipstick on, and stand up.

Chapter 55. Don´t look back.

So you are now alone with your kids in a small place and a reduced income while your ex is out having fun and spending money? Don’t worry, you are not alone.

Crocodile used to call the kids on a Friday night from New Orleans with music in the background and claim that he was there for work. It is simply what men do when they go through a break-up. They put themselves first.

Let’s talk about the wonderful and miraculous process that most men go through when you leave them or when they leave you after many years of marriage.  First, they call their friends, then, they run back to their mothers and last but not least, they go party and spend money with someone new.

A lot.

All the money that they did not spend taking you out to dinner or buying you something nice, they will now spend on buying drinks and presents to complete strangers with the sole purpose of enjoying themselves. All those trips that they did not take with you they will now take with their friends to prove that their brotherhood is more important and that they are better off now that you are gone.

They will loose weight, change their hair, go shopping for new clothes, stop doing all the things that bothered you so much and start doing the ones you always wanted. To top it all, they will look better than ever and start treating you with despise, like you don’t matter, like they don’t care about you, like they don’t know you anymore and like they don’t have to acknowledge all the things the many things that you compromised in your life to bring happiness to theirs and the whole family.

Now they have to pay you. And it does not matter if their disposable income has increased since you and the kids are gone, and it does not matter if you have now found yourself in a much worse situation, doing all of the work, incapable of earning as much because when the clock strikes 7 you are up making breakfast and packing snacks and when the clock strikes 4 pm you are at some playground or grocery shop. Now you have to take the kids to soccer practice, games, birthday parties and music lessons. Now, in their mind, they have to pay you. They are told by the judges that the money is not for you but for the kids, they are told that it is the law, they are told all those things yes. But they still hate the fact that they have to pay you.

Most men’s lives will go on easily after the divorce, the increased fun and free time will make them forget all about you, the kids crying at the dinner table and waking up in the middle of the night or early on a Saturday morning is a thing of the past for them now. The return to a bachelor life will make them feel happier and free.

And that is how the story goes for many women and why many prefer to put up with a selfish asshole that they no longer love.