Chapter 83. Good intentions

At the beginning of any romantic relationship, we are all filled with good intentions. We want things to work out and last forever, we say and do things with the best of our intentions and set the bar really high. Sometimes to impress the other, sometimes moved by the excitement of the moment, sometimes dreaming out loud because Gezz does early love makes us dream or what?

We feel like the main characters of a romantic comedy, life becomes a movie but with a catch. In a movie you rehearse, you learn the lines and know the ending beforehand. In real life you don’t.

Life is like an ongoing rehearshal of a movie that won´t have an opening night. An absurd performance where nobody has read the script and where at times, we become mere characters spitting out lines and carrying out actions over which we have no control. Actions and words that will have irreversible consequences over our lives by the way….oh yes:

You and I rehearsing for a life together, you and I saying good bye across a table, me fixing things because you can’t, me complaining because the air conditioning was not working in the apartment this summer. You lying, coming and going, me getting the feeling that you hide stuff from me. The spilled coffee on the coffee cup plate, late breakfast…my reactions, yours…

And then silence, the lack thereof.

You waking up there, me waking up here.

I still like the idea of a castle with you, but this castle that you offer lacks foundation and I feel like there are tenants and other landlords that live inside”

Intentions are good for nothing when reality hits. And reality tends to hit hard along the road. That is why that married man won’t leave his wife, that is why that widow will not move in with you even though she intended to. He or she said that they would, yes, it was their intention to do so, but then life happened. The job, the promotion, the sick child or the many other things that get in the way of this poor thing called love.

All those good intentions and promises that we make in the early love stages end up biting us in the butt, resulting too often in heartbreak and disappointment or perhaps even frustration.

Blame love and movies for making us all believe that love conquers all, more often than not it doesn’t.

But it’s certainly worth the try!

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Chapter 82. Does your “crazy” ex make you crazy?

If the answer is yes you are not over your ex.

Surprise!!!!

If your interaction with your ex looks something like “The War of the Rose” to everyone around you, if things are about to explode in the air when you two are in the same room, if emails are frequent and keep going back and forward all morning or all night up to 15-18 emails in one single conversation, if you know that your ex is the only person that replies to your emails faster than your mother, if he or she always calls asking for help, offering you help when you ask nicely or justifying what he or she does with the person they are dating, if you don’t immediately hung up when he rings, if you spend a lot of time on the phone just agreeing to disagree, if when you two are together the tension escalates to the ceiling to the point where everyone has to hold on to their chairs because it feels like an imminent earthquake is coming, overreactions on both ends are frequent and you two just feel this urge to do something really stupid, you simply can’t be cordial and act normal…..because you are normal right? Your ex is the crazy one.

If this scenario rings the bell I will break the news:

“you are definitely still in ex recovery zone” Not in love, not out of love. You are in that fine line that distinguishes one from the other.

Indifference is the opposite of love. Hate and anger isn’t. We have heard this a thousand times and it is true. I could say that until you truly feel indifference for someone, I mean, when his or her presence doesn’t affect you emotionally whatsoever, I mean, you see this person show up and you don’t care, you don’t mind, you don’t get any strong feelings, that is you can be functional and by functional I mean: you are able to maintain the conversation that you were previously holding, you can find the house keys without any problems, or put ketchup in your burger without confusing the ketchup with the mustard etc. If these basic acts get obstructed by your ex’s presence you are not free.

You still belong to that person, yes belong, because in a way that person that formerly ruled your heart and your life still controls your mind and your reactions.

Exes are a great example of that. Does your “crazy” ex make you crazy?

If he is a man, does he totally check you out when you turn around? He is definitely not over you! Are you unable to cause real damage to that persons’s life (work, new relationships, etc) because in some strange way you feel responsible for that person and wish for their happiness? If the answer is yes there you have it.

How crazy it is that you are unable to hurt someone that you supposedly hate? Even if you happen to be the master of a nuclear weapon that could cause serious damage to your ex and for all your inconveniences to disappear for good? You choose not to do it.

“Very crazy indeed”

Chapter 81. An abandoned man is an easy prey

He said goodbye and left, crying and heart broken.

Only a few days after being abandoned, he found someone new, a new woman that picked up his pieces from the floor and made him hers. A floating device.

Years have gone by and he keeps holding on to this safety branch, most men who have lost the love of their lives do this, after all, it is nice to be the one who is loved more for a change immediatly after you get your heart broken and your life plan dissapears. Who would refuse being pampered and treated like a king by another woman after the woman of your life, the one that you have loved the most, the mother of your child, broke your heart into a million pieces and dumped you? Who would not like a new pal to talk badly about your ex and to tell you what to do to forget about her while travelling around in style, appearing totally over it and having lots of sex? Who would not like to be with someone commited to make you forget about your former life completely because that is after all, in her best interest? No kids, no family, just you, once rejected, abandoned, treated like crap by that woman that was once the core of your whole life. Now you feel pampered, spoilt, loved to pieces. It is not her, but it is nice nonetheless, “I can get used to this” you tell yourseff, “I can teach myself to love her” you add, she doesn´t hurt, she doesn´t hurt, and before you know it, you find yourself accomodated in a stable relationship, maybe even a second marriage that will feel a lot safer than the other one before because in the one before, you were at risck, your heart was at risk,  you were afraid of loosing and in this one, you are not, you are safe. You love her yeah but with moderation, “I had enough of suffering” you conclude.

On the other hand, when a woman finds a man in that desperate of a state she can easily sense it. She will take advantage of the situation to move in, take control over everything and never let go, she will make sure that this man sticks around for life and will pay her inmense gratitude, eternal gratitude for picking him up from the floor. He won´t love her as much, but he will choose her comfort and the reassurance that she provides. A “just abandoned” man is a very easy prey for any woman indeed.

Chapter 80. Sex and Fear

I am an actress, an actress waiting for a break but an actress after all. And we actors, artists in general, are strange people, sensitive people that feel ten times more than normal people do. The love, the pain, the gain. The memories that keep invading the mind when you least expect it and the anguish too, a profound anguish that escalates as we get older and is always lingering there, keeping us company, saying “hi how are you doing this morning? “Want to go for coffee or stay at home and feel miserable about that audition all day?”

Don’t know, give me a second, I am just waking up…

We feel it all the time. It is the pet that we feed when we act and the pet that barks when we are not acting.

“Here is my chance, my so overdue chance to have a leading part”. I started reading about my character, a famous writer participating in a job insertion program for troublesome teenagers. She is my age, she is blonde like me, blue eyed like me, only a little shorter and skinnier. Petite. She gets lost in her thoughts.

“I could barely sleep last night. This is strange. Who would have told me when they called me in London that coming here was going to get me to feel this way, this silly, this anxious, this alive? But his confidence, his freshness, his boldness, is so sexy. There is a subtle violence in him that turns me on, it’s sexually appealing when he talks back to me in class and stares at me right back into my eyes with a defying look that God! makes me want to have him. I find myself checking his Facebook page and the more I look at the pictures the more I want him. We did not use to have this back in the day. It is so easy to fall in love or get sexually infatuated now with the idea of someone. I finished a bottle of wine and closed the computer. Then I put myself to sleep touching myself while thinking about him. This morning I want him even more.

I want him to come to my place when I am alone. I know that he likes to use weapons and knowing that turns me on. I imagine him holding one, using one. He wants to enroll in the army. This only escalates the sexual tension that I feel when I see him each morning in class sitting across the table from me, I can smell him and I feel like an animal holding back a pounding sexual tension. I have this phantasy that he shows up at night when I am in my place getting ready for bed and I am all by myself. He is standing there in the dark, standing in my room, pointing at me with a gun.

Then I see him, he sees me and I am there naked in the dark, with him across the room holding the gun. The fear and excitement running through my veins. I am nervous and horny at the same time. He is enjoying it”.

Chapter 79. The Ex

One must love French movies.

In French movies exes are cordial and meet up at family events. They can even exchange supportive smiles when their man ex/man is acting like a total fool in their presence.

Some Hollywood movies have taken this subject to the big screen but those movies are without a doubt, based on French films.

The French are sophisticated, socially and politically speaking and therefore, they manage past love stories better than most of us mortals, maybe because they understand that love is ephimeral and stories don´t last forever. Having that clear saves us a lot of hostlity. Maybe because they understand that men, those matians, are something that all women endure at some point.

Why is it that we systematically hate our partner’s ex? Personally I don’t see the point in doing so. Call me a researcher but I always try to analyze closely the person that left the job or the person that was “fired” because let’s face it, who better than an ex employee/boss to give you hints about what is coming your way? Don´t people ask for referrals?

Right. But most women, moved but nothing but ego, mistakenly think the following:

“He did that because she was such a bitch. He won’t do it to me”

Ha, Ha,  Ha!

Wait, I just choked on my porridge.

Chapter 78. You were dumped and you feel more pathetic than Briget Jones in the good old days.

Yes, dumped, rejected, thrown in the garbagge.

It happened only a few days ago, a few months ago, a few years ago and even though you have managed to put yourself somewhat back together, you still surprise yourself crying over a salad bowl, looking at old pictures, spending countless hours reading articles and watching videos about “how to get your ex back” telling the guy at the coffee shop about your past relationship or thinking that talking to a medium and paying a fortune for it is a great idea.

You might think “I am too old for experiencing heartbreak for the first time” but somehow you feel relief for having those feelings. Up until now, you hadn´t really suffered for anybody so you were feeling borderline sociopath, perhaps you hadn´t really loved anybody or perhaps you had never been dumped before. The thruth is that now, you feel and sound like a broken record harassing everyone around you and talking non stop about one single thing: him.

Will he ever come into his senses and call me to say how much he loves me? Did he ever really love me? Will I ever recover from this and most importantly, why did he leave me? We had so much in common! We were so good together! He told me that he loved me!

Your friend can´t take it anymore, your mom can take it anymore, the bus driver can´t take it anymore. In fact, the bus driver´s grandma can´t take it anymore. You are lucky that you´ve still got friends. You are by all means, a headless chicken, a crazy woman, obsessing over and over about a guy that simply did not care enough to stay.

By now, you might or might not be beyond the phase of sending him tons of emails and desperate messages of the sort “hi baby, please think about it, who are you going to be with better than me? “I miss you, can you call me?” All in capital letters and in the middle of the night. Yup, pathetic.

Being dumped is for sure a mutilating experince, but it is also a great opportunity to eat tons of chocolate and try new cocktails.

Or go shopping for new clothes.

Chapter 77. Men always come back

After a few months, even years, men start to miss what they once had. So while women hit the ground first and bounce back quickly men do something very different. The opposite, actually.

At first, men feel free and euphoric when they feel single again, the breakup feels like something liberating and like an opportunity to only think about themselves and do whatever they want to do (be more work focused, have sex with other women, go out and be silly, hit the gym more) but later everything starts to feel heavy on them. The countless nights alone in hotel rooms while they are traveling for work, the good night messages that don’t come any more, the little things that you used to do, the way you took care of yourself, the way you made them feel when you two were having a good time or looking for something nice for the house, in short, the ideal home that you once offered. The stability. Men need stability, a place to call home and a loving woman to go back to.

So while you have moved on with your life and you feel stronger and more beautiful than ever, maybe even in love again, your ex now seems more lost and confused than before, he might even feel that despite everything that has gone down (all the frustration and all the falling apart) in his mind, you are and forever will be, his point of return. But with one subtle difference: you are not, you are gone for good and he just hasn’t got the memo.

Why is so?

Once a woman closes her heart or gets disappointed by a man he loves is very hard to win her back, to get back into the heart, if not impossible. Men can take back a woman more easily than women do. Women are emotional beings with high standards for what constitutes feeling reassured, protected, safe, which are the things that most women value more in a stable relationship. So a guy that has hurt you once could stab you twice and that is simply not a safe bet for any woman after the age of 30.

Chapter 76. The Rebound

By definition rebound: bouncing back through the air after hitting something hard.

Also: the relationship that a desperate and a fool start right after or during a breakup that is curvy and that in the majority of the cases ends up poorly.

Maybe we don’t want to suffer maybe we want to forget maybe, just maybe, we fall for someone for real but even in the last case the result will be deadly.

We are not ready.

Healing takes time, forgiving and forgetting takes time, and even if by now you realize that you are and always were out your ex’s league, that you are too good of a home made tomato sauce for that frozen lasagna, you will still need time to overcome the breakup.

So the best rebound in this case is yourself, starting a new relationship with yourself. As Oscar Wilde would put it “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”. So look at the stars. You, once too focused on what another person was needing or feeling are now free to roam and live. How exciting.

In the unlikely event that you still love your ex do not worry. That’s ok, keep that love in your heart and be thankful for it, after all, a life without love is a garden with dead flowers in it but above all you are the flower, the prettiest flower of all and there is no choice but to love yourself when everyone else is taken or unwilling. And that means, becoming the best version of yourself, accomplishing the things that you had put second for your now ex partner and feeling the amazing high of living beyond existing.

As Wilde also puts is “to love yourself is the beginning of a life long romance” that will make you bounce back so high in the air that you will have no choice but to fly above the clouds.

Amazing. Unreachable!

Chapter 75. The One

We met at the park. An open space is the perfect space for big overwhelming rencounters I thought and as I got out of the metro and walked there my heart was pounding. I felt as excited as on our first date, it was NYC 1998.

We have known each other for 20 years now, that is a long time and for all those years we have kept an eye on each other, like two guardian angels that are busy doing other things but are connected. So when he told me that he was coming to see me in Europe I could not help feeling excited, very excited. Once again, 7 years later our paths were crossing.

I am not the same person, he is not the same person, but our souls are exactly the the same than when we met. Me, a troubled kid, him, a troubled kid. Scared to death and aware that we are not young any more, that tomorrow is no longer waiting for us to grow up, tomorrow is now.

I took a deep breath and kept walking, thinking that it was a matter of minutes now, knowing that he was already there waiting for me made me feel even more nervous, I was the one showing up, so he was the one staring and waiting for me to appear amongst the crowd. What am I going to say? What am I going to do? Kiss? Hug? Hug and kiss? This man is the man of my life, the one and only and he knows it.

It was a beautiful sunny day and I did not have time to think about the small details before I knew it, his arms were all around me. He seemed taller and stronger than I remembered. I felt home.

It has been one month since he came to London. My life has not been the same since he left, my mind gets flashbacks from his visit. I analyze every word that he said, visit each shared moment. Now that he is gone I feel as content, as fortunate and as empty as ever before but somehow I feel content, content for having someone so special, so true and so familiar in my life.

I look at the pictures, wait for him to wake up on the other side of the world, look for new WhatsApps, the weird, the short and everything in between, draft my responses. Did I say too much? Are we going anywhere? Does it matter?

Life goes on.

Chapter 74. Being happy

Being happy means living a fulfilling life and being at peace with yourself. Loving yourself. Often, we focus too much on finding love outside but what about love inside? Do you love yourself? Do you respect yourself? When was the last time that you were kind to yourself?

Inner peace and mindfulness are fundamental concerns for smart individuals these days, increasing needs for those who have overcome the ego phase, where only the superficial and the selfish reside. In order to find wellness, a balance between soul, body and surroundings must exist. You have to quiet your mind, listen to your breath, work your body and feel healthy all day, eat good food, enjoy the small things.

We see so many people and so many bloggers focused on expensive clothes and physical appearance, working hard for people to envy them for what they do, who they date or what they have. This only adds to human distress. It shrinks the heart and stops us from being free and honest. Who looks great all day everyday and wears the perfect outfit or has the perfect life at all times? Who hasn’t been in hell while in paradise? Right.

Honesty is the new trend, real life, real women who love themselves and do the best they can, yes, that includes dressing up to the nines occasionally, but above all, who have a purpose.

Happiness is about having a purpose. If you still don’t have one find it.