Chapter 60. When you ditch a guy

You have been nice to your friend for a long time. He likes you, it is obvious that he does, but you are simply not into him. You wish that you were, but you aren´t. Period.

Well, this is a very common situation and women have a harder time dealing with it than men. Why? Because we are more sensitive and more empathetic than men.

When a man doesn’t like a girl he simply does not pay any attention to her, he will spend time with his friends, ask her to loose some weight, he will tell her wrong in everything that she does and he will simply not feel bad about not answering whatsapps, calls or emails. Guys are good at that.

Women aren’t.

Because we are raised to care about others, we care about other people´s feelings also. Thus, we find it a lot harder to tell someone off, to ditch someone to say to a friend that we are NOT interested in a romantic relationship. So we make up excuses and kick the tin far along the road to see if the guys simply gets tired, meets somebody else or gives up. The catchy thing is that women like the attention let´s be honest, who doesn’t like having somebody interested in them? Somebody who thinks so highly of you and who thinks that you are the awesomest woman on hearth (he doesn´t know you obviously).

But this scenario is not fair to the guy so let´s give a few tips to ditch a guy for once and for all when nothing else works. Most of these tips are things that men do all the time and listen, if it works for them it is worth a try!

  1. talk about other guys, a lot, and post pictures
  2. be a horrible texter (misspelled words, extra spaces, show you don’t care)
  3. be vulgar in your vocabulary and manners
  4. give him the cold shoulder
  5. talk over him
  6. ignore his requests
  7. be less attractive
  8. be a sloppy drunk
  9. forget his birthday
  10. block him

That should do it!

What happens next? He will be offended, disappointed, he will be mean to you, he will exhibit all the negative aspects of his personality and you will be able to see what could have taken you years to discover.

The difference is that, soon after you implement these tips, you will see the guy´s true colors because when a man feels rejected, specially if you are ditching him for another man, the cute talk is replaced by the rude talk.

Your gain.

If despite your efforts, he shows concern, wants to understand why you have changed your behavior and still has feelings for you, he might be marriage material.

Chapter 59. Last Valentine´s Day

This is a day for lovers they say, for people in love who crave each other or who stick together nevertheless. The rose, the date the chocolate mousse and the usual gift or marriage proposal. Note to all boyfriends: let Valentine´s Day alone, just do the dinner part and leave the marriage proposal for another day, will you?

Proposing on Valentine´s Day is tacky. Let´s name other tacky things that people do when in love: go to Venice, go to Paris, go to Rome, get matching tattoos, eating strawberries and champagne at a hotel room, make love on top of rose petals spread on the bed, get a couple´s massage, feed each other food in front of other people (gross) kiss with tongue at a restaurant after a toast, proposing at a restaurant, pick up your date in a limousine.

There are so many things….I have done them all. Well, except for the tattoos, crocodile and Mrs. Reggaeton did that…what can I do? They are tackier than me.

The thing is. A year ago I was sitting at the kitchen counter with a cigarette and a cup of coffee at the crocodile´s pond and I felt so restless that I opened my laptop and started to write this blog. Hours after the first post “He was so damn perfect that I left him for a crocodile” I had over 350 visits and messages from women all over the world. Who is this crocodile and why have we all had one in our lives?

Crocodile is any men, who has taken a woman for granted.

He is the guy that do not buy you flowers, does not remember your birthday, doesn’t ask how your day was, does not show any interest to meet or spend time with your friends, or you, for that matter. He is the asshole who stands you up at an island when he is supposed to meet you there for a few days, the one that asks for attention when he is sick but does not even lay next to you when you are sick. He always picks up the movie, tells you that you are fat after deliverying his baby and if you have post partum depression, he wakes you up in the middle of the night and calls you a bad mother.

A year ago I was alone on Valentine´s Day, writing this blog.

I did not go out to dinner a year ago, I got a lousy T-shirt and one yellow rose one day later. Crocodile style. The man who managed to hurt me and make me feel inadequate and insignificant even when pretending to be doing the right thing.

This year I will buy myself flowers, lots of them.  I will toast to myself at home with a glass of nice wine named after me and a big smile on because the best is yet to come. Maybe I will be alone, maybe not.

Chapter 38. Online dating

I am in love again, or at least I can say that I am infatuated, happy, excited, all good things.

It all started when I created my Tinder profile a few months ago. A friend of mine had introduced me to this app while on vacation so I knew that it was tested and trusted by people in my circle. She was very used to using it indeed and knew how to tell the good matches from the bad matches. I on the other hand, did not have her high standards and criteria. After the crocodile, they all look good to me!

So, upon returning from Greece I started to think about a good introduction story to upload (I was not going to talk about the two divorces and the two kids upfront right? or should I?) I looked for some decent pictures, they needed to be sassy and interesting, not the typical upclose and full body pictures that most people use. And they needed to reflect the way I look now, not ten years ago…

So I went with a photo that I took skiing this year and a picture that my 6 year old took of me while I was waiting for him to get dressed at home one morning. He started to play with the camera and caught me by surprise. I suppose I picked them because in those two pictures I show two important parts of me: that I love to travel and sports and that I can sit and wait patiently around the house with my children if need be while looking natural (no make up) and real. But I was missing one, the sassy one, and since this online dating app was well known for helping singles get laid, I decided to look on the Internet for a nice picture of someone’s rear on jeans and pretended it to be me. I found the perfect picture and I included it in the portfolio. Just for kicks.

The day I uploaded the complete profile I had so many likes on it that I had trouble managing the account. Most guys made a comment on the third picture, only a few liked the first and none liked the second. Oh well…

Amongst the guys that liked my ski shoot was Mark, a really attractive guy that reminded me of Ewan Mc Gregor.

We started to chat on Tinder and he said: “I love the way that you make the snow look”. I said thanks and waited for him to make a comment on the third picture. If he was really worthwhile he would say something about it, after all, that pic was there as the tricky one…the honesty test. So I waited a few second seconds. Then his text hit my screen “The other shots are quite nice also ;)”.

Okay, he had prequalified.

We continued to chat for a few weeks until one day he suggested going on a trip together to meet in person. At that point, I mentioned my two kids and he did not seem to be bothered at all. Minutes after I had mentioned my family status and restraints he had booked a plane ticket to Santa Barbara.

Mark is from Wisconsin, a really flat state located in the Midwest. Midwesterns are known for being kind and family oriented like me so I really had my hopes up for this guy. Besides, he had moved to San Diego recently and did not know a lot of people so that would also mean that we could have more time to ourselves without prior commitments and relationships getting in the way.

After my experience with the crocodile, I was conviced that couples are able to flourish better when they are far from close relatives. And that seemed to be the case with Mark. He was divorced himself, after ten years married to a Spaniard. No kids.

All my judgemental attitude towards online dating services and telephone applications dissapeared the minute I saw Mark getting out of the airport cab. He was taller than Crocodile, well, that was easy since Crocodile is only 5.9″. Mark seemed well built, stylish, he had a European thing going because his clothes did not look very American. A guy like that in America is rare, most American guys in their late thirties still keep their college clothes and what is worse, use them. If they look too kept or fashion conscious they risk to be taken for gay.

But Mark looked like a true heterosexual fashion forward man, and he smelled good too!

God had responded to my prayers.

Chapter 16. Back on the market

What happens to women when they are back on the market after many years married? How do you go from being Mrs. to being Ms. again? For guys is no problem at all. The day they walk out the door if not earlier they are ready to mess around with someone new. They move by instinct. For most women however is more of a process unless the woman was already infatuated by someone else.

Let’s say that by the time you end your marriage or long time relationship there is no other man in the horizon. It is likely that after a few months, your close friends (married or single) will start setting up dates for you to meet other people. That is typically fine because the meeting happens in a very controlled scenario. Normally your friends make a plan that facilitates the encounter and everything flows naturally. If after the first shared evening you think that the guy is cute enough you let your friend(s) know and they arrange for another plan that allows you to see the person again. You can do that until you determine whether or not the the other person is worth or really interested on a one-on-one date with you.

But there are other situations that arise that are much trickier for a lady who is not used to the dating scene, specially for nice polite women unaware of the unwritten rules of dating who are unprepared to deal with those male acquaintances that had been interested in them from a distance and now feel entitled to an opportunity. This type of guys will think that it is now ok for them to call you on your mobile phone in the middle of the day to “check on you” to offer you their support during these difficult times and to tell you that you can count on them for whatever you need when what they want in fact, is to get in your panties fast. You don’t know it yet but for them, you have the word AVAILABLE written all over your face.

Soon after I broke up with crocodile my entire town knew about it. Naturally, after a crocodile relationship two things can happen: either you seclude yourself at home with your children and feel that dating is inappropriate for you for the moment, or you hit the dance floor and start dating everything that moves like a headless chicken that doesn’t know where it’s going. Guys know this and most of them think that after a break up you will be in the second group.

Beware of the dog.