Chapter 96. Having children may destroy your relationship.

Let´s make something clear: kids alter relationships.

Men, most of them, like to enjoy life without the responsibility. Women in return, marry with the idea of starting a family and have kids because for many women, having kids is a dream come true, starting a family is what we have been taught and in other cases shit just happens. For most women kids become their first love and their love life, their relationship, suffers as a result. One because men do not like to share the attention with screaming little beings that they will need to care for and support for at least 18 years, small beings that they don´t know and that enter their house to offer sleep deprivation, diapers, bottles, expenses, more in law time and endless weekends at home. No fun. Two because sex becomes less feasible when the kids are in the house. There are of course other instances in which the father becomes in love/obsessed with their offspring. In these cases the woman will get pissed off, depressed, jealous and resentful, that also kills the relationship.

Who likes to add responsibility and more pressure to adult life in these times where job and financial stability are as flaky as an onion? Who likes to wake up naked after a night of passion and lust and see a small walking baby with a pacifier enter the room and crawl into your bed, the bed where you just had sex? Nobody. Besides, women when they become moms will be so preoccupied about the kids that they will not appear as sexy as before not to mention relaxed or done up. They will be one thing instead: exhausted.

Many men affirm not to feel attracted to their partners after they give birth. How can you be attracted to someone that carried and expelled a baby out their vagina in front of you? Do you love that woman? Yes. Do you find her misterious, sexy, dirty in bed as before? Not really. After your child calls your once sex partner mom repeatidly in the middle of the night sex appeal kind of goes away, not to mention the breatfeeding part.

I have been married twice and twice I had kids wiht my respective husbands. We love our kids to death but the kids in both cases, ruined the marriage and the relationship. After that I had a serious boyfriend whom I thought to marry and one again, the kids, the pressure that kids and their education brought to the table killed the relationship. Because let´s make another thing clear: if it is hard with your kids it is even harder with someone else´s.

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Chapter 88. Toxic Love

My friend is in pain. She does not sleep, she does not eat, she does not enjoy anything whatsoever. Watching her being this way is utterly worry some. I called her and asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink, by the time I stopped by her place (9 PM) she was passed out on the floor.

She does not want to talk about it anymore, she won’t talk about anything else but him. Why he changed, why he lied, why he is doing what he is doing now.

We have been watching our friend for a few months now. She started to date this man a while back, a typical crocodile, and even though the guy seemed really into her and in love, for the past months if not more, she has been suffering. A lot.

My friend used to be a riot, she was always raising up the bar and creating amazing things, fun, easy to talk to, ready for life and with this great ability to make days special.

Then, one day, she had a strike of bad luck, you know, like the cigarretes but the opposite, really bad luck. Everything started to go down the shoot with her relationship, but the situation was so unusual that she could not assess it easily. She became more and more bitter, obsessive and above all, anxious. Who walks around in the morning with a bottle of water filled with vodka?

She did.

She met this guy at a Bahamas singles-only resort, they hooked up, and before she knew it, this guy took over her entire universe. Sometimes I wondered if being bit by a small shark wouldn’t have been a better option.

He sold her a dream life, gave her everything quickly, made her feel like a queen, he was attentive, considerate, loving, capable of ruling the world, so her time, her body and her mind were easy to control too. All of this love coat and amazing red carpet treatment happened only at first. Then he changed, at first a little, then a lot, then there was nothing left of that wonderful man that once opened the door to the best places and did not look at his phone during dinner. My friend started to drink more, changed her lifestyle, her hair color, and started to act like someone new. A person that none of us knew because she was indeed sweet and corky before.

What seemed like a fairy tale, soon became bumpy, yes, a really really bumpy road, the guy was talking about marriage and having a family and made plans for the future yes, but at the same he was pulling away, pulling away from her arms, from her heart, abandoning the relationship while in it, finding a million things to do before spending time with her and making her feel loved like before.

Everything became a bad dream, not only for my friend, but for everyone be else involved. The guy became flaky, his word was no longer trustworthy so my friend became more and more anxious, more demanding, more dependent on what this guy did or did not do, wanted said or thought. All of this while pretending that things were as good as they were at first. She was sad, insecure for the first time ever, but the worst part is that she couldn’t say why because she was fed just enough love to survive on it. She also needed him, she was alone. This guy was by all means, a true emotional terrorist.

What a horrible feeling that is, when you sense that the man of your dreams has stopped loving you, treats you differently and you would rather do anything than to admit it and act on it, whether that is vodka, pills, or doing crazy stupid things to get his attention and love back. It has happened to me too so I can totally relate.

The problem is that crocodiles are crocodiles, they go back to their pond, to get messy, muddy, to be crocodiles, to hang out with their buddies and look for new preys and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that will ever ever change that.

Crocodiles are no pets.

Chapter 85. Perfect letter to your ex

Did you break up with your girlfriend / boyfriend recently and you feel the need to send that one final letter? Here is a letter that works for most of us who have loved and felt deceived by the other person. Feel free to adjust it to change your needs and share your thoughts!

Dear Ex,

I am writing this letter to let you know that despite the current situation I see the light at the end of this tunnel. Your love was cold blooded and harsh therefore I am convinced that in the end, I will gain with this loss. Unfit, insincere, coward and selfish. That is what you are. Not that I blame you, I take full responsibility for it being the case, I let it all happened.

Over the past months I have been able to really get familiar with your true nature. Now I know that you love no one but yourself . I am for once and for all, ready to break strings with the past, you being the past of course.

It will all come naturally. I will live a free life, not dominated by fear or feelings of insecurity. I am a new person now and in many ways, I owe it to you.

Feeling empowered and in control over my life allows me to regain my strength as a as an individual. This being “on my own” or I should say, not with you will have such positive effect in my relationship with myself and with others that I just can’t wait. I will regain the respect of friends and feel great because of it. I will regain my smile, my peace and my positive vibe, which is as you already know, my greatest asset.

I am reminding myself how strong, awesome and fun I really am and how ready I am to live a full life away from your exhausting ways, ways that by the way,  served to no one but you.

It is time for both of us to part ways, to confront our fears. Mine, a life without you, once my love. Yours, a life alone with no one helping you feed your ego.

Sadly and true and ready for what is good

Me.

Chapter 78. You were dumped and you feel more pathetic than Briget Jones in the good old days.

Yes, dumped, rejected, thrown in the garbagge.

It happened only a few days ago, a few months ago, a few years ago and even though you have managed to put yourself somewhat back together, you still surprise yourself crying over a salad bowl, looking at old pictures, spending countless hours reading articles and watching videos about “how to get your ex back” telling the guy at the coffee shop about your past relationship or thinking that talking to a medium and paying a fortune for it is a great idea.

You might think “I am too old for experiencing heartbreak for the first time” but somehow you feel relief for having those feelings. Up until now, you hadn´t really suffered for anybody so you were feeling borderline sociopath, perhaps you hadn´t really loved anybody or perhaps you had never been dumped before. The thruth is that now, you feel and sound like a broken record harassing everyone around you and talking non stop about one single thing: him.

Will he ever come into his senses and call me to say how much he loves me? Did he ever really love me? Will I ever recover from this and most importantly, why did he leave me? We had so much in common! We were so good together! He told me that he loved me!

Your friend can´t take it anymore, your mom can take it anymore, the bus driver can´t take it anymore. In fact, the bus driver´s grandma can´t take it anymore. You are lucky that you´ve still got friends. You are by all means, a headless chicken, a crazy woman, obsessing over and over about a guy that simply did not care enough to stay.

By now, you might or might not be beyond the phase of sending him tons of emails and desperate messages of the sort “hi baby, please think about it, who are you going to be with better than me? “I miss you, can you call me?” All in capital letters and in the middle of the night. Yup, pathetic.

Being dumped is for sure a mutilating experince, but it is also a great opportunity to eat tons of chocolate and try new cocktails.

Or go shopping for new clothes.

Chapter 76. The Rebound

By definition rebound: bouncing back through the air after hitting something hard.

Also: the relationship that a desperate and a fool start right after or during a breakup that is curvy and that in the majority of the cases ends up poorly.

Maybe we don’t want to suffer maybe we want to forget maybe, just maybe, we fall for someone for real but even in the last case the result will be deadly.

We are not ready.

Healing takes time, forgiving and forgetting takes time, and even if by now you realize that you are and always were out your ex’s league, that you are too good of a home made tomato sauce for that frozen lasagna, you will still need time to overcome the breakup.

So the best rebound in this case is yourself, starting a new relationship with yourself. As Oscar Wilde would put it “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”. So look at the stars. You, once too focused on what another person was needing or feeling are now free to roam and live. How exciting.

In the unlikely event that you still love your ex do not worry. That’s ok, keep that love in your heart and be thankful for it, after all, a life without love is a garden with dead flowers in it but above all you are the flower, the prettiest flower of all and there is no choice but to love yourself when everyone else is taken or unwilling. And that means, becoming the best version of yourself, accomplishing the things that you had put second for your now ex partner and feeling the amazing high of living beyond existing.

As Wilde also puts is “to love yourself is the beginning of a life long romance” that will make you bounce back so high in the air that you will have no choice but to fly above the clouds.

Amazing. Unreachable!

Chapter 69. He won’t leave his wife

d) you realize that you are not getting what you need and that you are never going to get it.

I’ve been looking for camouflage panties all over London. I am meeting with my lover next weekend and I like to keep things spicy. He has been planning this amazing trip to Maldives for us, a way to compensate me I reckon.

We have been in a romantic relationship for about 12 years, and for 6 of those years I did not know about the other person existing. By the time I found out it was too late, I was so in love, I simply could not imagine my life without my love. We are so happy together. Not happy like the other couples, no, we truly are happy, enjoy each other and have the same interests in mind. So instead of breaking up with him immediately I asked if that situation could be fixed. He said yes and I chose to believe it but nothing has changed indeed. We are great friends, we get along, we tell each other everything and have the best sex on Earth so I am sure that he loves me. Yet, he won’t leave his wife, he won’t, he simply keeps putting it off.

“After Christmas”

“After Natalie’s First Communion”

“Once the kids are back to school”

“Once the kids are out of the house”

The thing is, that day never comes.

Years have gone by and I am still “the other one”. I want to start a family, it is about time, but because of the messy love situation that I am in, I don’t even dare to. I cry and cry because I am 36, I so want to have a baby and the man I love will never agree to it.

I remember the first day I met my love. It was at the beach, his swimming suit was camouflage patterned and I just remember lifting up my head and seeing him there, standing right in front of me, smoking a cigar. I fell in love.

He was there alone with two kids and another guy with a little girl so I immediately thought “two divorced dads hanging out on vacation”. Soon thereafter my friend came out of the bar and said hello to one of them. Before I knew it, we were all having drinks together. It was such an amazing evening. One of those evenings that you remember forever. Everything seemed to flow perfectly. The drinks, the sunshine, the conversation.

Little did I know about all the suffering that would follow.

I broke up with my love recently. I call him my love because that is exactly what he is. My love.

I was meeting him to see a condominium that we were going to buy together. He never came to the showing, he stood me up. He called one hour later saying that he had been pulled into a conference call and asking if we could re schedule. I was mad but I say ok and I did. He did not come to the second appointment either. I felt embarrassed, the real estate agent gave me this pity look and I saw it clear. This guy was never going to give me what I needed. It reminded me of another occasion one year ago, when he stood me up in an island because one of his daughters wanted him to go to a play with the entire family. I remember the feeling being left alone and spending the night at the hotel room. Sardinia, a natural paradise, turned hell.

“This is enough, I am done”.

I asked him to meet me at our favorite café. I broke up with him. Don’t ask me how I did it, but I did it. I was surprised at my gut, he was surprised at my gut, he asked me not to, he said that he would finally move out of the house and come live with me, but at that point, for some reason, It was already too late, I no longer wanted it.

Men like to play around when married, and many married women like to pretend they don’t know.

Chapter 67. Every Breaking Love. Part 3. The dead flower

c) you break up because you no longer want a life with this person, you want your former life back.

Even though things felt great at first, and being around this person made you feel high, after a while you became tired of this persons’ company and wanted to regain your independence. You felt an urge to break free, do whatever you wanted to do without taking this person into account.

Consider this: you were never in love with this person.

Imagine you see something nice at a store, you want to get it for yourself, you want to possess it. Now imagine the same happens with a person you meet. You discover this person and you like this persons’ energy because of the way it makes you feel, therefore, you want to bring this person into your life at all times, play with this new amazing toy at all times, keep it close to you at all times, for all the good things, amusement and joy that this person brings into your life, you feel loved, sexually attracted to this person, satisfied, happy.

One day, you loose interest. Maybe this person did something that you did not like, maybe you saw something better or something that this person had that you did not want to incorporate into your life. Whatever the reason, you no longer want to play with the toy, you find it boring, unpleasant, annoying, to the point where listening to what this person has to say or how this person is feeling or needing from you also becomes boring. Us? Who said us? Future? Who said future?

You begin to look at your phone screen more than into this person’s eyes, you find excuses to spend less and less time together. You are no longer in love, maybe you never were, and as of late, you blame your partner for everything negative happening in your life, or the world for that matter. You become a jerk to this person until you can take it no more and you abandon this person and act like this person never existed. You escape.

A friend of mine explained this break up scenario very well. Say you like a flower, you cut it and take it home, you admire it, you put it in a nice expensive vase filled with water because that is what flowers need right? The flower makes your living room look great so you put it in a prominent place. Everyone can see it. Have you seen my flower? Isn’t it nice?

With time, the flower begins to loose color, the water turns blurry, the leaves fall and you find yourself picking up the leaves from the living room floor which becomes annoying. Now you have moved the flower somewhere else because it’s not looking so great anymore. You forget to change the water because you are too busy doing other things. The flower is no longer the center of your attention or your living room for that matter.

After a while there is this unpleasant smell, gosh! Does that flower stink! I can’t look at it any more, I better throw it away.

Done! Now my living room looks normal again! Thank God. And you never think back about the once pretty flower. It’s gone, and while you enjoyed it for a while, you are glad that is gone.

The thing is, when you love, when you truly love, you don’t take the flower home, you leave it exactly where it is. Instead you live your life a little for that flower, you care about the flower so you go and water it and admire it each day, making sure that it grows. You talk to the flower, sing to the flower, share your deep feelings with the flower. You are in love.

Too often, while your feelings for the other person (the flower) were merely self centered, the other person was feeling something very sincere, true love. Your ex partner may have envisioned this being the love story of a lifetime, so when you break up with this person and feel free like a bird, glad, relieved, happy, the other person will feel the world collapsing, pushed at the edge of a cliff or dumped in the garbage. Then two things always happen:

You: you avoid this person, you’ve moved on right? And even though deep down you know that you have acted like a total jerk, you think that your decision was more than justified, after all, it was always about you and your happiness and if the flower is not looking great is not your fault. You are not happy and you deserve to be happy. Period.

The other person: Experiences a moment where vértigo takes over the entire human body, followed by a soft wind blowing from the north that will be strong enough to push the body forward and cause it to free fall until it hits the floor, then the crash, the pain, the physical and emotional pain, the despair, and in many cases, the state of depression, which can last for many days or even months. How could this happen? I was the favorite flower! What did I do? Some might event conclude: Oh, I guess it was my fault, I was starting to look ugly.

Secondly comes the fear, the anger, the need for survival, the anguish, the fear, the need to contact the person that was going to be the perfect life partner (careful, this is the phase where most human beings make the most common mistakes like obsessing, stalking, calling and emailing no stop looking for answers). Self worth is questioned, self esteem is low and sadness reigns.

Last but not least, the energy phase, the boost, the “I have to do something” an extremely high level of energy running through the veins, an overwhelming feeling that in many cases and over the course of history has caused major changes in humanity and has led to amazing creative processes (songs, paintings, companies, monuments). Things like the Taj Majal came into this world during this phase.

Because loving and letting go of love is what really moves the world so the person that loved for real always wins and the person that doesn’t know how to love always looses.

Chapter 61. Sociopathic Love

A sociopath man is incapable of loving. Watch out for a sudden lack of empathy, remorse, shame or guilt and manipulative games that can dragged any woman into illness, psicological and physical. All of a sudden, a sociopath might seem bored around you, ready to humiliate, ignore you with his actions and hurt you with his words.

Many people men or women find themselves married to a nacissistic sociopath. A person with an ongoing disregard for the rights or needs of others.

Below is a list of what constitutes sociopath behavior in a man engaged in a romantic relationship:

  • they are extremely charming at first
  • they promise the moon, they know how to make a woman feel special
  • they are extremely generous at first and will make you a part of everything
  • because they cater to themselves first, they are usually successful and wealthy
  • they are very impulsive
  • they have high IQ (some of them do anyways)
  • they might have had a difficult childhood or parental relationship
  • they might have been arrested
  • they rationalize the pain they inflict in others
  • they are unable to feel remorse or guilt
  • they can be promiscuous and act normal the next day
  • they have a grandiose sense of self
  • they think that they can rule the world
  • they do not have many friends, they might have a “bitch” easy-to control best friend
  • they have the ability to remain calm under pressure
  • they have micro expressions of anger
  • they are easily ofended
  • they are prone to drama
  • they can turn their emotions on and off
  • they use intense contact with their victim to manipulate
  • they stay away from other sociopaths
  • they know what they are

So, if you find yourself exhausted, analizing a situation over and over where you think you did nothing wrong but somehow you are the one to blame, if you are always catering and “doing favors” to your boyfriend, if he gets mad all the time and defensive when he is at fault, if you are trying and trying to show love and get nothing back, if your knee hurts and he doesn´t care but when he is sick you are always there and takes it for granted, if he went from making you the center of his attention to hardly spending time with you, if you think he lies, if you think he cheats, if somehow you find out about those things and he tries to justify saying that “you leave him no choice but to be that way” you are dating a sociopath.

It is very difficult to get out, it is very painful to let go. You want the charming person back, you want the man that loved you back.

He does not exist.

I am turning off my phone tomorrow in case a sociopath calls me and tells me that I am after all, the woman of his life and that he will always be there for me.

Chapter 60. When you ditch a guy

You have been nice to your friend for a long time. He likes you, it is obvious that he does, but you are simply not into him. You wish that you were, but you aren´t. Period.

Well, this is a very common situation and women have a harder time dealing with it than men. Why? Because we are more sensitive and more empathetic than men.

When a man doesn’t like a girl he simply does not pay any attention to her, he will spend time with his friends, ask her to loose some weight, he will tell her wrong in everything that she does and he will simply not feel bad about not answering whatsapps, calls or emails. Guys are good at that.

Women aren’t.

Because we are raised to care about others, we care about other people´s feelings also. Thus, we find it a lot harder to tell someone off, to ditch someone to say to a friend that we are NOT interested in a romantic relationship. So we make up excuses and kick the tin far along the road to see if the guys simply gets tired, meets somebody else or gives up. The catchy thing is that women like the attention let´s be honest, who doesn’t like having somebody interested in them? Somebody who thinks so highly of you and who thinks that you are the awesomest woman on hearth?

But this scenario is not fair to the guy so let´s give a few tips to ditch a guy for once and for all when nothing else works. Most of these tips are things that men do all the time and listen, if it works for them it is worth a try!

  1. talk about other guys, a lot, and post pictures
  2. be a horrible texter (misspelled words, extra spaces, show you don’t care)
  3. be vulgar in your vocabulary and manners
  4. give him the cold shoulder
  5. talk over him
  6. ignore his requests
  7. be less attractive
  8. be a sloppy drunk
  9. forget his birthday
  10. block him

That should do it!

What happens next? He will be offended, disappointed, he will be mean to you, he will exhibit all the negative aspects of his personality and you will be able to see what could have taken you years to discover.

The difference is that, soon after you implement these tips, you will see the guy´s true colors because when a man feels rejected, specially if you are ditching him for another man, the cute talk is replaced by the rude talk.

Your gain.

If despite your efforts, he shows concern, wants to understand why you have changed your behavior and still has feelings for you, he might be marriage material.