All of us who love are ready to risk, like a gambler, you can either loose or win. Falling in love is easy, the hard part is the breakup, carrying on with your life when the story ends. You ended it, it ended, the other part ended it. In either case, it hurts. The moment when the feeling is gone, the energy is gone, the chemistry that empowered you and your partner to feel like you could conquer the world (similar to what you feel when you leave the gym after a good sweat) is GONE.
And you feel it. It drags you down the road of disenchantment and suddenly you are no longer on top of it. Rather, you feel as disoriented as an octopus in a garage.
A few things can happen when the relationship starts to shift and something starts to feel off:
a) you deny it. you lie to yourself and pretend is not a big deal. By now, you have invested enough in the relationship and you are emotionally dependent on this person. He or she doesn’t call or text as often but that’s normal right? It means that relationship is more mature now.
Wrong! Something is off and you know it. Your heart knows it, your body knows it, you may even get physically sick but…
Nobody likes loosing that amazing energy that love exudes, nobody likes failing, telling everyone that Mr. Awesome was indeed average Joe and that Ms. Wonderful is a crazy bitch that trashes the hotel room whenever she feels like it. So you deny your reality and keep acting normal. This is a common mistake, a human mistake, a mistake that all of us who have loved someone madly have made at some point. The problem is that you are lying to yourself and by lying to yourself you are lying to everyone around you.
“We are fine, just not ready to move in together yet, we are getting to know each other”
“We are fine, having a baby or not is not something that could break us, we come first, our love comes first”
“We are fine, my partner tells me that I should be more independent, go out more with my friends, travel alone, allow them to travel alone and spend more time with other people”
So what happens when you are in denial?
You loose your self respect, your partner senses it because we are all energy beings with a certain vibe, and you loose your attractiveness, your essence, all the things that made your partner fall in love with you in the first place.
Then, one day, inevitably, your partner leaves you without prior notice, at the worst possible time and your biggest fear “a life without this person” materializes.
What am I going to do now? I love this person! I want this person! I need this person!
Wrong. You don’t, you think that you do because you are dominated by fear. So instead of accepting and respecting your now ex partners’ decisions, you follow your instinct (your fear) and you make the following mistakes that will drive this person away for good:
1. You call and message this person obsessively. You appear needy and desperate.
2. You try to make this person jealous talking about other people.
3. You are nasty to this person.
4. You desperately chase down everyone in this persons’ circle to find out about what he or she might be up to or thinking.
5. You force this person to talk about the relationship.
6. You try to victimize yourself to get a reaction.
Does it ring the bell? Probably yes.
The bad news is that by doing so you have ruined your image and your self esteem, you have made the person you love loose any left over respect for you and well, without respect, there is no greatness.
Now the damage is done and you will have to asume that your love is gone for good.
What are you going to do with all this energy? With this feeling?
Take a deep breath, gain perspective, use it as a chance to grow, to create, to overcome your fears and build a new space for a new life.
A life where you are what matters the most, what you love the most. Because when someone is not willing to fight for you, most of the time, is nothing personal, it is the other person’s issue, not yours.
Next time you sense something is not working, you will do b, c or d, but not a.