Chapter 5. Availability after 40

I was once told that in Indian culture, a male who remains single after 35 is seen as having some kind of deficiency. It could be said that he has a commitment problem, a physical problem, an emotional problem or all of the above, but the fact is that men availability is another issue for single women on the market regardless of their age. And it has been so for as long as I can remember. When I was in high school, most of us had a cross on the same guy, however, the limited number of desirable guys was not the most stressful topic at the time, it became more and more so during our senior year in college. Your girlfriends had more or less formal boyfriends, we were all about to graduate and it sort of seemed like being in a steady relationship was part of moving into adult life. The limited number of elegible partners became more evident at that point but it would only get worse.

Fours years down the line you are attending weddings of dear friends who met in colleague who are now working with more or less steady jobs and decide to tie the knot. And there is where the drama really begins.

In my case I was out of the danger zone, since I was engaged to Prince Charming at age 24, I always felt that my wedding attendance was secure. I was engaged, then married, then had a gorgeous baby boy, men, was I ahead of the game! But even then, I was well aware of the availability issue and the pressure issue that surrounds elegibility, and of course, the dating issue. I could write an entire book about dating as a 30 year old in Chicago based on what I have seen and what my girlfriends have gone through.

I had plenty of single friends struggling to find THE ONE. And he was always late, or problematic, or selfish, or had an important sexual issue that my single friends simply could not cope with. So as we turned 30 and 35 and we started to attend more and more weddings we started to get the feeling that no one wanted to be left out. People dating for a few years (let’s say 3 or 4) felt pressured to get married, it was “the thing to do”, “the next step” and silently guys knew this. Guys know that they either agree to marry or the woman that they are dating will leave them and jump quicker than a grasshopper to the next thing as their set their biological alarm for motherhood. So is it a race? Yes, you can say that it is.

So what happens to those single man or women in their 40’s?

If you are a man, you are a winner, you got to stay away from that getting married crap, you are seen as the survivor by your peer crocodiles and the less alpha men worry about you and feel sorry and try to arrange dates for you to “grow up”. You are probably very career focus or you practice a time consuming sport or you are a mama’s boy. Whatever the case, you are the shit.

If you are a women, you got to stay away from all that getting married crap, you are probably very focused on you career or you have a hobby that is time consuming or you simply like taking time for yourself, traveling whenever you want, taking your shirt off in the middle of the kitchen and your quiet time in your tremendously well decorated and tidy single-woman apartment. You might even have a kick ass job or have the most fun social life in the world. Whatever the case, your married girlfriends worry about you, your mother worries about you, your florist worries about you, your grandma does not have another concern than to see you getting married. You almost feel bad for having such a fun existence. Yet, you are perceived as a pitiful single lady who is running late for motherhood and is desperate to find an available male before is too late. Your are a State Affair.

My crocodile was in the mama’s boy successful man with a time consuming hobby group. I only knew about the last two details of course. Like most 40 year old mama’s boys,  he was very good at hiding “his problem”. The same way that we all pretend to be nicer, cooler and more understanding during the first months of dating, 40 year old mama’s boys pretend that they don’t have a problem at all. During the first months, if their phone rings and is their mother they won’t even pick up the phone which immediately warns their mother about your existence. These type of mothers are very smooth on how they control their babies, they will call them 4 or 5 times a day and demand their attention with innocent excuses or stories, getting in the way of your plans, your meals, your dates and even your sexual life. They think that they are entitled to be the women in their babies life  for life and they’d rather pull their own eyes than to admit that you are good enough for their utmost perfect creation. You are something that they must tolerate against their will. They will let you know this passing thousands of subtle messages that of course a crocodile will never acknowledge. Advice to all women dating a mamma’s boy: Run. If you are unable to for whatever reason never, absolutely never complain to a mammas’ boy about their mothers indifferent behavior towards you. They will freak out, deny it, and hold it against you. Their mothers are saints. Period.

For these type of mammas, you only exist to relief their babies’ physiological needs. If you and their baby have children, they will feel like the baby belongs to them also, not to you. Once the baby is born, you will see how their relationship with their babies grows even stronger while you and your partner grow further and further apart until you feel totally left out from the whole parenting scenario. A mama’s boy will only listen to their mammas’ advise when it comes to baby care and he will come home with baby food made by her, impose her rules of thumb and question you in everyway. Even if you hold a masters in childrens’ evolutive psychology and have had a baby before, their mamma knows best. Mamma’s boys will prefer mamas’ food to yours and will want to spend most of their weekends at her house just to make mamma happy. Once a mama’s boys has you where he wants (let’s call it the point of no return) whenever his mama calls, they ALWAYS pick up the phone.

Availability after 40 is a tricky thing.


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