Chapter 71. All you need is love.

Recently I went to see this musical based on the original movie The Bodyguard. Most of us know the story: rockstar hires a really hot bodyguard falls in love, and then says goodbye to the hot bodyguard after he saves her life at the Oscars’ ceremony.

Even though they love each other, in the end they decide to split because they reckon that they are not what each other needs. I am really confused because according to the oldest book “if I don’t have love I have nothing” and if you are not religious the Beatles say it too “all you need is love”

I guess not.

The idea of “love is not enough” hit me hard in the face back then and it did it again at the musical. I did not get it the first time, I still don’t get it, and judging by the amount of crying and weeping going on around me at the theater when Whitney sings “I will always love you” I dare to say that most people have a bit of a problem with this fact.

Many people think of love as an equation, add ups and minuses and base the future of a relationship on the equation results. But what about feelings? What about love? Isn’t love supposed to be the fiercest force of all, capable of anything? Isn’t love unstoppable? Yet, how many people don’t dare to expose themselves to love because of this silly equation? Stability in a stagnant marriage, status, money, work or professional success like in the case of the movie are put first. How many relationships are broken hidden or sacrificed on behalf of this equation? At that point, when you decide to put your love second, where do all those kisses that you want to give and choose not to give go? Where do your feelings go? Where does your happiness go? Where does your life go?

Personally I prefer the Beatles’ point of view. Love is all you need. And when the equation comes before love you are depriving yourself from having it all.

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Chapter 70. He doesn’t love you if

As of late, your boyfriend plays the victim all the time. He says that you treat him badly, that you criticize him and that what you did to him that one time, even if this incident happened months or years ago, makes him feel unsure about the relationship with you. BS!

Your boyfriend is simply not in love with you anymore and needs to find ways to blame you for it and justify an imminent breakup. One easy way for men (or women) to walk out of a relationship is to project all the blame on the other person and then believe their own arguments.

If your partner seems to always be in a bad mood,  if he is not excited to see you after a few days being apart, if you don’t understand why he is so mean to you, why he blames you for everything in the world, including the ocean breeze. If every time he talks you hear “it’s your fault” behind every word. Like the water is too cold, the room is too hot, the ocean breeze is too breezy. You will desperately try to make the water warmer, the room cooler and the ocean breeze go away but there is nothing, absolutely nothing in the whole world that can save a situation of a man that doesn’t love you. And open your eyes:

The man does not love you.

Obviously it takes two to tango but when one leaves the relationship lying about the reasons or making up reasons like “I can’t give you what you want” “We don’t want the same thing” or “I will never be able to make you happy it usually translates as follows:

1. I don’t want to give you want you want, if I wanted, we would not have a problem.

2. No We do not want the same thing because we both used to be in love and now I am not.

3. I won’t be able to make you happy because I don’t want to make you happy. I don’t love you so that’s that.

“What do you mean you can’t make me happy? Sure you can! You are the man I love!”

“What do you mean we don’t want the same things I love you you love me, right?”

“What do you mean you cannot give me what I want? You are all I want!”

OK. Read 1, 2 and 3.

So you will take all the blame, you will feel confused, frustrated, sad, you will suffer a lot because you won’t understand the sudden change and all this blame on your shoulders. You will suffer.

Fact: with time the other person is going to suffer too because deep down he knows that all the excuses and all the blame were not legit nor fair towards you. The true reason is that the person that used to call you and promise you love and a life in common simply fell out of love and feels bad about it, he doesn’t want to be with you and better to demonize you than to admit that he was a ball of smoke. All talk.

Now you must put up with the fact that all those people that you met through your probably now ex boyfriend are listening to how mean you were, how negative you were and what a hellish life you were giving to this poor boy.

If you are reading this don’t feel sorry for yourself, be glad that someone who did not love you liberated you. Your love was pure and there is nothing shameful in that, if anything, a good score for the next person to match, on both ends.

Chapter 69. He won’t leave his wife.

d) you realize that you are not getting what you need and that you are never going to get it.

I’ve been looking for camouflage panties all over London. I am meeting with my lover next weekend and I like to keep things spicy. He has been planning this amazing trip to Maldives for us, a way to compensate me I reckon.

We have been in a romantic relationship for about 12 years, and for 6 of those years I did not know about the other person existing. By the time I found out it was too late, I was so in love, I simply could not imagine my life without my love. We are so happy together. Not happy like the other couples, no, we truly are happy, enjoy each other and have the same interests in mind. So instead of breaking up with him immediately I asked if that situation could be fixed. He said yes and I chose to believe it but nothing has changed indeed. We are great friends, we get along, we tell each other everything and have the best sex on Earth so I am sure that he loves me. Yet, he won’t leave his wife, he won’t, he simply keeps putting it off.

“After Christmas”

“After Natalie’s First Communion”

“Once the kids are back to school”

“Once the kids are out of the house”

The thing is, that day never comes.

Years have gone by and I am still “the other one”. I want to start a family, it is about time, but because of the messy love situation that I am in, I don’t even dare to. I cry and cry because I am 36, I so want to have a baby and the man I love will never agree to it.

I remember the first day I met my love. It was at the beach, his swimming suit was camouflage patterned and I just remember lifting up my head and seeing him there, standing right in front of me, smoking a cigar. I fell in love.

He was there alone with two kids and another guy with a little girl so I immediately thought “two divorced dads hanging out on vacation”. Soon thereafter my friend came out of the bar and said hello to one of them. Before I knew it, we were all having drinks together. It was such an amazing evening. One of those evenings that you remember forever. Everything seemed to flow perfectly. The drinks, the sunshine, the conversation.

Little did I know about all the suffering that would follow.

I broke up with my love recently. I call him my love because that is exactly what he is. My love.

I was meeting him to see a condominium that we were going to buy together. He never came to the showing, he stood me up. He called one hour later saying that he had been pulled into a conference call and asking if we could re schedule. I was mad but I say ok and I did. He did not come to the second appointment either. I felt embarrassed, the real estate agent gave me this pity look and I saw it clear. This guy was never going to give me what I needed. It reminded me of another occasion one year ago, when he stood me up in an island because one of his daughters wanted him to go to a play with the entire family. I remember the feeling being left alone and spending the night at the hotel room. Sardinia, a natural paradise, turned hell.

“This is enough, I am done”.

I asked him to meet me at our favorite café. I broke up with him. Don’t ask me how I did it, but I did it. I was surprised at my gut, he was surprised at my gut, he asked me not to, he said that he would finally move out of the house and come live with me, but at that point, for some reason, It was already too late, I no longer wanted it.

Men like to play around when married, and many married women like to pretend they don’t know.

Chapter 68. The big butt

Loving a guy with a big ugly butt is an unpleasant thing, it deprives us from the moment that all women love the most, that is: admiring a good rear from the bed after a sexual encounter or some other perks that come without saying.

If you have ever entered the big saggy butt garden you know what I mean. You think, he’s got pretty eyes, he is a nice guy, he is a hard worker and goes out of his way to make me happy, he is intelligent, he brings me the stars and the moon, but his butt… I prefer not to look at it.

The same goes with men’s prominent stomachs but I guess that bellies are more bearable than ugly butts. If it looks like that now, what is going to look like when he is old? You better don’t find out. Let another woman deal with it! Ditch him.

Should you find yourself in the bad scenario of loving a guy with an ugly butt do not panic. Love is blind and worst things can happen. Providence might help you and make that guy leave you instead but keep in mind that just like after a tropical storm comes the sunshine, after a saggy butt comes a firm one, a really perfect firm one. You will find yourself admiring it, over and over and over again.

The simple pleasures of life!

P.s: yes, there is only one thing worse than an ugly butt…

Chapter 67. Every Breaking Love. Part 3. The dead flower.

c) you break up because you no longer want a life with this person, you want your former life back.

Even though things felt great at first, and being around this person made you feel high, after a while you became tired of this persons’ company and wanted to regain your independence. You felt an urge to break free, do whatever you wanted to do without taking this person into account.

Consider this: you were never in love with this person.

Imagine you see something nice at a store, you want to get it for yourself, you want to possess it. Now imagine the same happens with a person you meet. You discover this person and you like this persons’ energy because of the way it makes you feel, therefore, you want to bring this person into your life at all times, play with this new amazing toy at all times, keep it close to you at all times, for all the good things, amusement and joy that this person brings into your life, you feel loved, sexually attracted to this person, satisfied, happy.

One day, you loose interest. Maybe this person did something that you did not like, maybe you saw something better or something that this person had that you did not want to incorporate into your life. Whatever the reason, you no longer want to play with the toy, you find it boring, unpleasant, annoying, to the point where listening to what this person has to say or how this person is feeling or needing from you also becomes boring. Us? Who said us? Future? Who said future?

You begin to look at your phone screen more than into this person’s eyes, you find excuses to spend less and less time together. You are no longer in love, maybe you never were, and as of late, you blame your partner for everything negative happening in your life, or the world for that matter. You become a jerk to this person until you can take it no more and you abandon this person and act like this person never existed. You escape.

A friend of mine explained this break up scenario very well. Say you like a flower, you cut it and take it home, you admire it, you put it in a nice expensive vase filled with water because that is what flowers need right? The flower makes your living room look great so you put it in a prominent place. Everyone can see it. Have you seen my flower? Isn’t it nice?

With time, the flower begins to loose color, the water turns blurry, the leaves fall and you find yourself picking up the leaves from the living room floor which becomes annoying. Now you have moved the flower somewhere else because it’s not looking so great anymore. You forget to change the water because you are too busy doing other things. The flower is no longer the center of your attention or your living room for that matter.

After a while there is this unpleasant smell, gosh! Does that flower stink! I can’t look at it any more, I better throw it away.

Done! Now my living room looks normal again! Thank God. And you never think back about the once pretty flower. It’s gone, and while you enjoyed it for a while, you are glad that is gone.

The thing is, when you love, when you truly love, you don’t take the flower home, you leave it exactly where it is. Instead you live your life a little for that flower, you care about the flower so you go and water it and admire it each day, making sure that it grows. You talk to the flower, sing to the flower, share your deep feelings with the flower. You are in love.

Too often, while your feelings for the other person (the flower) were merely self centered, the other person was feeling something very sincere, true love. Your ex partner may have envisioned this being the love story of a lifetime, so when you break up with this person and feel free like a bird, glad, relieved, happy, the other person will feel the world collapsing, pushed at the edge of a cliff or dumped in the garbage. Then two things always happen:

You: you avoid this person, you’ve moved on right? And even though deep down you know that you have acted like a total jerk, you think that your decision was more than justified, after all, it was always about you and your happiness and if the flower is not looking great is not your fault. You are not happy and you deserve to be happy. Period.

The other person: Experiences a moment where vértigo takes over the entire human body, followed by a soft wind blowing from the north that will be strong enough to push the body forward and cause it to free fall until it hits the floor, then the crash, the pain, the physical and emotional pain, the despair, and in many cases, the state of depression, which can last for many days or even months. How could this happen? I was the favorite flower! What did I do? Some might event conclude: Oh, I guess it was my fault, I was starting to look ugly.

Secondly comes the fear, the anger, the need for survival, the anguish, the fear, the need to contact the person that was going to be the perfect life partner (careful, this is the phase where most human beings make the most common mistakes like obsessing, stalking, calling and emailing no stop looking for answers). Self worth is questioned, self esteem is low and sadness reigns.

Last but not least, the energy phase, the boost, the “I have to do something” an extremely high level of energy running through the veins, an overwhelming feeling that in many cases and over the course of history has caused major changes in humanity and has led to amazing creative processes (songs, paintings, companies, monuments). Things like the Taj Majal came into this world during this phase.

Because loving and letting go of love is what really moves the world so the person that loved for real always wins and the person that doesn’t know how to love always looses.

Chapter 66. Every Breaking Love. Part 2. When you have no choice but to end it.

b) you act upon it. you are the one that ends it, you don’t want to end it, but your partner leaves you no choice.

You could find yourself in the scenario shown in the previous chapter or a completely different one. For example, when third persons come into the picture or the case of an unbalanced career situation.

You and your partner have nothing left to talk about any more. You are the main family care taker (man or woman) and you spend most of your time at home because you are a stay at home parent, now, it didn’t use to be the case, you and your partner met while you were both professionals but it is the case now. Now maybe you are working from home, you exercise and go shopping while your partner is at work, but your life feels empty. Your partner gets home (provided that he or she is not out of town for business) and as of late you don’t feel excited to see your partner come home because at some point along the road you started to feel resentment. Since the kids were born, or since the promotion, you have been growing apart. Your partner once devoted to you, has been focusing mostly on himself/herself, his/her career, work ok, but this job involves hanging out with people and having fun while you are at home all alone, alienated from life in general. That makes you resentful.

This is unfair and you feel like you are living his life. Your partner doesn’t show any respect or recognition towards you. The two things that are necessary in business and that should apply in a household as well as a rule of thumb. And you think, if this principles rule in business with hundreds of people why aren’t they applied towards me?

If the only thing keeping you together is the kids. Your partner wants the kids, loves the kids to death and needs someone to look after them during the work trips . If you now get the feeling that you are spending your partners’ money, you are not in a good place.

All in all you are not happy with this set up, you feel lonely in your partner’s company and undervalued, not empowered as a person. So you nag, you bitch, you moan, and you become a person that you hate.

As a desperate measure you choose to leave your partner to see if your partner realizes what you are worth.

A few things can happen; either this announcement of intentions will act as an eye opener and improve the situation, it will make your partner mad, or (the worse) your partner will show no opposition, which will confirm your theory that your partner is not in love, at least not with you.

In the event that your partner reacts in a positive manner, you might or might not want to unmade your decision to leave because, after all, it should not have to take this for a good companion to acknowledge your discomfort. What kind of love is selfish and self centered all the time?

So you have filed for divorce, now you are heartbroken, your life is broken and you are so mad…mad because this is not the outcome that you had imagined. Love is supposed to feel great, is not shellfish, it knows no fear, it has no doubt, and what you felt your your partner lately was very different from that.

Yet, you acted upon it, people will think that you were brave deciding to end the relationship but the breakup was really not by choice. You were pushed to end it. Ultimately it was your partner who abandoned the romantic relationship. What you didwas simply to avoid a state of denial.

Chapter 65. Every Breaking Love. Part 1. In Denial

All of us who love are ready to risk, like a gambler, you can either loose or win. Falling in love is easy, the hard part is the breakup, carrying on with your life when the story ends. You ended it, it ended, the other part ended it. In either case, it hurts. The moment when the feeling is gone, the energy is gone, the chemistry that empowered you and your partner to feel like you could conquer the world (similar to what you feel when you leave the gym after a good sweat) is GONE.

And you feel it. It drags you down the road of disenchantment and suddenly you are no longer on top of it. Rather, you feel as disoriented as an octopus in a garage.

A few things can happen when the relationship starts to shift and something starts to feel off:

a) you deny it. you lie to yourself and pretend is not a big deal. By now, you have invested enough in the relationship and you are emotionally dependent on this person. He or she doesn’t call or text as often but that’s normal right? It means that relationship is more mature now.

Wrong! Something is off and you know it. Your heart knows it, your body knows it, you may even get physically sick but…

Nobody likes loosing that amazing energy that love exudes, nobody likes failing, telling everyone that Mr. Awesome was indeed average Joe and that Ms. Wonderful is a crazy bitch that trashes the hotel room whenever she feels like it. So you deny your reality and keep acting normal. This is a common mistake, a human mistake, a mistake that all of us who have loved someone madly have made at some point. The problem is that you are lying to yourself and by lying to yourself you are lying to everyone around you.

“We are fine, just not ready to move in together yet, we are getting to know each other”

“We are fine, having a baby or not is not something that could break us, we come first, our love comes first”

“We are fine, my partner tells me that I should be more independent, go out more with my friends, travel alone, allow them to travel alone and spend more time with other people”

So what happens when you are in denial?

You loose your self respect, your partner senses it because we are all energy beings with a certain vibe, and you loose your attractiveness, your essence, all the things that made your partner fall in love with you in the first place.

Then, one day, inevitably, your partner leaves you without prior notice, at the worst possible time and your biggest fear “a life without this person” materializes.

What am I going to do now? I love this person! I want this person! I need this person!

Wrong. You don’t, you think that you do because you are dominated by fear. So instead of accepting and respecting your now ex partners’ decisions, you follow your instinct (your fear) and you make the following mistakes that will drive this person away for good:

1. You call and message this person obsessively. You appear needy and desperate.

2. You try to make this person jealous talking about other people.

3. You are nasty to this person.

4. You desperately chase down everyone in this persons’ circle to find out about what he or she might be up to or thinking.

5. You force this person to talk about the relationship.

6. You try to victimize yourself to get a reaction.

Does it ring the bell? Probably yes.

The bad news is that by doing so you have ruined your image and your self esteem, you have made the person you love loose any left over respect for you and well, without respect, there is no greatness.

Now the damage is done and you will have to asume that your love is gone for good.

What are you going to do with all this energy? With this feeling?

Take a deep breath, gain perspective, use it as a chance to grow, to create, to overcome your fears and build a new space for a new life.

A life where you are what matters the most, what you love the most. Because when someone is not willing to fight for you, most of the time, is nothing personal, it is the other person’s issue, not yours.

Next time you sense something is not working, you will do b, c or d, but not a.

Chapter 64. The crocodile and the cicada

The cicada said:

– Hello crocodile, what are you doing alone in this pond? Were you abandoned? You should not be hanging around all alone, you look kind of old to me. I would stay and keep you company but I have a great life to enjoy. My life is great just like me. I am young, you are not, I am fun, you look miserable by the way. I feel sorry for you crocodile, you might never find somebody like me. Bye.

– Wait, I have something to show you. I am not old. Want to see it?

– No thanks, my time is too precious for old lonely crocodiles.

– Nonesense! You don´t know who I am! I once had an Empire. I was rich, I was rich and powerful. You can´t say those things to me. Besides, I am not old, I am not old! I am never getting old. Yes, you are younger but I can be just like you. And my life is greater than great. Want to see it cicada?

– Not really.

– Please! Let me show you. You will be impressed!

– Okay…if you insist. But I am doing you a favor. Being with you, an old crocodile, abandoned in a pond is a waste of my time. I am too good for you. You are lucky that I even talk to you crocodile. I don´t care who you are. You don´t look all that great. And… you are ugly.

Crocodile left and sold his pond, he sold his soul, he sold everything that he had to prove to the cicada that he was a powerful man, worthy of her love and attention.

– You are so nice! Thank you for staying. I promise you that you will not be deceived. I will show you the world, will bring you the stars and the moon. With you I will regain my power, my youth, my crocodile bite.

And they went on and off for a long time. Crocodile brought the cicada to his new magnificent pond, but she did not like it, it was not good enough for her she said, so crocodile followed her to wherever she wanted to go, he made an effort to look good and young for her, care free like her, bought her great presents, put up with the cicada´s fits (she was young so she could afford having a bad temper) her desires were now crocodiles´ duties. Nothing else mattered more than her not leaving him.

Because after all, he was old and lonely.

Chapter 63. Bad spoken

Everything was going relatively well until this Saturday.

I was at home with the kids when my cell ran. Unknown number, I picked up.

-Please put your daughter on the phone we are so concerned about her. You are keeping her hostage and we are very worried.

-Who are you?

-I am Crocodiles´girlfriend.

She sounded really different from what I had imagined, like when an image does not go at all with a voice. Like that. She spoke really slowly but there was something utterly disturbing in her enunciation and the way she started the conversation. Not the right voice and certainly not the right person. I had imagined a sweet woman. Somebody much younger easier to control and to impress. I was wrong. Very wrong. Miss Reggueton is faisty, she is rude, bad spoken and overly trashy.

Blocking her on my contact agenda was not enough. She managed to send me messages via whatapp the next day warning me about her while I was at the park with my children. Threats, insults and the most disrespectful language one could think of followed on Monday morning, to the point where it became amusing to see that somebody can be so angry at your mere existence. Certain women who hate women just because and have nothing to communicate except their own fears.

Dating a man who was formerly married to somebody else is a new arena for a lot a women. Its a tough place to be when insecurities arise and ex wives are in the horizon dating other men, looking good or simply having more fun.

Chapter 62. Your kids, my kids

Kids are part of the equation when you are dating after 35. Maybe you managed to stay child free and you are planning weekends to adults-only resorts every chance that you get but if you date someone with children from a previous marriage, you will have to deal with things that you have never imagined before.

Crocodile´s girlfriend does not want to date a man with children so she has managed to make crocodile forget about his little girl.  It is hard to believe that men are so at ease leaving their offspring behind once the woman of their life is no longer the mother of their children. There are exceptions of course, you can always find that one man that will fight for custody but, in most cases, men are just fine moving on to the next stage of life “solo”.

A woman would never do that to their kids! a woman would never put her kids to the side for anybody. True, but many single woman demand that from a man as a pre requisite to being together. That way they want have to fight for attention. Period.

They won’t have to mind, compromise, deprive. None of those verbs will apply when his kids are out of the picture. Because some women simply don’t want kids, don’t like kids, can’t have kids and don´t have any desire to be around other people´s kids. Can’t blame them.

Many men are now dating younger women who are not ready or are unsure about giving anything up. Single life seems a more appealing option.

Having children / co parenting children means giving up on a lot of the fun. Unless both parties have children from previous relationships.

That’s a different post.