Chapter 95. Love the artist

I always knew that my third husband would be an artist.

I have done the foreigner, the business man, it’s time for an artist.

Artists have always fascinated me. Their ongoing suffering, preoccupation, fear, anxiety and nostalgia are common to me. Artists are like any other men but more honest. They will tell you things like “I am good for nobody” or “I can’t belong to you” or “I want to die” or ” I am not interested in a relationship because I hate human kind” and it´s true, we always hurt each other along the way…

Statements like this will set the bar low and prepare the ground for what is coming: just life, mere existence shaped in moments and shared ephemerally with some artist that feels ten times more, sees ten times more, suffers ten times more. Someone that announces to be selfish and harmful from day one. I´ll buy it, who wouldn’t? Finally the truth.

Artists are special beings indeed, to be preserved, loved and nurtured. To be understood, supported and most importantly: inspired. Only one kind of woman can be with or be loved by an artist: a muse, a woman strong enough to inspire durinf the artist´s creation / destruction process of each day, a woman that is above the mediocrities of human kind. A woman capable of playing the part and put up with the drama for a period of time regardless of its duration, a period during which the artist will feel alive, will breath fresh air, will find hope and energy to do what they do best: art.

Art in whatever form it is it’s an expression of the soul and the soul of an artist should be preserved and fed, perceived as the most expensive jewel in a jewelry store since it communicates the common feelings of a whole society at a given time.

Frida, Gala, Alfonsina, Rosalía, Isabel and thousands of others are nodding at this.

Advertisements

Chapter 88. Toxic Love

My friend is in pain. She does not sleep, she does not eat, she does not enjoy anything whatsoever. Watching her being this way is utterly worry some. I called her and asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink, by the time I stopped by her place (9 PM) she was passed out on the floor.

She does not want to talk about it anymore, she won’t talk about anything else but him. Why he changed, why he lied, why he is doing what he is doing now.

We have been watching our friend for a few months now. She started to date this man a while back, a typical crocodile, and even though the guy seemed really into her and in love, for the past months if not more, she has been suffering. A lot.

My friend used to be a riot, she was always raising up the bar and creating amazing things, fun, easy to talk to, ready for life and with this great ability to make days special.

Then, one day, she had a strike of bad luck, you know, like the cigarretes but the opposite, really bad luck. Everything started to go down the shoot with her relationship, but the situation was so unusual that she could not assess it easily. She became more and more bitter, obsessive and above all, anxious. Who walks around in the morning with a bottle of water filled with vodka?

She did.

She met this guy at a Bahamas singles-only resort, they hooked up, and before she knew it, this guy took over her entire universe. Sometimes I wondered if being bit by a small shark wouldn’t have been a better option.

He sold her a dream life, gave her everything quickly, made her feel like a queen, he was attentive, considerate, loving, capable of ruling the world, so her time, her body and her mind were easy to control too. All of this love coat and amazing red carpet treatment happened only at first. Then he changed, at first a little, then a lot, then there was nothing left of that wonderful man that once opened the door to the best places and did not look at his phone during dinner. My friend started to drink more, changed her lifestyle, her hair color, and started to act like someone new. A person that none of us knew because she was indeed sweet and corky before.

What seemed like a fairy tale, soon became bumpy, yes, a really really bumpy road, the guy was talking about marriage and having a family and made plans for the future yes, but at the same he was pulling away, pulling away from her arms, from her heart, abandoning the relationship while in it, finding a million things to do before spending time with her and making her feel loved like before.

Everything became a bad dream, not only for my friend, but for everyone be else involved. The guy became flaky, his word was no longer trustworthy so my friend became more and more anxious, more demanding, more dependent on what this guy did or did not do, wanted said or thought. All of this while pretending that things were as good as they were at first. She was sad, insecure for the first time ever, but the worst part is that she couldn’t say why because she was fed just enough love to survive on it. She also needed him, she was alone. This guy was by all means, a true emotional terrorist.

What a horrible feeling that is, when you sense that the man of your dreams has stopped loving you, treats you differently and you would rather do anything than to admit it and act on it, whether that is vodka, pills, or doing crazy stupid things to get his attention and love back. It has happened to me too so I can totally relate.

The problem is that crocodiles are crocodiles, they go back to their pond, to get messy, muddy, to be crocodiles, to hang out with their buddies and look for new preys and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that will ever ever change that.

Crocodiles are no pets.

Chapter 86. That magic time right before the first date

That wonderful time when you have met someone, you have established contact using some lame excuse and you both feel like something amazing is about to happen.

You don’t know this person yet, you are cordial and somewhat distant in your communication because it is what you are supposed to do when you don’t know someone, but something about this stranger makes you feel like you are already close friends and you want to sound more familiar than you do. Maybe is what lies beneath the lines, a word, the way you end the statement, a small detail on each end and and you both instantly feel it…boom! the magic punch of love prelude.

Before you know it, you are checking each other out on the internet, you are dying in anticipation for that first date. Yes, it was going to be a work meeting, but somewhere along the line turned into a dinner date and now for the fist time, you understand those American movie scenes when someone is super excited about meeting that other someone, a stranger asking another stranger out.

We are going out on a date! We have a date!

Yuhuuuuuuu!!!!!!! We haven’t disappointed each other, that makes it even more fun, we can write on clean slate.

Life is great.

Chapter 85. Perfect letter to your ex

Did you break up with your girlfriend / boyfriend recently and you feel the need to send that one final letter? Here is a letter that works for most of us who have loved and felt deceived by the other person. Feel free to adjust it to change your needs and share your thoughts!

Dear Ex,

I am writing this letter to let you know that despite the current situation I see the light at the end of this tunnel. Your love was cold blooded and harsh therefore I am convinced that in the end, I will gain with this loss. Unfit, insincere, coward and selfish. That is what you are. Not that I blame you, I take full responsibility for it being the case, I let it all happened.

Over the past months I have been able to really get familiar with your true nature. Now I know that you love no one but yourself . I am for once and for all, ready to break strings with the past, you being the past of course.

It will all come naturally. I will live a free life, not dominated by fear or feelings of insecurity. I am a new person now and in many ways, I owe it to you.

Feeling empowered and in control over my life allows me to regain my strength as a as an individual. This being “on my own” or I should say, not with you will have such positive effect in my relationship with myself and with others that I just can’t wait. I will regain the respect of friends and feel great because of it. I will regain my smile, my peace and my positive vibe, which is as you already know, my greatest asset.

I am reminding myself how strong, awesome and fun I really am and how ready I am to live a full life away from your exhausting ways, ways that by the way,  served to no one but you.

It is time for both of us to part ways, to confront our fears. Mine, a life without you, once my love. Yours, a life alone with no one helping you feed your ego.

Sadly and true and ready for what is good

Me.

Chapter 73. Those martians

John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars women are from Venus, defines men as martians, beings from another planet. His book is a bestseller worldwide, Why? Because there is some truth to it. Gaining perspective on how the opposite sex thinks and feels is a universal need so no wonder why the book has been translated into 27 languages and continues to be the perfect gift.

The book’s offer is very clear and useful: how to minimize te impact of disagreements between men and women and how to learn to deal with / comprehend your partner.

It appears that men need to feel useful and women need to feel protected somehow. What a perfect combination! So, why are there so many problems that arise along the way? Simply because men and women see and deal with life differently.

When a woman has a problem she talks to other women about it. When a man has a problem, he distances himself from the woman, by doing so, the woman becomes angry and upset, feels abandoned, dissapointed and hence, acts the part. Men sense it and think “great, now I have another problem”, instead of being understanding, she is adding to my already complicated situation. What does the man do next? He pulls even further away.

Crisis.

She thinks: “He is not the same” “He only wants to spend time at work or with his friends” “He wont talk to me about his problems” and a long etc.

He thinks: “I can´t deal with this woman she is so difficult, she has no idea of what I am going through, if she did, she would be more understanding. I don´t need to talk about the problem, I need to solve it! and since I am a man I don´t want her help or her support now. Can she just simply leave me alone and let me deal with it my way?”

No. We want to talk about it, like women do, we want to feel included and above all, we want our martian to pay attention to us and be loving to us. Don´t do it and you are in hell. We are in hell. Everyone is in hell.

The author talks about the cave that man go into when faced with problematic situations and it´s so true. Women meet up for coffee and talk about their problems and men distance themselves and go back to the cave. I used to have a boyfriend that did exactly that, not only when he was overwhelmed but when he was sick too. He would not come out until he was feelling better or the problem was solved. By him. Alone.

The problem is that women along the way feel abandoned and upset, they demand attention, start acting differently and pass constant messages of discomfort and unhappiness. This only agravates the situation because there is only one frustration bigger from a martian than all the problems in the world and that is:

Not being able to make their woman happy.

So they leave.

 

Chapter 72. No caller ID

So he calls you from a hidden number? That guy is an idiot. People did that a while ago when iPhones came out and we discovered the no caller ID option but who does that these days? Right, only the government.

One thing is for guys to believe that they can have any woman they want and get “a la carte” casual sex, another thing is for guys to start playing hard to get when a woman is simply being friendly or trying to get to known them or simply reaching out to say “hi, would you like a cup of coffee?”

He might think “oh, I am not going to give her my number in case she is some kind of Psycho and gets obsessed with me” or “I better call her from a hidden number that way I decide when I want to talk to her but she has no way to contact me” or “I will use the no caller ID so she does not start to send me WhatsApps, that would increase the chances of my girlfriend finding out”

WTF?

Are we woman perceived as crazy and out of control these days? Do all those commercials introducing vitamins and PMS pills have anything to do with it? Or is this a collateral effect of the tv show Sex and the City? Since when guys feel like the have to take precautionary measures towards women?

I could not believe what I was hearing.

Guys on Tinder not sharing their numbers or sending preliminary personality questions to women to see if they “pass the test”? What are men these days? The prize?

Chapter 69. He won’t leave his wife

d) you realize that you are not getting what you need and that you are never going to get it.

I’ve been looking for camouflage panties all over London. I am meeting with my lover next weekend and I like to keep things spicy. He has been planning this amazing trip to Maldives for us, a way to compensate me I reckon.

We have been in a romantic relationship for about 12 years, and for 6 of those years I did not know about the other person existing. By the time I found out it was too late, I was so in love, I simply could not imagine my life without my love. We are so happy together. Not happy like the other couples, no, we truly are happy, enjoy each other and have the same interests in mind. So instead of breaking up with him immediately I asked if that situation could be fixed. He said yes and I chose to believe it but nothing has changed indeed. We are great friends, we get along, we tell each other everything and have the best sex on Earth so I am sure that he loves me. Yet, he won’t leave his wife, he won’t, he simply keeps putting it off.

“After Christmas”

“After Natalie’s First Communion”

“Once the kids are back to school”

“Once the kids are out of the house”

The thing is, that day never comes.

Years have gone by and I am still “the other one”. I want to start a family, it is about time, but because of the messy love situation that I am in, I don’t even dare to. I cry and cry because I am 36, I so want to have a baby and the man I love will never agree to it.

I remember the first day I met my love. It was at the beach, his swimming suit was camouflage patterned and I just remember lifting up my head and seeing him there, standing right in front of me, smoking a cigar. I fell in love.

He was there alone with two kids and another guy with a little girl so I immediately thought “two divorced dads hanging out on vacation”. Soon thereafter my friend came out of the bar and said hello to one of them. Before I knew it, we were all having drinks together. It was such an amazing evening. One of those evenings that you remember forever. Everything seemed to flow perfectly. The drinks, the sunshine, the conversation.

Little did I know about all the suffering that would follow.

I broke up with my love recently. I call him my love because that is exactly what he is. My love.

I was meeting him to see a condominium that we were going to buy together. He never came to the showing, he stood me up. He called one hour later saying that he had been pulled into a conference call and asking if we could re schedule. I was mad but I say ok and I did. He did not come to the second appointment either. I felt embarrassed, the real estate agent gave me this pity look and I saw it clear. This guy was never going to give me what I needed. It reminded me of another occasion one year ago, when he stood me up in an island because one of his daughters wanted him to go to a play with the entire family. I remember the feeling being left alone and spending the night at the hotel room. Sardinia, a natural paradise, turned hell.

“This is enough, I am done”.

I asked him to meet me at our favorite café. I broke up with him. Don’t ask me how I did it, but I did it. I was surprised at my gut, he was surprised at my gut, he asked me not to, he said that he would finally move out of the house and come live with me, but at that point, for some reason, It was already too late, I no longer wanted it.

Men like to play around when married, and many married women like to pretend they don’t know.

Chapter 68. The big butt

Loving a guy with a big ugly butt is an unpleasant thing, it deprives us from the moment that all women love the most, that is: admiring a good rear from the bed after a sexual encounter or some other perks that come without saying.

If you have ever entered the big saggy butt garden you know what I mean. You think, he’s got pretty eyes, he is a nice guy, he is a hard worker and goes out of his way to make me happy, he is intelligent, he brings me the stars and the moon, but his butt… I prefer not to look at it.

The same goes with men’s prominent stomachs but I guess that bellies are more bearable than ugly butts. If it looks like that now, what is going to look like when he is old? You better don’t find out. Let another woman deal with it! Ditch him.

Should you find yourself in the bad scenario of loving a guy with an ugly butt do not panic. Love is blind and worst things can happen. Providence might help you and make that guy leave you instead but keep in mind that just like after a tropical storm comes the sunshine, after a saggy butt comes a firm one, a really perfect firm one. You will find yourself admiring it, over and over and over again.

The simple pleasures of life!

P.s: yes, there is only one thing worse than an ugly butt…

Chapter 67. Every Breaking Love. Part 3. The dead flower

c) you break up because you no longer want a life with this person, you want your former life back.

Even though things felt great at first, and being around this person made you feel high, after a while you became tired of this persons’ company and wanted to regain your independence. You felt an urge to break free, do whatever you wanted to do without taking this person into account.

Consider this: you were never in love with this person.

Imagine you see something nice at a store, you want to get it for yourself, you want to possess it. Now imagine the same happens with a person you meet. You discover this person and you like this persons’ energy because of the way it makes you feel, therefore, you want to bring this person into your life at all times, play with this new amazing toy at all times, keep it close to you at all times, for all the good things, amusement and joy that this person brings into your life, you feel loved, sexually attracted to this person, satisfied, happy.

One day, you loose interest. Maybe this person did something that you did not like, maybe you saw something better or something that this person had that you did not want to incorporate into your life. Whatever the reason, you no longer want to play with the toy, you find it boring, unpleasant, annoying, to the point where listening to what this person has to say or how this person is feeling or needing from you also becomes boring. Us? Who said us? Future? Who said future?

You begin to look at your phone screen more than into this person’s eyes, you find excuses to spend less and less time together. You are no longer in love, maybe you never were, and as of late, you blame your partner for everything negative happening in your life, or the world for that matter. You become a jerk to this person until you can take it no more and you abandon this person and act like this person never existed. You escape.

A friend of mine explained this break up scenario very well. Say you like a flower, you cut it and take it home, you admire it, you put it in a nice expensive vase filled with water because that is what flowers need right? The flower makes your living room look great so you put it in a prominent place. Everyone can see it. Have you seen my flower? Isn’t it nice?

With time, the flower begins to loose color, the water turns blurry, the leaves fall and you find yourself picking up the leaves from the living room floor which becomes annoying. Now you have moved the flower somewhere else because it’s not looking so great anymore. You forget to change the water because you are too busy doing other things. The flower is no longer the center of your attention or your living room for that matter.

After a while there is this unpleasant smell, gosh! Does that flower stink! I can’t look at it any more, I better throw it away.

Done! Now my living room looks normal again! Thank God. And you never think back about the once pretty flower. It’s gone, and while you enjoyed it for a while, you are glad that is gone.

The thing is, when you love, when you truly love, you don’t take the flower home, you leave it exactly where it is. Instead you live your life a little for that flower, you care about the flower so you go and water it and admire it each day, making sure that it grows. You talk to the flower, sing to the flower, share your deep feelings with the flower. You are in love.

Too often, while your feelings for the other person (the flower) were merely self centered, the other person was feeling something very sincere, true love. Your ex partner may have envisioned this being the love story of a lifetime, so when you break up with this person and feel free like a bird, glad, relieved, happy, the other person will feel the world collapsing, pushed at the edge of a cliff or dumped in the garbage. Then two things always happen:

You: you avoid this person, you’ve moved on right? And even though deep down you know that you have acted like a total jerk, you think that your decision was more than justified, after all, it was always about you and your happiness and if the flower is not looking great is not your fault. You are not happy and you deserve to be happy. Period.

The other person: Experiences a moment where vértigo takes over the entire human body, followed by a soft wind blowing from the north that will be strong enough to push the body forward and cause it to free fall until it hits the floor, then the crash, the pain, the physical and emotional pain, the despair, and in many cases, the state of depression, which can last for many days or even months. How could this happen? I was the favorite flower! What did I do? Some might event conclude: Oh, I guess it was my fault, I was starting to look ugly.

Secondly comes the fear, the anger, the need for survival, the anguish, the fear, the need to contact the person that was going to be the perfect life partner (careful, this is the phase where most human beings make the most common mistakes like obsessing, stalking, calling and emailing no stop looking for answers). Self worth is questioned, self esteem is low and sadness reigns.

Last but not least, the energy phase, the boost, the “I have to do something” an extremely high level of energy running through the veins, an overwhelming feeling that in many cases and over the course of history has caused major changes in humanity and has led to amazing creative processes (songs, paintings, companies, monuments). Things like the Taj Majal came into this world during this phase.

Because loving and letting go of love is what really moves the world so the person that loved for real always wins and the person that doesn’t know how to love always looses.

Chapter 60. When you ditch a guy

You have been nice to your friend for a long time. He likes you, it is obvious that he does, but you are simply not into him. You wish that you were, but you aren´t. Period.

Well, this is a very common situation and women have a harder time dealing with it than men. Why? Because we are more sensitive and more empathetic than men.

When a man doesn’t like a girl he simply does not pay any attention to her, he will spend time with his friends, ask her to loose some weight, he will tell her wrong in everything that she does and he will simply not feel bad about not answering whatsapps, calls or emails. Guys are good at that.

Women aren’t.

Because we are raised to care about others, we care about other people´s feelings also. Thus, we find it a lot harder to tell someone off, to ditch someone to say to a friend that we are NOT interested in a romantic relationship. So we make up excuses and kick the tin far along the road to see if the guys simply gets tired, meets somebody else or gives up. The catchy thing is that women like the attention let´s be honest, who doesn’t like having somebody interested in them? Somebody who thinks so highly of you and who thinks that you are the awesomest woman on hearth?

But this scenario is not fair to the guy so let´s give a few tips to ditch a guy for once and for all when nothing else works. Most of these tips are things that men do all the time and listen, if it works for them it is worth a try!

  1. talk about other guys, a lot, and post pictures
  2. be a horrible texter (misspelled words, extra spaces, show you don’t care)
  3. be vulgar in your vocabulary and manners
  4. give him the cold shoulder
  5. talk over him
  6. ignore his requests
  7. be less attractive
  8. be a sloppy drunk
  9. forget his birthday
  10. block him

That should do it!

What happens next? He will be offended, disappointed, he will be mean to you, he will exhibit all the negative aspects of his personality and you will be able to see what could have taken you years to discover.

The difference is that, soon after you implement these tips, you will see the guy´s true colors because when a man feels rejected, specially if you are ditching him for another man, the cute talk is replaced by the rude talk.

Your gain.

If despite your efforts, he shows concern, wants to understand why you have changed your behavior and still has feelings for you, he might be marriage material.