Chapter 96. Having children may destroy your relationship.

Let´s make something clear: kids alter relationships.

Men, most of them, like to enjoy life without the responsibility. Women in return, marry with the idea of starting a family and have kids because for many women, having kids is a dream come true, starting a family is what we have been taught and in other cases shit just happens. For most women kids become their first love and their love life, their relationship, suffers as a result. One because men do not like to share the attention with screaming little beings that they will need to care for and support for at least 18 years, small beings that they don´t know and that enter their house to offer sleep deprivation, diapers, bottles, expenses, more in law time and endless weekends at home. No fun. Two because sex becomes less feasible when the kids are in the house. There are of course other instances in which the father becomes in love/obsessed with their offspring. In these cases the woman will get pissed off, depressed, jealous and resentful, that also kills the relationship.

Who likes to add responsibility and more pressure to adult life in these times where job and financial stability are as flaky as an onion? Who likes to wake up naked after a night of passion and lust and see a small walking baby with a pacifier enter the room and crawl into your bed, the bed where you just had sex? Nobody. Besides, women when they become moms will be so preoccupied about the kids that they will not appear as sexy as before not to mention relaxed or done up. They will be one thing instead: exhausted.

Many men affirm not to feel attracted to their partners after they give birth. How can you be attracted to someone that carried and expelled a baby out their vagina in front of you? Do you love that woman? Yes. Do you find her misterious, sexy, dirty in bed as before? Not really. After your child calls your once sex partner mom repeatidly in the middle of the night sex appeal kind of goes away, not to mention the breatfeeding part.

I have been married twice and twice I had kids wiht my respective husbands. We love our kids to death but the kids in both cases, ruined the marriage and the relationship. After that I had a serious boyfriend whom I thought to marry and one again, the kids, the pressure that kids and their education brought to the table killed the relationship. Because let´s make another thing clear: if it is hard with your kids it is even harder with someone else´s.

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Chapter 27. Changing standards

When we were young ladies, let’s say 17, our parents used to tell us to be sensible, to avoid going out with whomever and to wait for the right person to come along. This educational message changes with time, until it becomes absolutely contradictory.

At 37, your mother (who has spent the last 7 years showing increasing anxiety about your relationship status) will set very different standards for you regarding what constitutes a suitable mate. At this point, your fertility is not starting to decline, it’s dropping quickly, and she is well aware of the fact that unless you make a move, you will not become a mother easily and therefore, she won’t become a grandmother either.

Do not be surprised if your mother, your great aunt or your favorite aunt, feel that it is ok to ask you out loud at a family gathering (in front of all of your cousins, their spouses and numerous loud children) if you are ever going to have a baby because “they are so looking forward to see you become a mom, have grandchildren, etc, besides “all of their friends already have grandsons and granddaughters” they say while “they have got nothing to brag about”. At that point, the already embarrassing conversation can become even more so when they go ahead saying things like “You can have it with whomever, nowadays you don’t even need to be serious with the guy, tell him that we will raise the baby if need be, right? [laughter at the table]”.

These sort of awkward moments do happen more often than not. Is it or is it not a contradictory message to a woman who was previously told to have standards? Does she need to forget about them altogether now simply because she is aging?

We must be careful about the messages that we pass to our children because their standards for normality will be based on what we say or do.

Crocodile used to say in front of my six year old “Go help mommy set the table” “Help mommy tidy up your room” “Let’s help mommy with this or that” as if anything that had to do with the house was naturally on my to do list of responsibilities. He would also use a scornful tone of voice whenever he disapproved of something that I would say or do and his tone and manners would only become more derogatory within our own house walls. Very concerning indeed and very bad example for a young boy setting his own standards on how women should be treated. But again, what can you expect from a crocodile raised in Crocodilopolis?

The way that we are educated is the way that we educate our children, unless we make a conscious effort to educate ourselves, set what we have learned to be wrong apart, and make new standards of what constitutes healthy.

Respect, discretion and gender equality would be a good starting point. Parenting and motherhood are a personal choice for men and women alike and setting the table or doing the dishes is no longer mommy’s thing because sharing spaces means sharing responsibilities. How simple is that?

Let bygones be bygones.