Chapter 58. The picture of Dorian Grey

Crocodile left his daughter crying by the door and left. She was sick, with a fever, he had not seen her in almost a month.

“I need to go see this woman Rachel, I cannot live like this. She left me. I already have a job offer and I am supposed to start working there on Monday but right now I do not know if moving to the South makes any sense. Please keep her and I will forever be greatful. By the way, you look gorgeous, your house is a home, I am a piece of shit”.

At that moment I lost any kind of respect or left over love for this man. Who in his right mind would leave his sick child behind, drive 700 miles at night to beg for somebody´s love?

There was my closure, right in front of me, in my living room, typing Whatapps like a maniac and waiting for my permission to leave, looking totally distressed. Like a child, but it was not, it was the same perturbed 43 year old man that had perturbed me and everyone around him. A pure narcissistic asshole.

Six months prior to this Whoody Allen scene I had moved out of the family house with nothing but a few suitcases.

Crocodile needed to break free, he said. He did everything that a man could possibly do to undermine a woman, verbal, psychological and even physical abuse. So last Christmas, I wrote a good bye letter to my in laws and I announced the divorce to my friends and family. 

Soon thereafter, crocodile was in love with someone else, he would post pictures on Facebook with a much younger women, on vacation, on our bed and at a restaurant, smiling, looking very relaxed, as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had been lost. He would appear dressed up dining at fancy places and proposing to this woman. They tattooed each other names and bought wedding bands that they also posted on Facebook. He came to my doorway to show me his tattoo and tried to convinced me that he could easily remove it or change it to read something else.

I feel sorry for the new girl, she is just another prey, feeding the crocodile’s ego. And she is in it thinking that the man she sees now is the man she gets. He is offering her flowers, attention, jewels and trips to Bali. But none of it is for her. He wants to impress and have someone around telling him how wonderful he is and how foolish I was to file for divorce. I put him before his Dorian Grey portrait and he desperately wants to forget about what he saw. Just like that, jumping to the next thing. “That always worked for me”, he said whenever talking about the women of his past. “I do not care about her happiness, I care about mine”.

This new person is his means of transportation to the next place. Nothing more. Once he soaks her up it will be too late for her, she will have willingly given up much of her own essence for him, under false premises, under false promises that he won’t keep. When delivery time comes, he will withdraw from everything and continue to be a crocodile. She will feel betrayed, her smile will forever take a bit too long to show up on her face and she will look and feel much older than she ever did before.

Or the other way around.


Chapter 57. Crocodile is in love

Very in love, he says, he sold the house, the company, the racing car and wants to move to Puerto Rico with his 28 year old girlfriend that makes him feel X and makes him look Y. That is the key. He also wants me to tell his mother about his plans. This love he feels for this woman, this rush, makes it impossible for them to be apart which only proves how scared he is to be alone.

Crocodile and Miss Reggeaton (which is the term that I use to decribe a young girl that listens to that kind of music and postes pictures of her butt on Facebook) have been together for six months. During that time, they got matching tattoos and posted pictures on Facebook of their naked tattooed bodies, of them holding hands, at a spa, drinking champagne at fancy restaurants. They want to share with the world how happy they are. They travel each weekend, stay at 5 star hotels, go to Michelin Star restaurants,  announce their relationship, their engagement to be married. The beauty of social networks, the perfect life. Yet, every once in a while, I get a message from crocodile in distress:

“Miss Reggeaton is leaving me, all because of you. She says that I gave you everything, too much…and that she cannot deal with that…” A couple of days later they are off to a new destination.

“Miss Reggeton is coming to town on Sunday, it might be the last time I see her. She does not undestand that I have a daughter and that my daughter will always come first so I will make it very clear to her” A couple of days later he is gone and does not call or see his daughter for two weeks.

Manipulate and you might find yourseld manipulated by someone smarter than you.

So I called my best friend the other day “Hey what is going on, why do I feel so unhappy sometimes and what do you think people could hate the most about me?”

“No way, I cant´t hate you, you are perfect, and your life is perfect, I see it on Facebook. Everything that you do is amazing, and you look great all the time. So happy, so perfect. I coud not say….Rachel, please focus on your moments and truly enjoy them, they are nobody elses´business…my wife is obsessed with that shit, she spends three hours in bed looking at what other people post and she suffers if her friends´s kids appear on this blogger´s blog and ours don´t. I think you women are crazy”.

I have deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts.