Chapter 101. Fast food

No matter where you go, how far you go, how good the restaurant is, how much you spend trying to recreate the feeling that brought you two together in the first place when the vanity fair was all that drove you. The peacock parade, high hopes for a better life, shared infatuation and shared desire.  The “look at us” effect, feelings of increased self-worth that are no longer making you happy. Manipulative games not working, everything gets old. In fact now you realize that nothing works as effectively as it used to. You start to sample the taste of expired nuts in your mouth. You want to spit everything out and you ask yourself: how is this possible?

Your love is like fast food delivery. As little nourishing as a Mc Flurry, popsicles on pepperoni pizza, microwave noodles, tacky as frozen short ribs on a styrofoam plate. The pizza arrived cold, yet you ate it quickly, took pictures of it, posted the pictures and expected many likes while still chewing, getting more pleasure from the likes than from the food itself. Ate another piece. While eating, you kept yourself occupied sharing the images with the entire humanity with the only purpose of showing off….a piece of cold pepperoni pizza! “I am so cool. I eat so well. Watch me. I eat it all”

You are the kind of person that would feel attracted by the smell of greasy food? When you dial the number to get delivery pizza, do you always over order? A low-cost consumer with a big budget and an even bigger appetite perhaps? Get the shoes, add to cart and proceed to check out.

Heartburn.

Greed, pride, selfishness, self agendas and convenience do not lead to great digestion. Certainly not to love. Yet, we are all at risk of getting fooled by ulterior motives when looking to nourish our heart and soul.

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Chapter 99. Finally Over Him

It is finally over. You don’t believe it but this day finally came. You woke up you got dressed you did your chores and then, at a given point in time of this day, something crossed your mind and boom! There it is! The thought of him, your ex. But wait, wait a minute, this has not happened in a while, you tell yourself, you have not thought about him for days, maybe weeks… and it hits you. You have made it. You are over the breakup.

It only took 5 months and then some to get to this point. Five miserable painful months until his name, the idea of him, the anxiety of him and the looking for answers are no longer the first thing that your mind searches in the morning and the last thing that occupies your thoughts at night.  Two hundred days of suffering, of looking at the phone, of expecting a reply, a call, an email, of missing his presence when his presence was most welcome. Two hundred days of loosing touch, loosing hope and sight of your envisioned future and your world, his world that was so yours too. Two hundred days of accepting the new situation and feeling forced to build a new life for yourself. Alone, with no help when you most needed it…

Two hundred days of him taking away everything that mattered, of having to make do without it, of having to fight each morning to carry on without his love, friendship, support….

Two hundred days of feeling abandoned like you abandon old shoes when they are no longer useful. Two hundred days of feeling unloved, deceived by someone that once offered you a perfect plan and when you least expected it, was able to attack what you love the most.

This week his name finally appeared on my phone screen again. I felt nothing. It took me a while to figure out who it was. I picked up the phone. Looked at his name, I felt nothing, I opened the email also but this time my heart was not pounding, I thought: I need nothing, I want nothing. I read it, the way it was writen told me : I miss nothing. I replied nothing.

I am finally over it.

You are reading this, I know you are, why? I don´t know. Someone you know is reading this, every woman is reading this and even five months later, you, your friend, your ex, anybody with a heart can read this and feel my pain, anybody that has loved can feel it but you didn’t.

I want nothing to do with that love of yours. Nothing.

I never thought I would get to this point. But life is like a cup that gets filled and emptied sometimes and my cup, once full, was spilt all over the floor….you kicked it. Only to feel empty again. Washed, dried. Ready for new content. Ready for love.

Chapter 98. Why men pull away

I was reading this article about “why men pull away” and why women should watch this and this video to learn “what to say to a man”. I got them from a dear friend who is currently having guy issues. The guy that she has been dating on and off for the past….20 FREAKING YEARS!!!! won’t commit. What is more, he will act consistently selfish and only look after his best interest. You would think that by now she would have told the guy off. Think twice.

Yet somehow, all these videos that she was sending to me about why men pull away were all blaming women for something they were doing wrong.

Say this not that,

do this, not that….

These are the five words that every man wants to hear…

In my opinion, there are relationships that simply don’t work and there are also some people, men or women, with severe personality disorders who are incapable of loving. Period.

These people are adrenaline yonkis always looking for validation of their own shortcomings or caught up in toxic relationships where they dominate or feel dominated. They go from love to hate, from passion to despair, from loyalty to betrayal. From all to nothing.

Women shouldn’t allow websites or videos that continue to blame the woman for a relationship not working. If the guy is not making you feel like a star leave him. Do not buy tutorials made by men teaching you how to “speak to a man’s heart”. That would only mean another man taking advantage of a women looking to be loved for who she is.

The problem these days is that women feel pressured to be perfect at everything while men are expected to just play the being a man part. Why should women feel the need to “be worth it” of a guys’ affection? Is a guy is not willing to for whatever reason, let him go off on his own. Who would want to swim in frozen waters?

There are plenty of fish in the sea…

Chapter 97. Xmas Spirit despite the crocodile

What did you get for Xmas?

I got fat. And happy. And drunk. And lucky, really lucky. Like in the movies lucky, like when you don’t know what you were missing lucky. Like when you feel that everything that you have done and every single thing that has happened to you good or bad in 2017 came down the way it did for a reason, to bring you those special moments that, as a gift, invade your life one day, and the next day, and the day after.

Imagine waking up, getting dressed, leaving the house to go get some coffee after a perfect night. You breathe in, feel the warm air and look around totally cool. Then you look around again, more closely, you notice people with sad expressions on their faces while you feel like you are just levitating, walking on air, looking amazing, feeling amazing and thinking “I am one lucky bitch”. It might have something to do with the perfume you use, the stars, the Universe or that your heart is fully open to even listen and attend to your “so called enemies” when and if needed.

The fact is that even under the worst circumstances, even if crocodile has done everything within his hand to make this Xmas the saddest ever like not paying attention to the kids, not paying child support, who does that in Xmas? Only a reptile. Even if he stole the family car that while married we both decided to put on his company name to save taxes and he did so without a warning, emptying the trunk including toys and other surprises that the kids could have seen, sending a WhatsApp to inform of their location, only to drive the car to his presumably escort lady as proof of love…

Even if all of this disturbing events happened in the middle of the school Xmas holidays, while the kids are off school and we had to get places in order to stay entertained, even if not having a car meant that we did not get to spend Xmas with our other side of the family because they live in a different state, even if I had to spend a fortune on nannies because I had to go to work some of those days and did not have my car get to drive the kids to a family members’ home. Even if this deprived them from having quality family time. Even if I had to run around like crazy many times under the rain because funny enough, the rain did not stop falling these days. Even if this ordeal meant that I had to pay someone by the hour to mind the children again, grab ten taxis to make sure that they had all their Xmas wishes come true, all of this while looking fabulous, attending many functions, getting my nails done…Even with all of this against me, I got lucky. Luckier than ever indeed!

And yes, I did it, I did it all alone and while doing it, while taking care of my entire family, my job, the meals, the details, I felt like I was Xmas myself. It was hard, fun, and most importantly: It paid off.

At 9:47 pm on New Year’s Eve I got a message that made my year balance close really really positively. I think it was Santa. It was a very much wanted message. The next day I got another one announcing an amazing life changing opportunity so cool that it’s hard to believe. I think that was one of the three Magic Kings.

For the entire time I did not loose my smile. I did not loose my drive. I kept fighting, I kept giving, I kept loving..and I got it all back. Love, fun, passion, friendship, support, yes I got some pounds as well from all the great food and wine shared but the best, the amazing new opportunities and memories. Some that have made my life much better than it ever was.

Yes, merry merry Xmas so glad is over because it would be hard to live like this forever!

Looking forward to the new year y’all! It’s going to rock! Stay tuned and never give up.

Best wishes,

Med G.

ps: Santa brought me a fuck off spray, it keeps assholes and idiots away for up to four hours. You should try it it works from a long distance too!

Chapter 96. Having children may destroy your relationship.

Let´s make something clear: kids alter relationships.

Men, most of them, like to enjoy life without the responsibility. Women in return, marry with the idea of starting a family and have kids because for many women, having kids is a dream come true, starting a family is what we have been taught and in other cases shit just happens. For most women kids become their first love and their love life, their relationship, suffers as a result. One because men do not like to share the attention with screaming little beings that they will need to care for and support for at least 18 years, small beings that they don´t know and that enter their house to offer sleep deprivation, diapers, bottles, expenses, more in law time and endless weekends at home. Not fun. Two because sex becomes less feasible when the kids are in the house. There are of course other instances in which the father becomes in love/obsessed with their offspring. In these cases the woman will get pissed off, depressed, jealous and resentful, that also kills the relationship.

Who likes to add responsibility and more pressure to adult life in these times where job and financial stability are as flaky as an onion? Who likes to wake up naked after a night of passion and lust and see a small walking baby with a pacifier enter the room and crawl into your bed, the bed where you just had sex? Nobody. Besides, women when they become moms will be so preoccupied about the kids that they will not appear as sexy as before not to mention relaxed or done up. They will be one thing instead: exhausted.

Many men affirm not to feel attracted to their partners after they give birth. How can you be attracted to someone that carried and expelled a baby out their vagina in front of you? Do you love that woman? Yes. Do you find her misterious, sexy, dirty in bed as before? Not really. After your child calls your once sex partner mom repeatidly in the middle of the night sex appeal kind of goes away, not to mention the breastfeeding part.

I have been married twice and twice I had kids wiht my respective husbands. We love our kids to death but the kids in both cases, ruined the marriage and the relationship. After that I had a serious boyfriend whom I thought to marry and one again, the kids, the pressure that kids and their education brought to the table killed the relationship. Because let´s make another thing clear: if it is hard with your kids it is even harder with someone else´s.

Chapter 95. Love the artist

I always knew that my third husband would be an artist.

I have done the foreigner, the business man, it’s time for an artist.

Artists have always fascinated me. Their ongoing suffering, preoccupation, fear, anxiety and nostalgia are common to me. Artists are like any other men but more honest. They will tell you things like “I am good for nobody” or “I can’t belong to you” or “I want to die” or ” I am not interested in a relationship because I hate human kind” and it´s true, we always hurt each other along the way…

Statements like this will set the bar low and prepare the ground for what is coming: just life, mere existence shaped in moments and shared ephemerally with some artist that feels ten times more, sees ten times more, suffers ten times more. Someone that announces to be selfish and harmful from day one. I´ll buy it, who wouldn’t? Finally the truth.

Artists are special beings indeed, to be preserved, loved and nurtured. To be understood, supported and most importantly: inspired. Only one kind of woman can be with or be loved by an artist: a muse, a woman strong enough to inspire during the artist´s creation / destruction process of each day, a woman that is above the mediocrities of human kind. A woman capable of playing the part and put up with the drama for a period of time regardless of its duration, a period during which the artist will feel alive, will breath fresh air, will find hope and energy to do what they do best: art.

Art in whatever form it is it’s an expression of the soul and the soul of an artist should be preserved and fed, perceived as the most expensive jewel in a jewelry store since it communicates the common feelings of a whole society at a given time.

Frida, Gala, Alfonsina, Rosalía, Isabel and thousands of others are nodding at this.

Chapter 94. Perfect couple

They were perfect from day one but they did not know it. Everyone could see they were meant to be. The way they interacted, the way their body language was just synchronized and easy. Carlos used to tease Linda a lot, Linda would get irritated like old couples do, but not mad, because she never got mad. She didn’t even get mad the weekend we all went to Vermont skiing and we abandoned her to her luck in the bunny hill for beginners. She stayed there happily with a bunch of kids.

By the time we got back from the slopes, tree hours later, she had the bunny hill down and a big smile on her face, she was happy to show us her progress. Later on we went to hooters because the guys wanted to check it out. That was the first and only time I went to hooters. Nice wings.

It was a year earlier in Philadelphia and I was invited to go to a BBQ with my husband, the host was a Colombian business consultant who had a big house and a yard and a grill. All we needed.

I loved meeting people and eating and drinking so this seemed like a good plan for a Sunday because to top it all, there was dancing in the afternoon. Salsa dancing. My husband was not Latino and his moves were not paired with the rhythm. I had spent years trying to teach him how to dance at no avail. His German gens kept getting in the way I guess. So I had to find another dance partner. The host seemed like the perfect choice.

A few minutes after arriving I noticed that Linda was in charge of the house. Is she dating Felix the host? Nah! She is married to Carlos, the tall guy, my husband said.

“They don’t wear rings”

“Ok then they are dating for sure” he concluded.

But none of that was true. In fact they were friends. Carlos and Linda were good friends, but Carlos was kind of a loner, a 35 year old bachelor set in his ways. Felix and Linda were good friends also and if you ever asked any of them about getting together they would start laughing so hard. I started to dance with Felix at all the parties. He is the only man to date that made me dance like a pro. His moves were just heavenly. The more I danced the more I enjoyed it and I would look forward to dancing with him. Strangely there was no sexual tension, then I got it, Felix was gay.

With Felix out of the equation there was only Carlos left. But Linda kept denying the existence of any romantic liens between them.

“Me and Carlos? Never! He is impossible!”

I saw them both last three years ago. They came to visit me here in Seattle.

They came to introduce their baby girl.

And they were wearing wedding bands.

Chapter 93. Emotionally Faithful

-“I never cheated on her, you know? I am emotionally faithful” he said to me as he finished his beer. – “You have to understand, you are a woman, the most understanding woman I know, actually. You are a bit like a guy. I am sorry for saying this but it’s true. This is very simple guy reasoning”.

– “What do you mean emotionally faithful?”

-“What I mean is that I love her and care about her. I provide for her and she has everything she could ask for. Yes, I sleep with other women here and there, I am a guy you know, we do that kind of thing, sometimes to prove something to ourselves ok listen I am going to be very honest here, I even like to pay a woman sometimes to do what I need without having to pay her drinks or dinner…but I am emotionally faithful, yes, given the fact that I am only emotionally involved with one. There is nothing to freak out about this I think. All guys or maybe I should say most guys do it. Now she is not talking to me because she found out…Uhh..Can I come to you place? We can order some pizza or something? I am a mess if she leaves me. I just can’t be alone. That’s it, you know this about me. I don’t want to be alone. I am terrified.

“Ah…that” I had not been able to listen to the last part. The realization and this new concept was so strong that I had to keep processing what I was listening to.

So this man unveiled to me how many men see it. It is OK to have sex with other women as long as your wife has it all and you don´t get emotionally involved.

We went out that night, he kept tipping the waitress… I kept drinking my beer.

The whole conversation kept pounding on my head. I looked at him there he was, playing pool, he seemed content now, as if my presence there had provided some validation to his theory, he kept looking at me smiling. I shouldn’t even hang out with a guy like this.

I saw him a couple of weeks ago. His wife had filed for divorced, apparently she was the one having an affair, an emotional one nonetheless. He called her a bitch of course! How does she dare to find someone who really loves her, called her everyday when he was on business trips fucking around.

Of course he did not get it. He was destroyed.

“He is a fucking looser! He does not even own a business! What am I going to do now alone? I asked her if I could move to the guest house. She said no”

Go figure.

Chapter 92. Rich men have affairs at lunchtime

We had not even started the main course and he was already offering a trip to Cuba. Then he announced:

“I’m not leaving my wife” it sounded as a condition to carry on with the conversation.

“I haven’t asked you to, I am not leaving my husband” I replied.

He was on this website for married dating with discretion. A website with over 45,000 users and counting.

It appears that infidelity with discretion (while appearing to have a happy married life) is now embedded into the social system, the more money that you have, the better your wife lives, the more doable it becomes, the internet has made it even easier.

Well off people and their secret agreements. They do not make drama about infidelity no, what do they do? They are discreet about it. Only trashy people talk about affair problems openly and publish their miseries on the internet. People who lack style and who make us feel sorry for their manners.

Classy wealthy people don’t do that kind of thing. They get home early, cook dinner, put the kids to sleep and drink a glass of wine with their significant others. They appear content, respectable in front of society and never ever cause scenes. But each morning, when they wave their partners goodbye from the car and for the day….their fun begins.

They might say it is a work meeting, a work trip, a friends gathering, whatever respectable lie they think of. The other person will hear it, suspect is a lie, look the other way and think: “Fine, of course”.

I will take someone to a hotel room between 3 and 5 and then come home to you at night with a warm loving hug. I will listen to your existencial concerns, talk about the garage opener not working and the new cleaning lady cutting the hours short right after we live the house. Good thing the alarm and the security cameras are working and can warn us about the rip off, right?

“I will fire her next week honey don’t worry”.

Rich people have affairs at lunch time.

Chapter 90. You gave up something for love and now you feel like Ariel the mermaid ten years later

Soon enough my friend became like Ariel the little mermaid when she sold her voice to Ursula in exchange for temporary human legs. The legs that allowed her to go after Eric but that, at the same time, pulled her away from everything that she was: A princess mermaid with a happy life and a loving family.

She was a fish out the water and she did that for love. We all know that.

In the second part Ariel moves to palace and has a human daughter with Eric, the Prince. But when the daugther becomes a teenager what happens? She wants to be a mermaid! Yes, a mermaid. The ironies of life. Ariel has to face now what she has been trying to deny to herself for years: she made comprimises for love that she wished she had not made. As years went by she secretly became more and more nostalgic because she missed the ocean terribly, her sisters, her father, Flounder. She wanted to show it all to her daughter but because she had chosen a life with Eric on Earth, she could not. She could never show her daughter how to swim like a fish. That realization was killing her, but why couldn’t she go back to ocean life? Because she had legs! And who is to blame?

Eric!

At that moment Ariel became resentful and toxic towards Eric.

Eric started to travel more for work and Ariel had sex with the gardener, drank more vodka and spent Eric’s money.

“He owes me” She thought.