Chapter 81. An abandoned man is an easy prey

He said goodbye and left, crying and heart broken.

Only a few days after being abandoned, he found someone new, a new woman that picked up his pieces from the floor and made him hers. A floating device.

Years have gone by and he keeps holding on to this safety branch, most men who have lost the love of their lives do this, after all, it is nice to be the one who is loved more for a change immediatly after you get your heart broken and your life plan dissapears. Who would refuse being pampered and treated like a king by another woman after the woman of your life, the one that you have loved the most, the mother of your child, broke your heart into a million pieces and dumped you? Who would not like a new pal to talk badly about your ex and to tell you what to do to forget about her while travelling around in style, appearing totally over it and having lots of sex? Who would not like to be with someone commited to make you forget about your former life completely because that is after all, in her best interest? No kids, no family, just you, once rejected, abandoned, treated like crap by that woman that was once the core of your whole life. Now you feel pampered, spoilt, loved to pieces. It is not her, but it is nice nonetheless, “I can get used to this” you tell yourseff, “I can teach myself to love her” you add, she doesn´t hurt, she doesn´t hurt, and before you know it, you find yourself accomodated in a stable relationship, maybe even a second marriage that will feel a lot safer than the other one before because in the one before, you were at risck, your heart was at risk,  you were afraid of loosing and in this one, you are not, you are safe. You love her yeah but with moderation, “I had enough of suffering” you conclude.

On the other hand, when a woman finds a man in that desperate of a state she can easily sense it. She will take advantage of the situation to move in, take control over everything and never let go, she will make sure that this man sticks around for life and will pay her inmense gratitude, eternal gratitude for picking him up from the floor. He won´t love her as much, but he will choose her comfort and the reassurance that she provides. A “just abandoned” man is a very easy prey for any woman indeed.

Advertisements

Chapter 79. The Ex

One must love French movies.

In French movies exes are cordial and meet up at family events. They can even exchange supportive smiles when their man ex/man is acting like a total fool in their presence.

Some Hollywood movies have taken this subject to the big screen but those movies are without a doubt, based on French films.

The French are sophisticated, socially and politically speaking and therefore, they manage past love stories better than most of us mortals, maybe because they understand that love is ephimeral and stories don´t last forever. Having that clear saves us a lot of hostlity. Maybe because they understand that men, those matians, are something that all women endure at some point.

Why is it that we systematically hate our partner’s ex? Personally I don’t see the point in doing so. Call me a researcher but I always try to analyze closely the person that left the job or the person that was “fired” because let’s face it, who better than an ex employee/boss to give you hints about what is coming your way? Don´t people ask for referrals?

Right. But most women, moved but nothing but ego, mistakenly think the following:

“He did that because she was such a bitch. He won’t do it to me”

Ha, Ha,  Ha!

Wait, I just choked on my porridge.

Chapter 78. You were dumped and you feel more pathetic than Briget Jones in the good old days.

Yes, dumped, rejected, thrown in the garbagge.

It happened only a few days ago, a few months ago, a few years ago and even though you have managed to put yourself somewhat back together, you still surprise yourself crying over a salad bowl, looking at old pictures, spending countless hours reading articles and watching videos about “how to get your ex back” telling the guy at the coffee shop about your past relationship or thinking that talking to a medium and paying a fortune for it is a great idea.

You might think “I am too old for experiencing heartbreak for the first time” but somehow you feel relief for having those feelings. Up until now, you hadn´t really suffered for anybody so you were feeling borderline sociopath, perhaps you hadn´t really loved anybody or perhaps you had never been dumped before. The thruth is that now, you feel and sound like a broken record harassing everyone around you and talking non stop about one single thing: him.

Will he ever come into his senses and call me to say how much he loves me? Did he ever really love me? Will I ever recover from this and most importantly, why did he leave me? We had so much in common! We were so good together! He told me that he loved me!

Your friend can´t take it anymore, your mom can take it anymore, the bus driver can´t take it anymore. In fact, the bus driver´s grandma can´t take it anymore. You are lucky that you´ve still got friends. You are by all means, a headless chicken, a crazy woman, obsessing over and over about a guy that simply did not care enough to stay.

By now, you might or might not be beyond the phase of sending him tons of emails and desperate messages of the sort “hi baby, please think about it, who are you going to be with better than me? “I miss you, can you call me?” All in capital letters and in the middle of the night. Yup, pathetic.

Being dumped is for sure a mutilating experince, but it is also a great opportunity to eat tons of chocolate and try new cocktails.

Or go shopping for new clothes.

Chapter 76. The Rebound

By definition rebound: bouncing back through the air after hitting something hard.

Also: the relationship that a desperate and a fool start right after or during a breakup that is curvy and that in the majority of the cases ends up poorly.

Maybe we don’t want to suffer maybe we want to forget maybe, just maybe, we fall for someone for real but even in the last case the result will be deadly.

We are not ready.

Healing takes time, forgiving and forgetting takes time, and even if by now you realize that you are and always were out your ex’s league, that you are too good of a home made tomato sauce for that frozen lasagna, you will still need time to overcome the breakup.

So the best rebound in this case is yourself, starting a new relationship with yourself. As Oscar Wilde would put it “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”. So look at the stars. You, once too focused on what another person was needing or feeling are now free to roam and live. How exciting.

In the unlikely event that you still love your ex do not worry. That’s ok, keep that love in your heart and be thankful for it, after all, a life without love is a garden with dead flowers in it but above all you are the flower, the prettiest flower of all and there is no choice but to love yourself when everyone else is taken or unwilling. And that means, becoming the best version of yourself, accomplishing the things that you had put second for your now ex partner and feeling the amazing high of living beyond existing.

As Wilde also puts is “to love yourself is the beginning of a life long romance” that will make you bounce back so high in the air that you will have no choice but to fly above the clouds.

Amazing. Unreachable!

Chapter 73. Those martians

John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars women are from Venus, defines men as martians, beings from another planet. His book is a bestseller worldwide, Why? Because there is some truth to it. Gaining perspective on how the opposite sex thinks and feels is a universal need so no wonder why the book has been translated into 27 languages and continues to be the perfect gift.

The book’s offer is very clear and useful: how to minimize te impact of disagreements between men and women and how to learn to deal with / comprehend your partner.

It appears that men need to feel useful and women need to feel protected somehow. What a perfect combination! So, why are there so many problems that arise along the way? Simply because men and women see and deal with life differently.

When a woman has a problem she talks to other women about it. When a man has a problem, he distances himself from the woman, by doing so, the woman becomes angry and upset, feels abandoned, dissapointed and hence, acts the part. Men sense it and think “great, now I have another problem”, instead of being understanding, she is adding to my already complicated situation. What does the man do next? He pulls even further away.

Crisis.

She thinks: “He is not the same” “He only wants to spend time at work or with his friends” “He wont talk to me about his problems” and a long etc.

He thinks: “I can´t deal with this woman she is so difficult, she has no idea of what I am going through, if she did, she would be more understanding. I don´t need to talk about the problem, I need to solve it! and since I am a man I don´t want her help or her support now. Can she just simply leave me alone and let me deal with it my way?”

No. We want to talk about it, like women do, we want to feel included and above all, we want our martian to pay attention to us and be loving to us. Don´t do it and you are in hell. We are in hell. Everyone is in hell.

The author talks about the cave that man go into when faced with problematic situations and it´s so true. Women meet up for coffee and talk about their problems and men distance themselves and go back to the cave. I used to have a boyfriend that did exactly that, not only when he was overwhelmed but when he was sick too. He would not come out until he was feelling better or the problem was solved. By him. Alone.

The problem is that women along the way feel abandoned and upset, they demand attention, start acting differently and pass constant messages of discomfort and unhappiness. This only agravates the situation because there is only one frustration bigger from a martian than all the problems in the world and that is:

Not being able to make their woman happy.

So they leave.

 

Chapter 72. No caller ID

So he calls you from a hidden number? That guy is an idiot. People did that a while ago when iPhones came out and we discovered the no caller ID option but who does that these days? Right, only the government.

One thing is for guys to believe that they can have any woman they want and get “a la carte” casual sex, another thing is for guys to start playing hard to get when a woman is simply being friendly or trying to get to known them or simply reaching out to say “hi, would you like a cup of coffee?”

He might think “oh, I am not going to give her my number in case she is some kind of Psycho and gets obsessed with me” or “I better call her from a hidden number that way I decide when I want to talk to her but she has no way to contact me” or “I will use the no caller ID so she does not start to send me WhatsApps, that would increase the chances of my girlfriend finding out”

WTF?

Are we woman perceived as crazy and out of control these days? Do all those commercials introducing vitamins and PMS pills have anything to do with it? Or is this a collateral effect of the tv show Sex and the City? Since when guys feel like the have to take precautionary measures towards women?

I could not believe what I was hearing.

Guys on Tinder not sharing their numbers or sending preliminary personality questions to women to see if they “pass the test”? What are men these days? The prize?

Chapter 69. He won’t leave his wife.

d) you realize that you are not getting what you need and that you are never going to get it.

I’ve been looking for camouflage panties all over London. I am meeting with my lover next weekend and I like to keep things spicy. He has been planning this amazing trip to Maldives for us, a way to compensate me I reckon.

We have been in a romantic relationship for about 12 years, and for 6 of those years I did not know about the other person existing. By the time I found out it was too late, I was so in love, I simply could not imagine my life without my love. We are so happy together. Not happy like the other couples, no, we truly are happy, enjoy each other and have the same interests in mind. So instead of breaking up with him immediately I asked if that situation could be fixed. He said yes and I chose to believe it but nothing has changed indeed. We are great friends, we get along, we tell each other everything and have the best sex on Earth so I am sure that he loves me. Yet, he won’t leave his wife, he won’t, he simply keeps putting it off.

“After Christmas”

“After Natalie’s First Communion”

“Once the kids are back to school”

“Once the kids are out of the house”

The thing is, that day never comes.

Years have gone by and I am still “the other one”. I want to start a family, it is about time, but because of the messy love situation that I am in, I don’t even dare to. I cry and cry because I am 36, I so want to have a baby and the man I love will never agree to it.

I remember the first day I met my love. It was at the beach, his swimming suit was camouflage patterned and I just remember lifting up my head and seeing him there, standing right in front of me, smoking a cigar. I fell in love.

He was there alone with two kids and another guy with a little girl so I immediately thought “two divorced dads hanging out on vacation”. Soon thereafter my friend came out of the bar and said hello to one of them. Before I knew it, we were all having drinks together. It was such an amazing evening. One of those evenings that you remember forever. Everything seemed to flow perfectly. The drinks, the sunshine, the conversation.

Little did I know about all the suffering that would follow.

I broke up with my love recently. I call him my love because that is exactly what he is. My love.

I was meeting him to see a condominium that we were going to buy together. He never came to the showing, he stood me up. He called one hour later saying that he had been pulled into a conference call and asking if we could re schedule. I was mad but I say ok and I did. He did not come to the second appointment either. I felt embarrassed, the real estate agent gave me this pity look and I saw it clear. This guy was never going to give me what I needed. It reminded me of another occasion one year ago, when he stood me up in an island because one of his daughters wanted him to go to a play with the entire family. I remember the feeling being left alone and spending the night at the hotel room. Sardinia, a natural paradise, turned hell.

“This is enough, I am done”.

I asked him to meet me at our favorite café. I broke up with him. Don’t ask me how I did it, but I did it. I was surprised at my gut, he was surprised at my gut, he asked me not to, he said that he would finally move out of the house and come live with me, but at that point, for some reason, It was already too late, I no longer wanted it.

Men like to play around when married, and many married women like to pretend they don’t know.

Chapter 67. Every Breaking Love. Part 3. The dead flower.

c) you break up because you no longer want a life with this person, you want your former life back.

Even though things felt great at first, and being around this person made you feel high, after a while you became tired of this persons’ company and wanted to regain your independence. You felt an urge to break free, do whatever you wanted to do without taking this person into account.

Consider this: you were never in love with this person.

Imagine you see something nice at a store, you want to get it for yourself, you want to possess it. Now imagine the same happens with a person you meet. You discover this person and you like this persons’ energy because of the way it makes you feel, therefore, you want to bring this person into your life at all times, play with this new amazing toy at all times, keep it close to you at all times, for all the good things, amusement and joy that this person brings into your life, you feel loved, sexually attracted to this person, satisfied, happy.

One day, you loose interest. Maybe this person did something that you did not like, maybe you saw something better or something that this person had that you did not want to incorporate into your life. Whatever the reason, you no longer want to play with the toy, you find it boring, unpleasant, annoying, to the point where listening to what this person has to say or how this person is feeling or needing from you also becomes boring. Us? Who said us? Future? Who said future?

You begin to look at your phone screen more than into this person’s eyes, you find excuses to spend less and less time together. You are no longer in love, maybe you never were, and as of late, you blame your partner for everything negative happening in your life, or the world for that matter. You become a jerk to this person until you can take it no more and you abandon this person and act like this person never existed. You escape.

A friend of mine explained this break up scenario very well. Say you like a flower, you cut it and take it home, you admire it, you put it in a nice expensive vase filled with water because that is what flowers need right? The flower makes your living room look great so you put it in a prominent place. Everyone can see it. Have you seen my flower? Isn’t it nice?

With time, the flower begins to loose color, the water turns blurry, the leaves fall and you find yourself picking up the leaves from the living room floor which becomes annoying. Now you have moved the flower somewhere else because it’s not looking so great anymore. You forget to change the water because you are too busy doing other things. The flower is no longer the center of your attention or your living room for that matter.

After a while there is this unpleasant smell, gosh! Does that flower stink! I can’t look at it any more, I better throw it away.

Done! Now my living room looks normal again! Thank God. And you never think back about the once pretty flower. It’s gone, and while you enjoyed it for a while, you are glad that is gone.

The thing is, when you love, when you truly love, you don’t take the flower home, you leave it exactly where it is. Instead you live your life a little for that flower, you care about the flower so you go and water it and admire it each day, making sure that it grows. You talk to the flower, sing to the flower, share your deep feelings with the flower. You are in love.

Too often, while your feelings for the other person (the flower) were merely self centered, the other person was feeling something very sincere, true love. Your ex partner may have envisioned this being the love story of a lifetime, so when you break up with this person and feel free like a bird, glad, relieved, happy, the other person will feel the world collapsing, pushed at the edge of a cliff or dumped in the garbage. Then two things always happen:

You: you avoid this person, you’ve moved on right? And even though deep down you know that you have acted like a total jerk, you think that your decision was more than justified, after all, it was always about you and your happiness and if the flower is not looking great is not your fault. You are not happy and you deserve to be happy. Period.

The other person: Experiences a moment where vértigo takes over the entire human body, followed by a soft wind blowing from the north that will be strong enough to push the body forward and cause it to free fall until it hits the floor, then the crash, the pain, the physical and emotional pain, the despair, and in many cases, the state of depression, which can last for many days or even months. How could this happen? I was the favorite flower! What did I do? Some might event conclude: Oh, I guess it was my fault, I was starting to look ugly.

Secondly comes the fear, the anger, the need for survival, the anguish, the fear, the need to contact the person that was going to be the perfect life partner (careful, this is the phase where most human beings make the most common mistakes like obsessing, stalking, calling and emailing no stop looking for answers). Self worth is questioned, self esteem is low and sadness reigns.

Last but not least, the energy phase, the boost, the “I have to do something” an extremely high level of energy running through the veins, an overwhelming feeling that in many cases and over the course of history has caused major changes in humanity and has led to amazing creative processes (songs, paintings, companies, monuments). Things like the Taj Majal came into this world during this phase.

Because loving and letting go of love is what really moves the world so the person that loved for real always wins and the person that doesn’t know how to love always looses.

Chapter 57. Crocodile is in love

Very in love, he says, he sold the house, the company and wants to move to Puerto Rico with a 28 year girl that makes him feel X and makes him look Y. That is the key. He also wants me to tell his mother about his plans. This love he feels for this woman, this rush, makes it impossible for them to be apart which only proves how scared he is of being alone.

Crocodile and Miss Reggeaton (which is the term that I use to decribe a young girl that listens to that kind of music and postes pictures of her butt on Facebook) have been together for six months. During that time, they have done nothing but to share with the world how happy they are. They travel each weekend, stay at 5 star hotels, go to Michelin Star restaurants,  announce their relationship on social media. The beauty of social networks, the perfect life. Yet, every once in a while, I get a message from crocodile in distress:

“Miss Reggeaton is leaving me, all because of you. She says that I gave you everything, too much…and that she cannot deal with that…” A couple of days later they are off to a new destination.

“Miss Reggeton is coming to town on Sunday, it might be the last time I see her. A couple of days later he is gone and does not call or see his daughter for two weeks.

Manipulate and you might find yourseld manipulated by someone smarter than you.

So I called my best friend the other day “Hey what is going on, what do you think about social media?”

“Everything that you do is amazing and if you work hard enough you look great all the time. So happy, so perfect. I coud not say….Rachel, please focus on your moments and truly enjoy them, they are nobody elses´business…my wife is obsessed with that shit, she spends three hours in bed looking at bloggers and reading about a crocodile. Have you heard about it?”

Nope.

Chapter 47. Your booty call is not answering your text messages and you just feel kind of unwanted.

Men no longer fall in love with a woman the way they used to in Oscar Wilde´s novels. These days men are just warm. Room temperature, that means, not too involved,  not too cold either, simply detached, self centered, boyish is you want,…call it whatever.

This is the new concept that I have acquired as of late. My single ladies say it, I came to understand it and they might very well be right.

The guys they like are warm, not cold, not hot. They won´t ignore you completely, but they won´t fall for you either. So how do you handle that kind of socially accepted apathy if  in the end all we all want is to have a man to fall head over hills for us? Do you text the guy and ask him if he cares about you? No way! That is so old school. Better to play the room temperature game for…well…ever.

It does not matter if you are looking for a serious relationship or just a booty call. In either case, women want to be the center of their men´s attention. But far from that, guys remain silent these days, they do not open their mouth to say how pretty you look or send a message asking how you are doing. Many of them master and play the “room temperature game” that is: You now I like you enough, right? We have been together and I proved it because I came so you must be reassured. But girl, I love my life as is and  I will not go out of my way to show you how much I care and bring you into it the way that you think you deserve. Rather, I will keep you hanging, I will keep you around like an unleashed dog that knows its way home when I call, when I think is a good time to show that I miss you a bit and that I care, in case I care, which by the way, I am not sure….

Are you a girl just wanting to have casual sex? Well, think again. Because room temperature guys might not even respond to your casual sex call. What? Yes, that is right, something that seemed unthinkable in the past. Something that should be any guy´s dream, no longer is. You put it out there, simple, no strings attached, just the fun, and they pass on it all the same. So warm.

Are they gay? No, they are not. They are simply warm, don´t have to sweat for it so why should they? Girls no longer get seduced, they seduce, they do all the work, they are the ones chasing after boys while the boys show little interested and prefer to spend the night hanging out or watching their favorite TV series.

It is Saturday, your booty call is not answering your text messages and you just feel kind of unwanted.

You are not alone.