Chapter 54. I drove 800 miles to find out he had a girlfriend

I was once told that you should not fall for your roommate or neighbour because if things don’t  work out, you are stuck with a ton of ackward moments to follow. So I secretly fell in love with my next door neighbour and did not show my feelings for him for approximately two years. Then he moved to the South and I said “what the heck! I’m going down to tell him!” I drove 800 miles and when I got there (with my trunk packed with things that his mother had given me for him to eat) I found out that he already had a girlfriend.

My now ex neighbour used to live with his mother. Yes he is past 30 but I never saw him as an unaccomplished man, mostly because he is an actor and actors may spend their entire life waiting for their break.

As most actors, he is moody, particular, self centered and depressive but when he is high about a gig he can be very pleasant.

When I got to his place (with a back up friend) I found out that he wasn’t acting but rather he had found a job as a waiter. He immediately and casually told my friend (not me) about his new relationship status. The lucky girl, a 24 year old college student, was out of town so I told my self “you are a 37 year old woman Rachel, you can seduce him” but certain guys (this one in particular) are not cool around independent strong women, they prefer younger girls that they can still impress somehow and that help them feed their otherwise damaged ego.

So by the time I had paid for the third round of beer I conviced myself that a good friendship was sufficient and I started to play it cool around the increasing amount of people that seemed to hang out with us all the time.

Do you know that feeling of just waiting for a moment with someone and that moment never happening for one reason or another? That is how I felt. It was as if the universe prevented that moment from happening.

Until the last night.

I was packing my things at my hotel when suddenly I got a message that became a conversation:

– when are you leaving?

– tomorrow

– no way!

– yes, I am going back home where I can get more attention from men 😉

– you may get more but not better

– you have a girlfriend

– yes, but I want to tear off your panties

– blah blah, you had your chance, besides, I am not wearing any right now…

– 😰 please come over

– No. I’ll say hello to your mom from you, how is that?


Chapter 51. Men want to be the crocodile

Catering to a woman’s needs and falling for a woman leads to having in laws, screaming children, reduced budgets and less time to play in the pond with other male crocodiles. As a result, men admire the crocodile and want his lifestyle.

Those who find themselves already in the rat race, meaning, those who are already married with children and with a used up relationship that only leads to sexual encounters once a week (if they are lucky) but don’t have the guts or the financial means to go “solo”, find hobbies or excuses to get a taste of the crocodile’s lifestyle when in fact, they would want to be like him. They would prefer to be him and say “screw this, tell me how much you want for child support, I’m outta here” and leave running straight back to their pond.

Why? Because being the crocodile rules. He gets to decide when and where to play paddle with his friends, he goes out during the week, plays soccer, plays cards, he owes no explanations to no one and he has cash to spend on whatever he wants, sports equipment, new expensive clothes…it is his money so why would he need to feel bad about spending more on himself, right? He is in his forties and has this urgent need to feel young while he can and burn life. As long as he is diligent with child support no woman will ever nag at him about something he does. Ever.

My friend thinks is ok to be unfaithful as long as he doesn’t get caught. “I like being married, in fact, I need to be married, it gives me stability. I love my wife and children, but I won’t stop doing what I do” Crocodile.

He is not the only man that admires other crocodiles that are more alpha than him, like that single American guy that landed recently in Ibiza with a plane full of models to pack his boat party and demonstrate his ubber crocodile lifestyle.

“That guy really knows how to do it” My friend says. And you know what? Most men secretly agree.

“Women are inferior to men, the only difference is that I have the guts and the means to say it out loud and to live by it” crocodile would say.

Familywise many crocodiles are well off too because as a result of being more or less married to a woman, they gain small children to call their own. Crocodile moms will always make sure to do all the “dirty work” the weekend that their son keeps the children so that babyboy does not have to get up early or cook the kids’lunch or make the kids’ beds or do the kids laundry or all those “women’s duties”. Being the mamas boy that he is, he still gets his socks and underwear from mom because his head would probably explode if he had to figure out his own size…Like the one time he bought me expensive lingerie and when I opened the box I found an older ladies kind of ensemble and a bra that was for my giant sister. Wishful thinking I suppose…

Mom will also be available to mind the kids on Friday and Saturday night so her baby can go out and have fun as a man should. In short, she will make sure to diminish the work that you, as a mother, do all the other days of the month and therefore, ensure that crocodile does not value it.

Great job ladies, great job.

Chapter 26. Crocodilopolis

There was a place in Egypt called “Crocodile City” also known as Crocodilopolis. It was a city of worship of (you guessed it) the Crocodile God. The crocodile was adorned with expensive garments and jewels (so he had the largest part of the walk-in California closet), he had his own pond (that he would willingly share with others in order to scape from loneliness) but in his pond his name was written all over it. Since an early age, the Crocodile God had always had special food made for him by his servant, that had raised him and worshiped him in every possible way making sure that he would grow to become a confident ruler, empowered and entitled to all kinds of attention and favors, which he would of course, expect from servants later on.

He lived by false modesty saying things that were applicable to others, but never to him, he was a God after all. He expected perfection when he was indeed imperfect. He expected generosity when he was indeed selfish. He expected frugality when he was extravagant. He expected patience when he was restless.

Crocodile had it so nice that he never dared to go abroad, perhaps because of the potential inconveniences of discovering alternative political arrangements or worlds. This fact considered, Crocodile City never became a big metropolis. Despite being located in one of the most fertile regions alongside the Nile river, it remained a rather second class city until it was eventually replaced by a more modern urban formation.

The inhabitants of Crocodilopolis paid a particular reverence to their God, not because of his supremacy but because he made them dependent on him under false premises. Their jobs, families and prosperity depended on their obeisance. The Crocodile God was very good at buying favors and keeping his servants under control. Under him, servants could reach a certain status and experience an ephemeral sense of well being, but it was given or taken, never a thing of their own.

During their kingdom, which was passed from fathers to sons, Crocodile Gods recruited and surrounded themselves with the best artisans, minds and thinkers, they needed to be exposed to beauty and brilliance to make up for their own shortcomings.

Thankfully, under the pressure and forces of a stronger new Empire, Crocodilopolis ceased to exist.