Chapter 96. Having children may destroy your relationship.

Let´s make something clear: kids alter relationships.

Men, most of them, like to enjoy life without the responsibility. Women in return, marry with the idea of starting a family and have kids because for many women, having kids is a dream come true, starting a family is what we have been taught and in other cases shit just happens. For most women kids become their first love and their love life, their relationship, suffers as a result. One because men do not like to share the attention with screaming little beings that they will need to care for and support for at least 18 years, small beings that they don´t know and that enter their house to offer sleep deprivation, diapers, bottles, expenses, more in law time and endless weekends at home. No fun. Two because sex becomes less feasible when the kids are in the house. There are of course other instances in which the father becomes in love/obsessed with their offspring. In these cases the woman will get pissed off, depressed, jealous and resentful, that also kills the relationship.

Who likes to add responsibility and more pressure to adult life in these times where job and financial stability are as flaky as an onion? Who likes to wake up naked after a night of passion and lust and see a small walking baby with a pacifier enter the room and crawl into your bed, the bed where you just had sex? Nobody. Besides, women when they become moms will be so preoccupied about the kids that they will not appear as sexy as before not to mention relaxed or done up. They will be one thing instead: exhausted.

Many men affirm not to feel attracted to their partners after they give birth. How can you be attracted to someone that carried and expelled a baby out their vagina in front of you? Do you love that woman? Yes. Do you find her misterious, sexy, dirty in bed as before? Not really. After your child calls your once sex partner mom repeatidly in the middle of the night sex appeal kind of goes away, not to mention the breatfeeding part.

I have been married twice and twice I had kids wiht my respective husbands. We love our kids to death but the kids in both cases, ruined the marriage and the relationship. After that I had a serious boyfriend whom I thought to marry and one again, the kids, the pressure that kids and their education brought to the table killed the relationship. Because let´s make another thing clear: if it is hard with your kids it is even harder with someone else´s.

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Chapter 95. Love the artist

I always knew that my third husband would be an artist.

I have done the foreigner, the business man, it’s time for an artist.

Artists have always fascinated me. Their ongoing suffering, preoccupation, fear, anxiety and nostalgia are common to me. Artists are like any other men but more honest. They will tell you things like “I am good for nobody” or “I can’t belong to you” or “I want to die” or ” I am not interested in a relationship because I hate human kind” and it´s true, we always hurt each other along the way…

Statements like this will set the bar low and prepare the ground for what is coming: just life, mere existence shaped in moments and shared ephemerally with some artist that feels ten times more, sees ten times more, suffers ten times more. Someone that announces to be selfish and harmful from day one. I´ll buy it, who wouldn’t? Finally the truth.

Artists are special beings indeed, to be preserved, loved and nurtured. To be understood, supported and most importantly: inspired. Only one kind of woman can be with or be loved by an artist: a muse, a woman strong enough to inspire durinf the artist´s creation / destruction process of each day, a woman that is above the mediocrities of human kind. A woman capable of playing the part and put up with the drama for a period of time regardless of its duration, a period during which the artist will feel alive, will breath fresh air, will find hope and energy to do what they do best: art.

Art in whatever form it is it’s an expression of the soul and the soul of an artist should be preserved and fed, perceived as the most expensive jewel in a jewelry store since it communicates the common feelings of a whole society at a given time.

Frida, Gala, Alfonsina, Rosalía, Isabel and thousands of others are nodding at this.

Chapter 94. Perfect couple

They were perfect from day one but they did not know it. Everyone could see they were meant to be. The way they interacted, the way their body language was just synchronized and easy. Carlos used to tease Linda a lot, Linda would get irritated like old couples do, but not mad, because she never got mad. She didn’t even get mad the weekend we all went to Vermont skiing and we abandoned her to her luck in the bunny hill for beginners. She stayed there happily with a bunch of kids.

By the time we got back from the slopes, tree hours later, she had the bunny hill down and a big smile on her face, she was happy to show us her progress. Later on we went to hooters because the guys wanted to check it out. That was the first and only time I went to hooters. Nice wings.

It was a year earlier in Philadelphia and I was invited to go to a BBQ with my husband, the host was a Colombian business consultant who had a big house and a yard and a grill. All we needed.

I loved meeting people and eating and drinking so this seemed like a good plan for a Sunday because to top it all, there was dancing in the afternoon. Salsa dancing. My husband was not Latino and his moves were not paired with the rhythm. I had spent years trying to teach him how to dance at no avail. His German gens kept getting in the way I guess. So I had to find another dance partner. The host seemed like the perfect choice.

A few minutes after arriving I noticed that Linda was in charge of the house. Is she dating Felix the host? Nah! She is married to Carlos, the tall guy, my husband said.

“They don’t wear rings”

“Ok then they are dating for sure” he concluded.

But none of that was true. In fact they were friends. Carlos and Linda were good friends, but Carlos was kind of a loner, a 35 year old bachelor set in his ways. Felix and Linda were good friends also and if you ever asked any of them about getting together they would start laughing so hard. I started to dance with Felix at all the parties. He is the only man to date that made me dance like a pro. His moves were just heavenly. The more I danced the more I enjoyed it and I would look forward to dancing with him. Strangely there was no sexual tension, then I got it, Felix was gay.

With Felix out of the equation there was only Carlos left. But Linda kept denying the existence of any romantic liens between them.

“Me and Carlos? Never! He is impossible!”

I saw them both last three years ago. They came to visit me here in Seattle.

They came to introduce their baby girl.

And they were wearing wedding bands.

Chapter 93. Emotionally Faithful

-“I never cheated on her, you know? I am emotionally faithful” he said to me as he finished his beer. – “You have to understand, you are a woman, the most understanding woman I know, actually. You are a bit like a guy. I am sorry for saying this but it’s true. This is very simple guy reasoning”.

– “What do you mean emotionally faithful?”

-“What I mean is that I love her and care about her. I provide for her and she has everything she could ask for. Yes, I sleep with other women here and there, I am a guy you know, we do that kind of thing, sometimes to prove something to ourselves ok listen I am going to be very honest here, I even like to pay a woman sometimes to do what I need without having to pay her drinks or dinner…but I am emotionally faithful, yes, given the fact that I am only emotionally involved with one. There is nothing to freak out about this I think. All guys or maybe I should say most guys do it. Now she is not talking to me because she found out…Uhh..Can I come to you place? We can order some pizza or something? I am a mess if she leaves me. I just can’t be alone. That’s it, you know this about me. I don’t want to be alone. I am terrified.

“Ah…that” I had not been able to listen to the last part. The realization and this new concept was so strong that I had to keep processing what I was listening to.

So this man unveiled to me how many men see it. It is OK to have sex with other women as long as your wife has it all and you don´t get emotionally involved.

We went out that night, he kept tipping the waitress… I kept drinking my beer.

The whole conversation kept pounding on my head. I looked at him there he was, playing pool, he seemed content now, as if my presence there had provided some validation to his theory, he kept looking at me smiling. I shouldn’t even hang out with a guy like this.

I saw him a couple of weeks ago. His wife had filed for divorced, apparently she was the one having an affair, an emotional one nonetheless. He called her a bitch of course! How does she dare to find someone who really loves her, called her everyday when he was on business trips fucking around.

Of course he did not get it. He was destroyed.

“He is a fucking looser! He does not even own a business! What am I going to do now alone? I asked her if I could move to the guest house. She said no”

Go figure.

Chapter 92. Rich men have affairs at lunchtime

We had not even started the main course and he was already offering a trip to Cuba. Then he announced:

“I’m not leaving my wife” it sounded as a condition to carry on with the conversation.

“I haven’t asked you to, I am not leaving my husband” I replied.

He was on this website for married dating with discretion. A website with over 45,000 users and counting.

It appears that infidelity with discretion (while appearing to have a happy married life) is now embedded into the social system, the more money that you have, the better your wife lives, the more doable it becomes, the internet has made it even easier.

Well off people and their secret agreements. They do not make drama about infidelity no, what do they do? They are discreet about it. Only trashy people talk about affair problems openly and publish their miseries on the internet. People who lack style and who make us feel sorry for their manners.

Classy wealthy people don’t do that kind of thing. They get home early, cook dinner, put the kids to sleep and drink a glass of wine with their significant others. They appear content, respectable in front of society and never ever cause scenes. But each morning, when they wave their partners goodbye from the car and for the day….their fun begins.

They might say it is a work meeting, a work trip, a friends gathering, whatever respectable lie they think of. The other person will hear it, suspect is a lie, look the other way and think: “Fine, of course”.

I will take someone to a hotel room between 3 and 5 and then come home to you at night with a warm loving hug. I will listen to your existencial concerns, talk about the garage opener not working and the new cleaning lady cutting the hours short right after we live the house. Good thing the alarm and the security cameras are working and can warn us about the rip off, right?

“I will fire her next week honey don’t worry”.

Rich people have affairs at lunch time.

Chapter 90. You gave up something for love and now you feel like Ariel the mermaid ten years later

Soon enough my friend became like Ariel the little mermaid when she sold her voice to Ursula in exchange for temporary human legs. The legs that allowed her to go after Eric but that, at the same time, pulled her away from everything that she was: A princess mermaid with a happy life and a loving family.

She was a fish out the water and she did that for love. We all know that.

In the second part Ariel moves to palace and has a human daughter with Eric, the Prince. But when the daugther becomes a teenager what happens? She wants to be a mermaid! Yes, a mermaid. The ironies of life. Ariel has to face now what she has been trying to deny to herself for years: she made comprimises for love that she wished she had not made. As years went by she secretly became more and more nostalgic because she missed the ocean terribly, her sisters, her father, Flounder. She wanted to show it all to her daughter but because she had chosen a life with Eric on Earth, she could not. She could never show her daughter how to swim like a fish. That realization was killing her, but why couldn’t she go back to ocean life? Because she had legs! And who is to blame?

Eric!

At that moment Ariel became resentful and toxic towards Eric.

Eric started to travel more for work and Ariel had sex with the gardener, drank more vodka and spent Eric’s money.

“He owes me” She thought.

Chapter 89. Flirting on Whatsapp

Flirting on Whatsapp should become a national sport or a medical treatment. It releases endorphins, allows you to procrastinate for hours, if you are lucky even for weeks in a row, gets rid of anxiety and gives you a high*

What a better way to escape from work, a train commute, a doctors’ patient waiting room a boring meeting, a family gathering an award ceremony, a kids movie, etc.  than to flirt with that one person that for the past few days has been feeding you with good vibes and excitement?

I personally love this sport and I highly recommend it. Not only it allows you to be dreamy and happy about your day all day every day, it is also a great way to exercise your mind because let´s face it; when we are flirting with someone for the first time, we try to be witty to appear sharp, intelligent, alert, funny, so the messages that you compose force you to be more creative, more alert and ready for what is coming what is he/she going to respond to that? I better be ready! There is no better time than this.

Then there is that important factor:

The wait.

What an amazing high to see the message pop up! You were waiting, expecting even and boom! What a rush to hit the send botton and to wait for the two lines to become blue (except for people who don´t have that activated) I hate those MFKers.

The down side is when you make plans to meet with a friend that is flirting on Whatsapp. That sucks. Because your friend might probably do this: ignore you completely. It´s a new reality. We have all been there.

Technology has completely changed the rules of the game. Now you can flirt with a complete stranger via instant message and buid a lot of anticipation before the first date even happens. You can have a LDR with someone via instant message, it does not matter if that person lives in another continent. Do you have FaceTime and whatsapp? Yes? Then it´s doable.

Some are even talking about the perks of having a “virtual” boyfriend or girlfriend. It allows you to focus on your life more while fantasizing about your “loved” one or what is yet to come. It applies to sex to. Some friends have even declared to have incredible orgasms just thinking about it.

Could it be that we are becoming more and more comfortable with the virtual and less and less comfortable with the real?

How many of you follow someone on social media get the illusion that there is some sort of bond and then, when you meet the actual person in person you feel that there is nothing to say?

Right.

*DISCLAIMER: provided that the interest is reciprocal, if not, it has the complete opposite effect.

Chapter 88. Toxic Love

My friend is in pain. She does not sleep, she does not eat, she does not enjoy anything whatsoever. Watching her being this way is utterly worry some. I called her and asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink, by the time I stopped by her place (9 PM) she was passed out on the floor.

She does not want to talk about it anymore, she won’t talk about anything else but him. Why he changed, why he lied, why he is doing what he is doing now.

We have been watching our friend for a few months now. She started to date this man a while back, a typical crocodile, and even though the guy seemed really into her and in love, for the past months if not more, she has been suffering. A lot.

My friend used to be a riot, she was always raising up the bar and creating amazing things, fun, easy to talk to, ready for life and with this great ability to make days special.

Then, one day, she had a strike of bad luck, you know, like the cigarretes but the opposite, really bad luck. Everything started to go down the shoot with her relationship, but the situation was so unusual that she could not assess it easily. She became more and more bitter, obsessive and above all, anxious. Who walks around in the morning with a bottle of water filled with vodka?

She did.

She met this guy at a Bahamas singles-only resort, they hooked up, and before she knew it, this guy took over her entire universe. Sometimes I wondered if being bit by a small shark wouldn’t have been a better option.

He sold her a dream life, gave her everything quickly, made her feel like a queen, he was attentive, considerate, loving, capable of ruling the world, so her time, her body and her mind were easy to control too. All of this love coat and amazing red carpet treatment happened only at first. Then he changed, at first a little, then a lot, then there was nothing left of that wonderful man that once opened the door to the best places and did not look at his phone during dinner. My friend started to drink more, changed her lifestyle, her hair color, and started to act like someone new. A person that none of us knew because she was indeed sweet and corky before.

What seemed like a fairy tale, soon became bumpy, yes, a really really bumpy road, the guy was talking about marriage and having a family and made plans for the future yes, but at the same he was pulling away, pulling away from her arms, from her heart, abandoning the relationship while in it, finding a million things to do before spending time with her and making her feel loved like before.

Everything became a bad dream, not only for my friend, but for everyone be else involved. The guy became flaky, his word was no longer trustworthy so my friend became more and more anxious, more demanding, more dependent on what this guy did or did not do, wanted said or thought. All of this while pretending that things were as good as they were at first. She was sad, insecure for the first time ever, but the worst part is that she couldn’t say why because she was fed just enough love to survive on it. She also needed him, she was alone. This guy was by all means, a true emotional terrorist.

What a horrible feeling that is, when you sense that the man of your dreams has stopped loving you, treats you differently and you would rather do anything than to admit it and act on it, whether that is vodka, pills, or doing crazy stupid things to get his attention and love back. It has happened to me too so I can totally relate.

The problem is that crocodiles are crocodiles, they go back to their pond, to get messy, muddy, to be crocodiles, to hang out with their buddies and look for new preys and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that will ever ever change that.

Crocodiles are no pets.

Chapter 87. Friends with my Ex

I asked my ex if he wanted to be friends. He said no. I asked him to reconsider, given the fact that we have shared so much. He said no.

No?

Hearing this “no”loud and clear was one of the hardest things I ever had to hear. That rejection, from the person that you once loved and considered a bit yours leaves you feeling as appeased as a Red Bull drink. Since I’ve heard, it I have become a little bit borderline psycho. I continue to insist and to convince my ex that this is the reasonable option. I simply refuse to be rejected or to admit that this person is out of my life for good, what do I do now? who do I talk to? who do I wait for?

I never meant for things to get this far. How can something lead to another and quickly become undoable. Now, I am a prisoner of my own words. I revisit them, I want to delete them, but they are said.

For the first time ever, I feel insecure about this love, not silly insecure as I was before when I was testing my limits, no, this time things are really messed up. My move might have back fired on me and it drives me crazy to think I have brought up this on myself.

Why do women do this kind of thing? Why do we like to play with fire when we feel that we are in control? When we have a guy head over hills for us? We forget this one detail;

Men are a box of surprises, they love you until they stop doing it, until that one day, when they forget about it, decide is not worth it, and move on.

Why do I want a friendship with him now? Just to prove to myself that I can seduce him back? Just so I can make sure that I am still around? Because let’s be honest, lovers can’t be friends, they simply can’t for a long while until both stop caring.

And that does not happen overnight.

You need the feeling to die, the memories to become really really distant from the present moment and the heart to shut down. This, statistically takes one third of the time your were together.

Sometimes more.

Chapter 86. That magic time right before the first date

That wonderful time when you have met someone, you have established contact using some lame excuse and you both feel like something amazing is about to happen.

You don’t know this person yet, you are cordial and somewhat distant in your communication because it is what you are supposed to do when you don’t know someone, but something about this stranger makes you feel like you are already close friends and you want to sound more familiar than you do. Maybe is what lies beneath the lines, a word, the way you end the statement, a small detail on each end and and you both instantly feel it…boom! the magic punch of love prelude.

Before you know it, you are checking each other out on the internet, you are dying in anticipation for that first date. Yes, it was going to be a work meeting, but somewhere along the line turned into a dinner date and now for the fist time, you understand those American movie scenes when someone is super excited about meeting that other someone, a stranger asking another stranger out.

We are going out on a date! We have a date!

Yuhuuuuuuu!!!!!!! We haven’t disappointed each other, that makes it even more fun, we can write on clean slate.

Life is great.