Chapter 84. Friends with benefits

I have a friend with benefits. And it’s great.

He and I had been together and it ended up in bad terms. Too much pressure, responsibilities, work, schedules, crying children, financials. What had began like a source of excitement and joy in the early day (the first encounters when we could just not keep our hands off each other and the ongoing unbearable anticipation was so exhilarating) turned into kids’ snacks, having to plan sex around their nap time, kids waking up, kids activities, arguments about friends and family, a long list of external needs getting in the way of passion, lust and pleasure.

Who feels sexy after feeding the kids chicken nuggets? Who is in the mood for a glass of wine and a strep tease in the living room when the kids are sleeping in the room next door?

Nobody. I bet not even Brad and Angeline in their good days.

So we split ways. We each started to see other people, slept with other people and most importantly, let the air run between us. Days went by, weeks went by, months went by, call it a year. Suddenly, you wake up one morning longing for your ex, wanting sex with that person that knows your body and knows how you like it. You don’t miss the fights or the arguments about the kids no, you don’t miss the way that person made you feel or how heartbroken you were when things fell apart. You miss sex with your ex. Period.

So one day the opportunity arises and you take it. A pleasant surprise.

In love as in many other things time is our best ally. The longer it has been since you have seen each other, the more you will want what you no longer have and once had. Call it nostalgia, sense of property, you name it.

So my ex and I started to exchange flirty messages recently, acting as if we had just met on Tinder. Sending pictures and jokes and being really explicit about our wants and needs. I had read a lot about the risks of doing this but I have to say the following: those articles that say that you shouldn’t sleep with an ex are wrong!

Meeting your ex in a hotel room is perhaps one of the most liberating things ever. First, you can skip dinner, second, you know what you are getting, third, you know this person, you like this person and if you are both in agreement you will feel maybe more loved than ever before!

I like the fact that now we each take care of our dirty laundry. The fact that now we actually “make plans” to give each other pleasure and enjoy each other’s company.

Who said that second chances are doomed? They only are if the couple goes back to what didn’t work before but if you find a new ground it can be a lot of fun and who knows, maybe a new door to falling in love again!

Advertisements

Chapter 72. No caller ID

So he calls you from a hidden number? That guy is an idiot. People did that a while ago when iPhones came out and we discovered the no caller ID option but who does that these days? Right, only the government.

One thing is for guys to believe that they can have any woman they want and get “a la carte” casual sex, another thing is for guys to start playing hard to get when a woman is simply being friendly or trying to get to known them or simply reaching out to say “hi, would you like a cup of coffee?”

He might think “oh, I am not going to give her my number in case she is some kind of Psycho and gets obsessed with me” or “I better call her from a hidden number that way I decide when I want to talk to her but she has no way to contact me” or “I will use the no caller ID so she does not start to send me WhatsApps, that would increase the chances of my girlfriend finding out”

WTF?

Are we woman perceived as crazy and out of control these days? Do all those commercials introducing vitamins and PMS pills have anything to do with it? Or is this a collateral effect of the tv show Sex and the City? Since when guys feel like the have to take precautionary measures towards women?

I could not believe what I was hearing.

Guys on Tinder not sharing their numbers or sending preliminary personality questions to women to see if they “pass the test”? What are men these days? The prize?

Chapter 57. Crocodile is in love

Very in love, he says, he sold the house, the company and wants to move to Puerto Rico with a 28 year girl that makes him feel X and makes him look Y. That is the key. He also wants me to tell his mother about his plans. This love he feels for this woman, this rush, makes it impossible for them to be apart which only proves how scared he is of being alone.

Crocodile and Miss Reggeaton (which is the term that I use to decribe a young girl that listens to that kind of music and postes pictures of her butt on Facebook) have been together for six months. During that time, they have done nothing but to share with the world how happy they are. They travel each weekend, stay at 5 star hotels, go to Michelin Star restaurants,  announce their relationship on social media. The beauty of social networks, the perfect life. Yet, every once in a while, I get a message from crocodile in distress:

“Miss Reggeaton is leaving me, all because of you. She says that I gave you everything, too much…and that she cannot deal with that…” A couple of days later they are off to a new destination.

“Miss Reggeton is coming to town on Sunday, it might be the last time I see her. A couple of days later he is gone and does not call or see his daughter for two weeks.

Manipulate and you might find yourseld manipulated by someone smarter than you.

So I called my best friend the other day “Hey what is going on, what do you think about social media?”

“Everything that you do is amazing and if you work hard enough you look great all the time. So happy, so perfect. I coud not say….Rachel, please focus on your moments and truly enjoy them, they are nobody elses´business…my wife is obsessed with that shit, she spends three hours in bed looking at bloggers and reading about a crocodile. Have you heard about it?”

Nope.

Chapter 34. Sex on vacation

Given the sexless vacation waters that many couple navigate these days, I see more and more of my married girlfriends going away alone with their kids. I see more and more of my girlfriends going away with their husbands + more people (usually other adults with or without kids). That way even if they don’t get laid, at least they assure themselves some adult conversation at the dinner table. It seems like as you become more mainstream bourgeoise, the perfect vacation is harder to achieve. Even at the same age, we have very different lifestyles depending on personal circumstances, you might find yourself in the single market, in the comfortably numb married-with-no-benefits or seldom benefits market, in the not married with benefits or in the divorced with/without kids market. So different things can happen:

You go away with a man that you only met on the Internet – You might jump on a plane because you have been chatting with a really nice good looking guy from Oklahoma for three months and you think that it is about time to go meet him in person and get some action. All this virtual infatuation is killing you and you are on a mission to release all the accumulated sexual tension. Because you are an adventurer, strong independent woman and can afford it, you agree to meet him at his nearest airport, you will then board the plane together and set off to St. Marteen. There you will spend four fabulous nights of romance getting to know each other while taking long walks along the beach. Since the guy is an artist and is broke (one of the reasons why he is available after 40) you will pay for the hotel room with your miles because you are such an accomplished woman that you travel all over the world for work. You accumulate miles whenever you go for work to Singapore, Japan, etc. and miles means upgrades. Yes! You can stay at the Four Seasons in Honolulu with you Tinder honey, have great sex and don’t spend a dime. Except when Mr. Oklahoma stands you up last minute because “some shit came up” and you end up spending your miles and your time alone in the Caribbean, then a hurricane hits the shore..at that moment, you might realize that you are 37, you are single, alone in a Caribbean Island luxury hotel room, miles away from a friend and you no longer have your vacation days nor your miles. Time to hit the bar.

You go away with a man that likes you but you don’t really like him – This scenario is not fun. You really have no interest in the guy but you have not got laid in so long that you convince yourself to go in hopes that a couple of glasses Chardonnay will do the trick. There is nothing less amusing for a women than going away with a guy that doesn’t stand a chance in bed. Dinner, drinks, all the time that you spend together will be a waste. You might hold hands reluctantly on the way to the restaurant but before he even makes a move, if you still have some neurons working, you will call the trip off ahead of time or you will make up an illness to spend most of the time in your room enjoying the mini bar, working or watching your favorite tv series. The guy on his end, for sure will act worried or disappointed or even angry. You will end up feeling like a total bitch. Big no no.

You go away with a man that you like a lot but he doesn’t quite like you – This is the type of scenario where a woman suffers the most. Perhaps the guy does not have the guts to break up with you or perhaps you have insisted so much and showed so much enthusiasm that he is just going just to please you (literally, for the sex) or because he has never been to Morocco before, or both. Whatever the case, since guys seem to be able to separate sex from feelings much better than women do, chances are that you will end up suffering when you realize that all you tenderness and all your dedication during the sexual encounters that the two of you had while on vacation was not appreciated nor corresponded. Maybe he will act nicer after that night and you will come back thinking that your relationship has gone to the next level, but it will be hard to find out that it has not when one week later, back in NYC, he does not return your calls…

You go away with a man that you like, he likes you back but he is married – This scenario is a common one. You will naturally act cooler than his wife and you will naturally seem cooler than his wife to him. Obviously it is much more exotic for a man to meet a lover that wears La Perla lingerie at a Peninsula Hotel in Sidney than to go home to the mother of his kids who probably has to make ends meet and only has the gut to get herself some nice Princesse Tam Tam ensembles now and then and with whom he ends up at a noisy Family Riu Hotel each time he goes on vacation. Here, you will find a lot of pleasure I mean physical and emotional pleasure because men tend to relax and enjoy themselves more with their mistress than they do with their wives. He will laugh and be more attentive with you, and he will show the best of him. However, nothing will prepare you for your lonely single-woman apartment when you get back to Rome. The married man will go home and in exchange for those wonderful vacation days in India, you will have to heat up canned soup and eat it in from of the tv many weekdays knowing that while you do that, he will be sharing the family dinner table with his kids and wife.

You go away with your girlfriends – This is just fun!!!! you go out like headless chicken each night laughing and talking about…mostly men hoping that one of you will get lucky tonight. After a few days hanging out, reading magazines and discussing girly topics, you will be dying for some guys to approach the group…

You go away with your best friend – The most relaxing option of all. You can have a real good time with your best friend pretty much anywhere, even with no sex. Unless that friend is going through a rough love episode and spends the entire vacation with a guy that she met at the beach party the first night or looking at her phone screen or talking to you about her relationships problems or reading out loud her whatsapps. In that case, you will probably end up your vacation wanting to be devoured by a Caribbean shark.

You go away with other couples with no kids – Another suitable solution if you want to spend a nice relaxing vacation provided that you truly get along with the other couple and that nobody fancies anybody’s husband or wife. In this scenario, it does not matter if you and your partner no longer have a blast together. When you go on a trip with other couples you get girl time, guy time and couples time. You have other human beings to entertain you and to entertain. It is usually good fun. There will be a lot of hand holding and a lot of seeming and a lot of showing off and a lot of excuses “good night honey, I had too much wine…sleep tight”. If you are lucky, you will get laid once. Nothing too memorable.

You go away with other couples with kids – Don’t do this if you want to relax. Chances are that your kids will annoy you to death but more than your kids, your friends’s kids will annoy you to death. You will end up being fed up of them and if you are lucky, you will see them again, chances are you won’t, at least for a long time, hopefully once they graduate college. No sex will take place whatsoever because the sole idea of getting pregnant will have you terrified.

You go away with your husband/partner before the kids – This is another attractive option because before the kids, many couples actually do get along and have fun on vacation. You could actually have fun going on dates with your husband and ending the night with passion encounters. The problem is when one of the two has to give up drinking after dinner or sleeping at night, or when one of the them does not get to tan and relax reading a book on the hammock because the kids demand too much attention. In this scenario find a hotel with a kids club so that you and your partner can have a real break and find an hour in the afternoon for a quick fix.

You go away with your husband/partner after the kids – Things can go relatively well if the husband or partner shares all the childcare duties equally with the mother. If not, this kind of vacation only becomes more work for mom. Mom is not at home so she has to make do with a hotel room and most of the time, mom will have to stress out during the meals because the kids are a bit out of control. Dad won’t be able to have his quiet time inside the hotel room and he won’t be able to have mom either. This will make him even crankier. Mom will be always the last to shower and will have practically no time for herself. Of course as the kids grow up the situation improves but then you have to deal with teenage issues and needs. In short, better to stay at home until they turn 18.

You go away with Crocodile – Crocodiles are terrible companions. You cannot count on them for pretty much anything. For sure, when going away with a crocodile you will get to the vacation destination alone and in advance carrying not only your items but his. Crocodiles tend to have tight work schedules and never tell you for sure if they will be able to make it. Crocodiles tend to act indifferent to the charms of the place that you have picked or to anything that most people would find awesome. They won’t be eager to discover the restaurant or to sample any wine or to visit that museum with you. They will make you feel like they are there but absent at the same time, looking at their phones and thinking about the next thing on the agenda. For that reason, a crocodile might suddenly stand you up if something work related comes up or if his mom calls him saying she is feeling dizzy. You will have to call off your vacation, over and over, getting into ridiculous fights that might have you not talking to each other for days. It is likely that after those episodes you convince yourself that the relationship is over. You will put crocodile inside his cage and lock it, but he will unlock it and get out to come to you and give you mind blowing ferocious sex in the middle of the hallway.

You go away with Prince Charming – Everything is systematically perfect. He will let you pick the hotel that you like. He won’t complain about how much the hotel costs, he will like the things you like, he will let you seat on the side of the plane that you want and be nice to the flight attendant. He will go over your suitcase to make sure that you have everything that you might need because he knows how dizzy you can be sometimes. He will carry your luggage and do the check in upon arriving. He will take care of you and share your travel rithm, you will wake up together, he will say good morning, you will enjoy breakfast on the terrace, in short, you will be compatible, something essential when traveling. He will share romantic dinners with you and romantic sexual encounters that will be so sweet and utterly pleasurable. Prince Charming always delivers the promise. Period. When it comes to dancing around the world, Prince Charming remains the best option for any girl on Earth.

You go away with you ex-husband plus the kids and the new significant others – By the end of this trip, which for sure looks promising and interesting to any French producer, the significant others will end up exchanging telephone numbers and becoming Facebook friends. They know that they might need to support each other during a likely break up. This trip will be good for the  ex partners to spend time being reminiscent and acting cute towards one another but nothing else. A trip of this nature, unless it happens without the new spouses, will make the current parters completely out of place and inadequate. Reminiscent sex in the horizon.