Chapter 47. Your booty call is not answering your text messages and you just feel kind of unwanted.

Men no longer fall in love with a woman the way they used to in Oscar Wilde´s novels. These days men are just warm. Room temperature, that means, not too involved,  not too cold either, simply detached, self centered, boyish is you want,…call it whatever.

This is the new concept that I have acquired as of late. My single ladies say it, I came to understand it and they might very well be right.

The guys they like are warm, not cold, not hot. They won´t ignore you completely, but they won´t fall for you either. So how do you handle that kind of socially accepted apathy if  in the end all we all want is to have a man to fall head over hills for us? Do you text the guy and ask him if he cares about you? No way! That is so old school. Better to play the room temperature game for…well…ever.

It does not matter if you are looking for a serious relationship or just a booty call. In either case, women want to be the center of their men´s attention. But far from that, guys remain silent these days, they do not open their mouth to say how pretty you look or send a message asking how you are doing. Many of them master and play the “room temperature game” that is: You now I like you enough, right? We have been together and I proved it because I came so you must be reassured. But girl, I love my life as is and  I will not go out of my way to show you how much I care and bring you into it the way that you think you deserve. Rather, I will keep you hanging, I will keep you around like an unleashed dog that knows its way home when I call, when I think is a good time to show that I miss you a bit and that I care, in case I care, which by the way, I am not sure….

Are you a girl just wanting to have casual sex? Well, think again. Because room temperature guys might not even respond to your casual sex call. What? Yes, that is right, something that seemed unthinkable in the past. Something that should be any guy´s dream, no longer is. You put it out there, simple, no strings attached, just the fun, and they pass on it all the same. So warm.

Are they gay? No, they are not. They are simply warm, don´t have to sweat for it so why should they? Girls no longer get seduced, they seduce, they do all the work, they are the ones chasing after boys while the boys show little interested and prefer to spend the night hanging out or watching their favorite TV series.

It is Saturday, your booty call is not answering your text messages and you just feel kind of unwanted.

You are not alone.

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46. Seven single ladies in distress plus one married one

Saturday night. We meet at 9 pm around a table, one hour before the concert, we have wine, eat some Spanish tapas at a cheap place and we each pay for what we ordered. That is what independent single ladies (struggling to make ends meet in a slow economy) do these days.

“I can´t understand people and relationships anymore as we grow older. You meet someone, you hit it off and then one of them (often the man) draws back, scared, protective of his or her own space and life. Two days have gone by since I heard from him last. This leaves me wondering and waiting anxiously and I hate that”.

“You can´t feel married to your lover or at least you shouldn’t”. Crushes are supposed to be fun! I said. “Can’t  you just love yourself and embrace what life has to offer without obsessing about another man so soon? You might meet someone else tonight”.

But women in this state don´t want to hear that. They want to run into their crush and if they don´t, they become a real pain in the butt for their friends. All night, all week. Period.

It was obvious that we were just her “in between” plan until her real plan unfolded. She kept looking at her phone over and over to see if anything came up. Meanwhile, she took advantage of every minute that she had on a one on one basis to bring up her topic: him and the hypothetical reasons for this silence.

“But why? Why can´t I have a crazy crush and obsess about someone if that is what I am feeling right now? Isn´t a crush supposed to be a crazy obsessive thing? Why can´t I have sex with my ex boyfriend? Why can’t I think about a second chance with him? What are all those rules about second parts not being good and crushes never evolving into love? What is it about people needing time to feel and reconnect with themselves after a break up? Really, who the hell wrote those rules and why do we have to obey them?” I must say she had a point. There is no reason to follow rules when it comes to human emotions so I shut up and finished my Chardonnay.

Aggie was also there, she is about to get a divorce but she does not find the guts to hand out the memo to the recipient. She can’t stand her life next to her husband anymore and it is painful to witness the situation from up close. It is sad to have to testify and confirm that everything is so done between two people that once decided to get married and build a family. This reality reminds me that everything comes to an end, us included. She says that his lack of drive is driving her mad and that she now needs a man that takes control and has more initiative… whatever. In the end, when you are out of love, any excuse will do.

Crocodile used to ignore me altogether. He would not value any of my qualities but could go for hours taking about my shortcomings. That is all we see when we don´t love someone: shortcomings, imperfections, perhaps our own.

The same thing happened to Anne. We met briefly at the Bahamas when she and her husband were trying to save their marriage. I would spend hours arguing with crocodile on the phone while in Paradise (how fun) but while I walked up and down the white sand beach, I was able to observe Anne and her now ex husband. They were a picture of Prince Charming and I a few years back in Mexico. A young couple away from their first baby trying to reinstate the spark in their relationship. They looked so done.

Last Thursday she posted a picture of her civil wedding. She got married in Paris to a famous interior designer. Congrats.

When we do love, shortcomings don´t bother us, we accept them with open arms.  But here we were, another case of two people getting passed each other and another case of two people not daring to get to that point. Another broken promise and another proof that happily ever after is not what we need these days but what is it that we need exactly?

When Saturday night comes, expectations rise that is for sure.

I was feeling quite disgusted myself because being the extremely sensitive person that I am, I could feel for all of us. Seven single ladies (myself included) in their late thirties out on a Saturday night while their cats waited for them at home knowing that they would be back that same night.

Anna was looking pretty tonight, really pretty and I had spent hours getting ready for something that never happened. At least not the way I had envisioned.

But we were alive. And free.

Chapter 45. That feeling that you get when you see a picture of your ex with another woman for the first time

Nausea. Jealousy. Distress.

Those feelings may comea thorugh your veins as you unveiled the truth: your ex looks happy in the arms of another woman. And what is worse, another woman is bragging about your ex and is calling your ex “her baby”.

Let me start by saying that this was not meant to happen. Blame it on social media.

For years, you may know your ex new girlfriend’s first name and be ok with it. As long as her last name is not your former last name everything is good. But one day you find out what her last name really is, by chance, it appears on a random update that you run into as you are about to put your phone on airplane mode and call it a day. One minute later, you are googling this woman like a maniac and finding things that you wish you had not ever found about her (i.e: she seems like a nice person, she has style, she likes a lot of the same things that you like, she is thinner your gramma even loves her…I mean, all painful stuff).

That is the risk that we take these days as we link accounts, sync devices and upload personal information on social networks that we believe to be private. Surprise! They are not, your ex will find it.

Our life partners are mirrors of who we are or who we were and therefore so are the new partners that they choose to spend their life with after us.

But as you grow older many people understand that faking is part of the deal to get what we want, right?

Just saying…