Chapter 39. Out of order

What happens when you live your life out of order? Meaning, when you have certain life experiences at the wrong time? Imagine, you build your house from the roof. The house won’t endure an upside down building process and it will end up in ruins. The same could be said about relationships or lives that don’t start where they should.

I went out with Mark a couple of times and I felt like I am too old for dating people, needless to say, Tinder. I think that due to my parents divorce, I grew up too quickly and that is why I got engaged at 21. Who does that? Nobody. Unless you have no place to call home anymore, because your parents are so busy moving on and hating each other that they have forgotten to cater to your needs. Yes, at 17 and 18, you are still a child that doesn’t know where is going.

Right about the time when I met Prince Charming I was feeling quite alone, the same type of loneliness that I felt when I broke up with the crocodile, that is, completely alone and with no place to call home. At 18, I was old enough to go abroad and look for a new horizon that made me forget about my devastated family, I was lucky enough to meet a loving guy who taught me about normal relationships and shared his normal loving family with me. At 36, upon leaving the crocodile I was in a tougher spot, middle aged woman with two divorces on her back and two small children, one from each marriage, with an unstable income in a slow economy, surrounded by a small town bourgois mentality, a narcissist mother, …not a great spot at all.

Luckily, I was able to get on a plane to the U.S. with my children and meet some friends in the West coast who helped me  a great deal. Then, I got back on my feet. I would put my children through middle school with a lot of effort. Most of my weekends where dedicated to them; their birthday parties, their sport events, their wishes and desires. And I, as a woman, dissapeared for a few years.

In my early 40’s I felt like Praticia Arquette in one of the last scenes of the movie Boyhood. I thought “so this is it?” I had had so many life experiences and I had traveled so much and I had had so many husbands and so many ex families (well, I consider two a lot) that I had no real motivation to get romantically involved.

So yes, Mark had it really difficult.

There was nothing particularly wrong with him. He was polite and trying hard to please me. But I just could not be bothered.

After a few months dating I started to see Prince Charming in him, which made me miss him a lot. I realized that he was and always would be, the man of my life.

During one of our dates, Mark also told me that in the movies, women always caused the trouble and the story to go down, which made me think of crocodile. He truly believed women were the origin and source of all men’s problems and considered women to be inferior to men. And yes, he actually voiced those thoughts to me. So when Mark made that statement, I stopped seeing him.

It had been a perhaps innocent comment on his end but before I knew it I found myself saying the cliché phrase: “I don’t think that we should be seeing each other any more, it’s not you, it’s me”.

He called a few times but I never returned his calls. And that is how Mark became a thing of the past, hunted by my own past’s ghosts.

I see this thing happening to too many divorcees.

I think I am getting a cat. No, two cats.


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