Chapter 80. Sex and Fear

I am an actress, an actress waiting for a break but an actress after all. And we actors, artists in general, are strange people, sensitive people that feel ten times more than normal people do. The love, the pain, the gain. The memories that keep invading the mind when you least expect it and the anguish too, a profound anguish that escalates as we get older and is always lingering there, keeping us company, saying “hi how are you doing this morning? “Want to go for coffee or stay at home and feel miserable about that audition all day?”

Don’t know, give me a second, I am just waking up…

We feel it all the time. It is the pet that we feed when we act and the pet that barks when we are not acting.

“Here is my chance, my so overdue chance to have a leading part”. I started reading about my character, a famous writer participating in a job insertion program for troublesome teenagers. She is my age, she is blonde like me, blue eyed like me, only a little shorter and skinnier. Petite. She gets lost in her thoughts.

“I could barely sleep last night. This is strange. Who would have told me when they called me in London that coming here was going to get me to feel this way, this silly, this anxious, this alive? But his confidence, his freshness, his boldness, is so sexy. There is a subtle violence in him that turns me on, it’s sexually appealing when he talks back to me in class and stares at me right back into my eyes with a defying look that God! makes me want to have him. I find myself checking his Facebook page and the more I look at the pictures the more I want him. We did not use to have this back in the day. It is so easy to fall in love or get sexually infatuated now with the idea of someone. I finished a bottle of wine and closed the computer. Then I put myself to sleep touching myself while thinking about him. This morning I want him even more.

I want him to come to my place when I am alone. I know that he likes to use weapons and knowing that turns me on. I imagine him holding one, using one. He wants to enroll in the army. This only escalates the sexual tension that I feel when I see him each morning in class sitting across the table from me, I can smell him and I feel like an animal holding back a pounding sexual tension. I have this phantasy that he shows up at night when I am in my place getting ready for bed and I am all by myself. He is standing there in the dark, standing in my room, pointing at me with a gun.

Then I see him, he sees me and I am there naked in the dark, with him across the room holding the gun. The fear and excitement running through my veins. I am nervous and horny at the same time. He is enjoying it”.


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