Chapter 36. Once a bitch, always a bitch

Bitch: a female dog or other canine, your (so thought friend) who smiles flirtlily at your husband, ex-husband or soon to be ex-husband behind your back, thinks is ok to whatsapp your partner, ex-partner or soon to be ex-partner and offers him help and/or support during your divorce. A good bitch may even offer your ex help decorating his new bachelor place at your birthday party. Nice.

It is the same kind of friend that you used to have in High School, the one that dated you ex behind your back while you were still trying to get over the break up. Except now she is older and wiser and more astute and ups!, that thing that grown ups become, civilized.

Ahhhh there are so many bitches in the world indeed! I love them, I have met them all throughout my life because as I have mentioned earlier in this blog, I have lived the high life with a good looking man who adored me and with whom I had the opportunity to travel around the world and do amazing things. And that lasted many years! Can you imagine how many bitches I collected along the way? Then, to their own pleasure, I met crocodile and fell and bit the dust quite hard while many of my surrounding bitches were swimming in an ocean of joy thinking…about time!

When I was a teenager I got a scooter for my birthday. Since I was the first to have it I taught all of my friends how to drive it and shared it all the time. I was really happy when I was able to teach my friends in my parents parking garage. What reason could they possibly have to hate me? Suddenly, some friends became hostile and started to act weird towards me.

From those early experiences I concluded that those who are there watching your every move from up close and who you make a part of your life with an open heart sometimes don’t witness your life with love but with envy, waiting to see you fall, waiting to have what you have, waiting for their turn to shine. If they spend part of their lives criticizing what you do, what you write, how you fold and keep your baby clothes (yes, that goes for you former sister in law, I heard you from the downstairs baby monitor while you and your mom were upstairs critizicing the way I keep my daughter’s clothes, you bitch) if they do that, they are nothing but your fans.

Yes, those who talk badly about you, those who purposely wait until the last minute to wish you happy birthday (they call them friendnemies these days) those are your biggest fans. I have unmasked them many times (whatapps sent to the wrong person = me, and other hilarious moments). I have at times pretended to get offended when in reality, I no longer get offended by most bitches moves because I’m used to having to live with them and because they serve a purpose: to reinforce my personal brand. I can smell them from a far and I know exactly who they are.

Three years ago I had to let go of my childhood best friend, the truth is that she had been a bitch to me her entire life but she had always gotten away with it. Until one day I read a bitchy comment made by her on my FB and I eliminated her from my life. How do I feel? The same way I feel about my fake boobs, I should have done it earlier.

As of late, I simply act oblivious to the whole bitch move  when it occurs. That doesn’t mean that I don’t acknowledge it, that doesn’t mean that unmasking a bitch doesn’t hurt at times when you discover that a woman that you thought to be strong and  genuinely friendly with you ends up being another simple bitch.

I smile, seem happy and act stupidly cool, naive and oblivious to the whole bitch episode, just like true bitches do.

Do you know what I mean?

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