Chapter 81. An abandoned man is an easy prey

He said goodbye and left, crying and heart broken.

Only a few days after being abandoned, he found someone new, a new woman that picked up his pieces from the floor and made him hers. A floating device.

Years have gone by and he keeps holding on to this safety branch, most men who have lost the love of their lives do this, after all, it is nice to be the one who is loved more for a change immediatly after you get your heart broken and your life plan dissapears. Who would refuse being pampered and treated like a king by another woman after the woman of your life, the one that you have loved the most, the mother of your child, broke your heart into a million pieces and dumped you? Who would not like a new pal to talk badly about your ex and to tell you what to do to forget about her while travelling around in style, appearing totally over it and having lots of sex? Who would not like to be with someone commited to make you forget about your former life completely because that is after all, in her best interest? No kids, no family, just you, once rejected, abandoned, treated like crap by that woman that was once the core of your whole life. Now you feel pampered, spoilt, loved to pieces. It is not her, but it is nice nonetheless, “I can get used to this” you tell yourseff, “I can teach myself to love her” you add, she doesn´t hurt, she doesn´t hurt, and before you know it, you find yourself accomodated in a stable relationship, maybe even a second marriage that will feel a lot safer than the other one before because in the one before, you were at risck, your heart was at risk,  you were afraid of loosing and in this one, you are not, you are safe. You love her yeah but with moderation, “I had enough of suffering” you conclude.

On the other hand, when a woman finds a man in that desperate of a state she can easily sense it. She will take advantage of the situation to move in, take control over everything and never let go, she will make sure that this man sticks around for life and will pay her inmense gratitude, eternal gratitude for picking him up from the floor. He won´t love her as much, but he will choose her comfort and the reassurance that she provides. A “just abandoned” man is a very easy prey for any woman indeed.

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Chapter 79. The Ex

One must love French movies.

In French movies exes are cordial and meet up at family events. They can even exchange supportive smiles when their man ex/man is acting like a total fool in their presence.

Some Hollywood movies have taken this subject to the big screen but those movies are without a doubt, based on French films.

The French are sophisticated, socially and politically speaking and therefore, they manage past love stories better than most of us mortals, maybe because they understand that love is ephimeral and stories don´t last forever. Having that clear saves us a lot of hostlity. Maybe because they understand that men, those matians, are something that all women endure at some point.

Why is it that we systematically hate our partner’s ex? Personally I don’t see the point in doing so. Call me a researcher but I always try to analyze closely the person that left the job or the person that was “fired” because let’s face it, who better than an ex employee/boss to give you hints about what is coming your way? Don´t people ask for referrals?

Right. But most women, moved but nothing but ego, mistakenly think the following:

“He did that because she was such a bitch. He won’t do it to me”

Ha, Ha,  Ha!

Wait, I just choked on my porridge.

Chapter 78. You were dumped and you feel more pathetic than Briget Jones in the good old days.

Yes, dumped, rejected, thrown in the garbagge.

It happened only a few days ago, a few months ago, a few years ago and even though you have managed to put yourself somewhat back together, you still surprise yourself crying over a salad bowl, looking at old pictures, spending countless hours reading articles and watching videos about “how to get your ex back” telling the guy at the coffee shop about your past relationship or thinking that talking to a medium and paying a fortune for it is a great idea.

You might think “I am too old for experiencing heartbreak for the first time” but somehow you feel relief for having those feelings. Up until now, you hadn´t really suffered for anybody so you were feeling borderline sociopath, perhaps you hadn´t really loved anybody or perhaps you had never been dumped before. The thruth is that now, you feel and sound like a broken record harassing everyone around you and talking non stop about one single thing: him.

Will he ever come into his senses and call me to say how much he loves me? Did he ever really love me? Will I ever recover from this and most importantly, why did he leave me? We had so much in common! We were so good together! He told me that he loved me!

Your friend can´t take it anymore, your mom can take it anymore, the bus driver can´t take it anymore. In fact, the bus driver´s grandma can´t take it anymore. You are lucky that you´ve still got friends. You are by all means, a headless chicken, a crazy woman, obsessing over and over about a guy that simply did not care enough to stay.

By now, you might or might not be beyond the phase of sending him tons of emails and desperate messages of the sort “hi baby, please think about it, who are you going to be with better than me? “I miss you, can you call me?” All in capital letters and in the middle of the night. Yup, pathetic.

Being dumped is for sure a mutilating experince, but it is also a great opportunity to eat tons of chocolate and try new cocktails.

Or go shopping for new clothes.

Chapter 77. Men always come back

After a few months, even years, men start to miss what they once had. So while women hit the ground first and bounce back quickly men do something very different. The opposite, actually.

At first, men feel free and euphoric when they feel single again, the breakup feels like something liberating and like an opportunity to only think about themselves and do whatever they want to do (be more work focused, have sex with other women, go out and be silly, hit the gym more) but later everything starts to feel heavy on them. The countless nights alone in hotel rooms while they are traveling for work, the good night messages that don’t come any more, the little things that you used to do, the way you took care of yourself, the way you made them feel when you two were having a good time or looking for something nice for the house, in short, the ideal home that you once offered. The stability. Men need stability, a place to call home and a loving woman to go back to.

So while you have moved on with your life and you feel stronger and more beautiful than ever, maybe even in love again, your ex now seems more lost and confused than before, he might even feel that despite everything that has gone down (all the frustration and all the falling apart) in his mind, you are and forever will be, his point of return. But with one subtle difference: you are not, you are gone for good and he just hasn’t got the memo.

Why is so?

Once a woman closes her heart or gets disappointed by a man he loves is very hard to win her back, to get back into the heart, if not impossible. Men can take back a woman more easily than women do. Women are emotional beings with high standards for what constitutes feeling reassured, protected, safe, which are the things that most women value more in a stable relationship. So a guy that has hurt you once could stab you twice and that is simply not a safe bet for any woman after the age of 30.

Chapter 76. The Rebound

By definition rebound: bouncing back through the air after hitting something hard.

Also: the relationship that a desperate and a fool start right after or during a breakup that is curvy and that in the majority of the cases ends up poorly.

Maybe we don’t want to suffer maybe we want to forget maybe, just maybe, we fall for someone for real but even in the last case the result will be deadly.

We are not ready.

Healing takes time, forgiving and forgetting takes time, and even if by now you realize that you are and always were out your ex’s league, that you are too good of a home made tomato sauce for that frozen lasagna, you will still need time to overcome the breakup.

So the best rebound in this case is yourself, starting a new relationship with yourself. As Oscar Wilde would put it “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”. So look at the stars. You, once too focused on what another person was needing or feeling are now free to roam and live. How exciting.

In the unlikely event that you still love your ex do not worry. That’s ok, keep that love in your heart and be thankful for it, after all, a life without love is a garden with dead flowers in it but above all you are the flower, the prettiest flower of all and there is no choice but to love yourself when everyone else is taken or unwilling. And that means, becoming the best version of yourself, accomplishing the things that you had put second for your now ex partner and feeling the amazing high of living beyond existing.

As Wilde also puts is “to love yourself is the beginning of a life long romance” that will make you bounce back so high in the air that you will have no choice but to fly above the clouds.

Amazing. Unreachable!

Chapter 75. The One

We met at the park. An open space is the perfect space for big overwhelming rencounters I thought and as I got out of the metro and walked there my heart was pounding. I felt as excited as on our first date, it was NYC 1998.

We have known each other for 20 years now, that is a long time and for all those years we have kept an eye on each other, like two guardian angels that are busy doing other things but are connected. So when he told me that he was coming to see me in Europe I could not help feeling excited, very excited. Once again, 7 years later our paths were crossing.

I am not the same person, he is not the same person, but our souls are exactly the the same than when we met. Me, a troubled kid, him, a troubled kid. Scared to death and aware that we are not young any more, that tomorrow is no longer waiting for us to grow up, tomorrow is now.

I took a deep breath and kept walking, thinking that it was a matter of minutes now, knowing that he was already there waiting for me made me feel even more nervous, I was the one showing up, so he was the one staring and waiting for me to appear amongst the crowd. What am I going to say? What am I going to do? Kiss? Hug? Hug and kiss? This man is the man of my life, the one and only and he knows it.

It was a beautiful sunny day and I did not have time to think about the small details before I knew it, his arms were all around me. He seemed taller and stronger than I remembered. I felt home.

It has been one month since he came to London. My life has not been the same since he left, my mind gets flashbacks from his visit. I analyze every word that he said, visit each shared moment. Now that he is gone I feel as content, as fortunate and as empty as ever before but somehow I feel content, content for having someone so special, so true and so familiar in my life.

I look at the pictures, wait for him to wake up on the other side of the world, look for new WhatsApps, the weird, the short and everything in between, draft my responses. Did I say too much? Are we going anywhere? Does it matter?

Life goes on.

Chapter 73. Those martians

John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars women are from Venus, defines men as martians, beings from another planet. His book is a bestseller worldwide, Why? Because there is some truth to it. Gaining perspective on how the opposite sex thinks and feels is a universal need so no wonder why the book has been translated into 27 languages and continues to be the perfect gift.

The book’s offer is very clear and useful: how to minimize te impact of disagreements between men and women and how to learn to deal with / comprehend your partner.

It appears that men need to feel useful and women need to feel protected somehow. What a perfect combination! So, why are there so many problems that arise along the way? Simply because men and women see and deal with life differently.

When a woman has a problem she talks to other women about it. When a man has a problem, he distances himself from the woman, by doing so, the woman becomes angry and upset, feels abandoned, dissapointed and hence, acts the part. Men sense it and think “great, now I have another problem”, instead of being understanding, she is adding to my already complicated situation. What does the man do next? He pulls even further away.

Crisis.

She thinks: “He is not the same” “He only wants to spend time at work or with his friends” “He wont talk to me about his problems” and a long etc.

He thinks: “I can´t deal with this woman she is so difficult, she has no idea of what I am going through, if she did, she would be more understanding. I don´t need to talk about the problem, I need to solve it! and since I am a man I don´t want her help or her support now. Can she just simply leave me alone and let me deal with it my way?”

No. We want to talk about it, like women do, we want to feel included and above all, we want our martian to pay attention to us and be loving to us. Don´t do it and you are in hell. We are in hell. Everyone is in hell.

The author talks about the cave that man go into when faced with problematic situations and it´s so true. Women meet up for coffee and talk about their problems and men distance themselves and go back to the cave. I used to have a boyfriend that did exactly that, not only when he was overwhelmed but when he was sick too. He would not come out until he was feelling better or the problem was solved. By him. Alone.

The problem is that women along the way feel abandoned and upset, they demand attention, start acting differently and pass constant messages of discomfort and unhappiness. This only agravates the situation because there is only one frustration bigger from a martian than all the problems in the world and that is:

Not being able to make their woman happy.

So they leave.

 

Chapter 72. No caller ID

So he calls you from a hidden number? That guy is an idiot. People did that a while ago when iPhones came out and we discovered the no caller ID option but who does that these days? Right, only the government.

One thing is for guys to believe that they can have any woman they want and get “a la carte” casual sex, another thing is for guys to start playing hard to get when a woman is simply being friendly or trying to get to known them or simply reaching out to say “hi, would you like a cup of coffee?”

He might think “oh, I am not going to give her my number in case she is some kind of Psycho and gets obsessed with me” or “I better call her from a hidden number that way I decide when I want to talk to her but she has no way to contact me” or “I will use the no caller ID so she does not start to send me WhatsApps, that would increase the chances of my girlfriend finding out”

WTF?

Are we woman perceived as crazy and out of control these days? Do all those commercials introducing vitamins and PMS pills have anything to do with it? Or is this a collateral effect of the tv show Sex and the City? Since when guys feel like the have to take precautionary measures towards women?

I could not believe what I was hearing.

Guys on Tinder not sharing their numbers or sending preliminary personality questions to women to see if they “pass the test”? What are men these days? The prize?

Chapter 71. All you need is love.

Recently I went to see this musical based on the original movie The Bodyguard. Most of us know the story: rockstar hires a really hot bodyguard falls in love, and then says goodbye to the hot bodyguard after he saves her life at the Oscars’ ceremony.

Even though they love each other, in the end they decide to split because they reckon that they are not what each other needs. I am really confused because according to the oldest book “if I don’t have love I have nothing” and if you are not religious the Beatles say it too “all you need is love”

I guess not.

The idea of “love is not enough” hit me hard in the face back then and it did it again at the musical. I did not get it the first time, I still don’t get it, and judging by the amount of crying and weeping going on around me at the theater when Whitney sings “I will always love you” I dare to say that most people have a bit of a problem with this fact.

Many people think of love as an equation, add ups and minuses and base the future of a relationship on the equation results. But what about feelings? What about love? Isn’t love supposed to be the fiercest force of all, capable of anything? Isn’t love unstoppable? Yet, how many people don’t dare to expose themselves to love because of this silly equation? Stability in a stagnant marriage, status, money, work or professional success like in the case of the movie are put first. How many relationships are broken hidden or sacrificed on behalf of this equation? At that point, when you decide to put your love second, where do all those kisses that you want to give and choose not to give go? Where do your feelings go? Where does your happiness go? Where does your life go?

Personally I prefer the Beatles’ point of view. Love is all you need. And when the equation comes before love you are depriving yourself from having it all.

Chapter 70. He doesn’t love you if

As of late, your boyfriend plays the victim all the time. He says that you treat him badly, that you criticize him and that what you did to him that one time, even if this incident happened months or years ago, makes him feel unsure about the relationship with you. BS!

Your boyfriend is simply not in love with you anymore and needs to find ways to blame you for it and justify an imminent breakup. One easy way for men (or women) to walk out of a relationship is to project all the blame on the other person and then believe their own arguments.

If your partner seems to always be in a bad mood,  if he is not excited to see you after a few days being apart, if you don’t understand why he is so mean to you, why he blames you for everything in the world, including the ocean breeze. If every time he talks you hear “it’s your fault” behind every word. Like the water is too cold, the room is too hot, the ocean breeze is too breezy. You will desperately try to make the water warmer, the room cooler and the ocean breeze go away but there is nothing, absolutely nothing in the whole world that can save a situation of a man that doesn’t love you. And open your eyes:

The man does not love you.

Obviously it takes two to tango but when one leaves the relationship lying about the reasons or making up reasons like “I can’t give you what you want” “We don’t want the same thing” or “I will never be able to make you happy it usually translates as follows:

1. I don’t want to give you want you want, if I wanted, we would not have a problem.

2. No We do not want the same thing because we both used to be in love and now I am not.

3. I won’t be able to make you happy because I don’t want to make you happy. I don’t love you so that’s that.

“What do you mean you can’t make me happy? Sure you can! You are the man I love!”

“What do you mean we don’t want the same things I love you you love me, right?”

“What do you mean you cannot give me what I want? You are all I want!”

OK. Read 1, 2 and 3.

So you will take all the blame, you will feel confused, frustrated, sad, you will suffer a lot because you won’t understand the sudden change and all this blame on your shoulders. You will suffer.

Fact: with time the other person is going to suffer too because deep down he knows that all the excuses and all the blame were not legit nor fair towards you. The true reason is that the person that used to call you and promise you love and a life in common simply fell out of love and feels bad about it, he doesn’t want to be with you and better to demonize you than to admit that he was a ball of smoke. All talk.

Now you must put up with the fact that all those people that you met through your probably now ex boyfriend are listening to how mean you were, how negative you were and what a hellish life you were giving to this poor boy.

If you are reading this don’t feel sorry for yourself, be glad that someone who did not love you liberated you. Your love was pure and there is nothing shameful in that, if anything, a good score for the next person to match, on both ends.